Beyoncé becomes Boyoncé

According to her new single, Beyoncé's dearest wish in the whole wide world is to become a stinky, smelly boy.

Not that she wants to break down gender inequality, like Kate Bush in Running Up That Hill. She simply thinks she'd make a better boyfriend than a regular guy, because she is all sensitive and . Here's the chorus:

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cos I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cos he's taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a load of old balls, of course. If Beyoncé - a restless and ruthlessly ambitious young woman - was given regular testosterone shots, she'd become dangerously sexual and aggressive... Essentially, she would be a prettier version of Mike Tyson, and nobody wants to see that.

But there's a more pressing issue here. Trans-sexuals usually change their name to reflect their new gender - Harry becomes Harriet, or Simone becomes Simon. But what's the male equivalent of Beyoncé? Is it Benny? Or Bertrand? Beowulf??! Answers in the comments box, please.

Songwise, If I Were A Boy is not what quite what you'd expect, the cosy harmonies and lilting guitar lines recalling nothing other than Joan Osborne's One Of Us. But not in a bad way.

The full track has premiered on the website of NY radio "personality" Elvis Duran. Have a listen to the clip below and tell me what you make of all this gender realignment business.

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