Worst film... ever

First thing in the morning, we tune into Channel 4's Teletext service to read the music news while we eat our Cornflakes.

This morning, though, we spat our Cornflakes all over the floor in horror.

Here, in full, is that cereal-regurgitating article:

"Bono is to make his acting debut in a movie based on Beatles songs.

Across the Universe stars Bono as Dr Robert. Directed by Julie Taymor, who made Frida Kahlo biopic Frida, it also features Eddie Izzard as Mr Kite. Set in the Vietnam war, it's written by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais.

Bono will sing I Am The Walrus with Secret Machines, calling his part 'a Haight-Astbury hippy'."

Take a moment to read that again. It's unlikely that you have absorbed how unspeakably awful this film will be.

The cast is dire, vain and talent-free; the authors last wrote a bearable script in 1976; and the director is the only woman who could make a film where Salma Hayek appears topless seem boring.

And are the Secret Machines a band? Or is Bono's character a Walrus recruited by the Viet Cong to slaughter American soldiers using hi-tech gadgets? We're willing to bet it's the latter.

But most important of all, it's a Beatles musical set in the Vietnam war. A Beatles musical set in the Vietnam war, for fuck's sake.

This has got to be a joke.

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