Poetry corner - with the Saturdays

Back in June,we saw The Saturdays supporting Girls Aloud. They spent a long time (nearly 15 seconds) telling us how they'd recorded an amazing ballad, and promised to perform it straight away. We assumed the person pressing "play" on their DAT machine had cued up the wrong track, because the chorus of the subsequent song went like this:

Me And my heart we got issues
Don't know if I should hate you or miss you
Damn, I wish that I could resist you
Can't decide if I should slap you or kiss you,
Me and my heart we got Issues, Issues, Issues
(We got Issues, Issues, Issues)

Terrbile, isn't it? It's almost as if someone randomly stuck a pin in a rhyming dictionary and wrote a song with whatever words turned up.

Here's our attempt:

I have a pile of old tissues
They're all covered in make-up like Kiss use
Once, I had a wee in a Swiss loo
And a stranger asked me 'Miss, can I fist you?'
He was a fan of drug misuse, misuse, misuse
(Of drug misuse, misuse, misuse)

But can you do better? Put your version in the comments box. Here is a video for the song to help you with scansion and meter.

The Saturdays - Issues

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