P Diddy steals from Smoove B

I don't know if you've ever read Smoove B's column in The Onion, but I'm in no doubt that P Diddy / Daddy / Sugar Puffy / Puff-o-matic / Sean Jean / Sean Bean / Sean "Sean" Sean Sean Sean / The Diddy Monster / Diddy Daddy / whatever-the-fuck-he-is-called-now has cast his beshaded eyes over it.

Here is the proof, if proof be need be:

P Diddy:
"I've spent a lot of time with Kim [Porter, mother to three of Diddy's children] in Paris, and it's been perfect.

As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.

As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time.

After leaving our hotel, me and Kim were driven down the Champs-Elysees in my Mercedes Maybach at 4 a.m., with music playing in the background and we saw so many beautiful sights together."
[ via The Mirror]

Smoove B:
At precisely 8 o'clock, I will arrive in a pearl-white car to pick you up and transport us to dinner at the city's finest European restaurant. I will tell the driver to take the most romantic, scenic route possible to the restaurant.

On the way, I will have a sterling-silver thermos filled with hot chocolate from the Swiss chocolate region. If it is too hot for you, I will blow on it until it is the correct temperature.

After the meal, we will forgo transportation and walk the five blocks back to my apartment, because the night will be so fragrant and beautiful. I will hold your hand and stroke your wrist lightly with my thumb. As we approach my apartment, I will pull you close, and it will feel right. It will feel like we are two interlocking pieces of a sexy panther jigsaw puzzle.

If the moon is full, I will point it out to you.

When we reach my penthouse, I will remove your shoes and kiss you passionately for five to ten minutes. Just when you think you are going crazy with desire, I will lead you to my large, circular bathtub. There, I will strip you down and place your naked body gently into the perfectly warm water. Then, I will wash you with a towel of my choosing. Make no mistake, it will be the perfect towel for your beautiful body, fitting your every luscious contour. If the scented perfumes I have placed in your bath water are not to your liking, I will drain the tub and we will start over. But they will not be incorrect, so we will not have to. I know you, girl.

After I have dried and moisturized you, I will comb your hair. If, while combing your hair, you would like me to comb either faster or harder, please say so. While I am doing this combing, you will think you will know love, but Smoove is ready to take you to the next level.

This is when Smoove will lead you to his canopy bed. Keith Sweat will be playing on my bedroom stereo, creating the perfect mood for us to freak all night. And freak all night is what we shall do. Between freakings, we will laugh and tell stories, and I will rub your neck and back. Then we will freak again. This will go on until the break of dawn.

Damn.

When you wake up, I will make you French toast. If French toast is not what you desire, I will find another nationality of toast that suits you. I will not rest until I find this perfect nationality of toast, even if I have to swim all the way to Austria for it. After I find and make the toast, and you eat it, we will freak once more.

This is how the evening will go. This is how you will know love."
[via The Onion]

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What we learnt this week

:: If Swedish popstar Robyn could be any domestic appliance, she would be a dishwasher because they are "very useful"

:: The comedic impact of that question may have been lessened because Robyn did not know the term domestic appliance.

:: Natasha Bedingfield says the last time she feel asleep in public, she was sunbathing on a beach in New Zealand. Lucky bitch.

:: Doctor Who star Freema Agyeman insists that the sonic screwdriver is "not just a blue torch - it's magic".

:: There was a thing about Samantha Mumba on Channel 4 which everyone said was brilliant, but we missed it.

:: The police said a man was very irresponsible for skiing down escalators in London and making a video of it, thereby ensuring everyone would go and have a look for it on the youtubes.

:: Elton John had his birthday spoiled when Your Song was awarded the 20th Worst Lyric Ever prize by some website. The cuplrit: "If I was a sculptor - but, then again, no." [full list here]

:: Also, Robyn played a concert in London with two drummers, which is like something out of a wet dream. She also did two versions of her super Swedish single Be Mine - which went a bit like this:

Be Mine - Electro


Be Mine - Acoustic


Have a great weekend!

