It's a hip-hop Christmas, yo

Ahh, Christmas. The snow is on the ground, the trees are festooned with decorations and little orphan children are pressing their noses up against my window, watching hungrily as I scoff yet another mince pie. Go away, orphan children! These mince pies are not for you. Scram! Skidaddle! And try to find yourselves a precocious ginger friend. She will be adopted by a bald millionaire who'll take pity on the orpanage and save you from your lives of grime and penury. Just like in that movie.

Anyway, one thing Christmas is definitely not associated with is hip-hop. Yet, here is Snoop Dogg, trading Gin And Juice for Mulled Wine and Figgy Pudding. He's reading the classic Clement Clark Moore poem, 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, for reasons that I have yet to fathom.

Snoop Dogg - A Christmas Story

It doesn't end there, either. Without any real explanation, someone has forced their grandmother to read out 50 Cent's vile, offensive tweets to a backing track of Christmas music (it would have been better if they'd hired some Ho Ho Ho's - crap joke ed). This one is not safe for work.

Grandma reads 50 Cent's tweets

Let's round this off with a honest, clean Christmas tune from the old skool. There aren't many good festive raps, but this 1980 classic is one of them...

"People let me tell you about last year, when that dude came flying over here". You gots to love Kurtis Blow.

Kurtis Blow - Christmas Rapping

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50 Cent, Q-Tip catch bus out of dumper

Rap music isn't a genre where people make spectacular returns to form. I'm sure I could think of a thousand reasons why - maybe it's the shallow, self-aggrandising lyrics; the restrictive musical straitjacket of "hardcore" rap; or the fact that so many stars retire before they burn out.

But there are a few exceptions. Jay-Z has been pronounced dead in the past (by himself, more often than not) and come back bigger and better than ever. LL Cool J's had the occasional resurgence, too, although it's never been successfully sustained.

Now we can add to that list former Tribe Called Quest frontman Q-Tip and - believe it or not - cartoon gangsta waste of space 50 Cent, both of whom have come up with new material that, quite frankly, rocks.

Fiddy (was there ever a more ridiculous nickname?) has teamed up with Christina Aguilera's tunesmith Scott Storch for a slamming club anthem, Get Up, which is easily the equal of his awe-inspiring In Da Club. Q-Tip is, true to form, more funky, more humorous and more full of cod spiritual bollocks on the slinky Manwomanboogie.

Check out these clips.


50 Cent - Get Up


Q-Tip - Manwomanboogie

Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are.

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Oscar nominations: All you need to know

Venn diagrams never lie, so it seems Philip Seymour Hoffman is due an Oscar come March.

But what of the best actress? In that category, nobody quite manages to straddle the famous/gay intersection (stop laughing at the back, please). Therefore, the decision is sure to be based on the likelihood of tears at the podium. So it won't be Reese Witherspoon: her jaw is too square for a wobbly chin moment. Nor Keira Knightley: if she was to let any more water out of her body she'd shrivel up and die. So my money is on Felicity Huffman, who managed to convey a suitable amount of teary dignity at the Golden Globes without ever smudging her mascara. Very classy for a pre-operative transexual.

But, what of the music category? Only three songs are nominated this year. Three! And you will be able to recall none of them.

Best music (song)
In the Deep - Crash
It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp - Hustle and Flow
Travelin' Thru - Transamerica

See what I mean?

The strange thing is, there was a great deal of good music in last year's films. The Life Aquatic, to pick my favourite example, had a whole raft of David Bowie songs covered by Seu Jorge. I'm not sure if the award rules allow cover versions - but these acoustic reworkings (sung in Portugese) are sublime, putting a whole new twist on old classics. Surely they were original enough to be considered?

Elsewhere, Alanis Morisette delivered one of her most listenable records of recent years for the closing credits of the Narnia film. And how about Team America: World Police? "Montage" or "I'm So Ronery" would have been worth a nod (moreso than South Park's Blame Canada, which was Oscar nominated a couple of years ago). And, after last year's decision to make Beyoncé sing all of the nominated songs in a selection of increasingly awful frocks, we'd pay good money to see Mariah Carey's version of "Everyone has Aids".

Still, kudos to the Academy for roundly ignoring 50 Cent's ' film'.

Venn diagram via Hanasiana

Full list of nominees

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News squelch

Janet Jackson apologised for her lack of humour when Alan Cumming made reference to her 'wardrobe malfunction' at an awards ceremony the other night.

"I'm going to leave the jokes to the late-night (comics), if that's okay," she told the audience.

Jackson is currently appearing as a pole-dancer in her boyfriend's new video.

Speaking of Cumming (ho-ho), the actor won't be appearing in the new X-Men film, according to his website. So, having lost a director and a key member of the cast, will this film be any cop? Our movie correspondent (a Super 8 ball we found in Oxfam) says "Heck, no!"

Melanie B is blocking a Live 8 Spice Girls renuion, says Bob Geldof.

Talking to Richard and Judy, he divulged that Scary Spice "has difficulty going back to something she did in the past". What, like being successful?

Download an exclusive Missy Elliot / Neptunes track (but only if you subscribe to Atlantic Records email spam list).

Whaddayknow? Alicia Silverstone got hitched! Awwww.

Nothing says "my album is fucking awful" better than re-releasing it with a handful of new songs and a couple of videos does it, 'Fiddy'?

Least surprising news of the day? Beyoncé already has some solo work lined up. Couldn't she at least have kept it quiet until Michelle and Kelly had had the chance to visit the job centre?

Incredulous quote of the day?
"Kids are so thick these days." (Noel Gallagher)

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