What happens in Cheryl's new video?

This happens.

• Curtain rises: We are in a public house. Cheryl is filing her nails. They are blue.
  
  
• Clock: It is midday. Or midnight. Either way, Cheryl is suddenly alert. Her eyes move. There is a sound effect, because Cheryl has bionic eyes.
  
  
• Bottom: A picture of Cheryl's bottom.
  
  
• Jukebox: Cheryl presses some buttons. The music stops (??) A siren can be heard in the distance.
  
  
• DOT COTTEN ALERT: Cheryl looks like she is going to smoke a cigarette. But at the last minute she throws it on the floor. A lucky escape. Nick O'Teen is defeated again.
  
  
  
  
  
• Exterior, day: We are in a street of terraced houses. A man is in a phone box. Cheryl taps on the door to tell the man that no-one uses phone boxes these days, using the gift of mime.
  
  
  
  
  
• First verse: "We all got lonely days," sings Cheryl. A elderly woman looks on disapprovingly. She mainly disapproves of the poor grammar.
  
  
• Thump: Cheryl walks into a man, just like Richard Ashcroft in the Bittersweet Symphony video, if Richard Ashcroft was wearing a lemon bra.
  
  
• Clarification: I mean a yellow bra, not a bra made of lemons. Although that would be amazing, too.
  
  
• Here is the best bit of the song: A half-bar rest between the bridge and the chorus. Subversion of anticipation is an incredibly powerful and under-used songwriting technique. Bravo.
  
  
• Chorus: Some men lift Cheryl onto a car bonnet and we nearly see some under-boob. Can someone tell me why everyone is getting their under-boob out at the moment? Surely it isn't supposed to be sexy? I mean, look - I'm not exactly immune to the allure of boob, but no sane man is aroused by the sweaty crevices on the underside. They are quite literally the armpit of the boob. Bleuch.
  
  
  
  
  
• Verse two: Now much happens here until, all of a sudden, the lights go down and...
  
  
• Bondage: Really? Really??? REALLY???!! Yep, really.
  
  
  
  
  
• Chorus two: At last, some dancing. Reminiscent of Jacko's The Way You Make Me Feel, this is stylish stuff, and the best moment of the video. I hope there's a dance-only edit.
  
  
  
  
  
• Rain: It rains. Cheryl escapes to a diner. Soldiers watch longingly as she dances on the counter. Safety tip: Do not attempt this in real life. The counter can become quite slippery with milkshake.
  
  
• Er, that's it: The song ends and Cheryl walks off. Oh.
  

Cheryl - Under The Sun

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