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Nostalgia warning

Five Star were as big as Jack Black's pants back in the 80s. The press called them Britain's answer to the Jacksons, because they were five sisters and brothers doing lite R&B numbers with dance routines. Spookily, one of them would also go on to show his willy to people who did not want to see his willy, but we didn't know that then.

I was quite a fan. Frankly, It was 5 Star or the Smiths, and I was too well brought up to be interested in all that suburban angst Morissey was spouting. Five Star sang about normal stuff like having a crush and splitting up with people (I'll just gloss over the one about getting all pervy and sexed up with a computer).

Anyway, the band had about 3 years of dressing up in their special sequinned jump suits and being on kids TV before they were fired straight into the dumper by a humungous catapult and, thank heavens, nobody has heard from them since.

...Until now. They've just released a DVD of all of their videos, which you can get for under a tenner at Amazon. The reviews are quite positive:

"Marvel at the costumes, Gasp at the dance moves and sing along (badly) to all the hits!!!" says Daz, who has lost control of the excalamation mark key.

"I have been told that all of the best songs are on there and I've heard for myself that the sound quality is excellent," adds R Thomas LOTR Fan, not very convincingly.

However, I have a warning. Like that boy Eliot once shouted down the phone on Going Live, Five Star weren't much cop. Yes, they seemed very slick and modern in 1986 but so did Top Gun and nobody mentions that disaster of a film any more, do they? (Check this - Ed)

Fr'instance, here's the video for If I Say Yes.

Dear God, what were we thinking?

And by "we", I mean "I".

PS: I've just discovered a MySpace page for my all-time pre-teen crush, Doris out of Five Star. She's still recording music - to what end?? We will never know...

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Natasha Bedingfield album cover

This:


Looks a bit like this:


Except Natasha Bedingfield's new album NB is only about 5% as pervy as Madonna's mid-90s sexfest.

It's really quite good, though. I'll do a review in the next couple of days.

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Is the PS3, like, totally fucked, dude?

Just a quick note to clarify my points about the PS3 in the next post down:

It is the fastest-selling console ever in the UK, shifting 165,000 units in the launch weekend. Isn't it weird how seeing brand new games consoles on the shelves makes it seem like they're not very successful, even when they are? [source]

But the machine is being outsold 2:1 by the Nintendo Wii in Japan. [source]

And in the US, 127,000 PS3s were sold last month, compared to 295,000 PS2s and 335,000 Wiis. Ouch! [source]

Meanwhile, people who queued up for a PS3 hoping to sell it for profit on eBay are actually making a loss. Double ouch! And [source]

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I still love Wii-ing

Last December, it seemed like every other post on here was about the Nintendo Wii and how much I was looking forward to getting my hands on one. Then it arrived and, one paltry review of Zelda later, everything went quiet. Here's what's happened since:

Everyone who plays Wii Sports wants to take the console home with them. It's the most intuitive and addictive game since Tetris.

While playing Wii Tennis, at least one guest has come close to throwing themselves through the window with a rather overzealous backhand return.

The tutorial videos on Wario Ware: Smooth Moves made me laugh chips out my nose.

Mrsdiscopop-in-law got overly competitive on Wii Play's shooting range, making everyone a little more nervous on Christmas Day.

If you like the internet smaller, blurrier, and more difficult to navigate then the Wii's Web Browser is the product for you.

I completed Zelda in 50 hours, and was smug for approximately the same amount of time.

Lots of people who are better at computer games than I will ever be posted their high scores to Flickr. Does the phrase "too much time on your hands" mean anything to the youth of today?

The PS3 came out. Nobody bought it. We all laughed.

Although it's a bit too early to claim victory for the tiny white console - especially as Nintendo can't get enough stock to the UK while the PS3 sits winking coquettishly at people on the shop shelves.

Added to which - can we have some new games please, Nintendo?

Actually, I've just come across the following trailer for Wii Sims. Once mrsdiscopop gets her hands on this, I won't be able to get her off the sofa for weeks. Which could be a problem, as we're supposed to be moving house...

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