Video: Jennifer Lopez - Ain't Your Mama

Unintentionally hilarious.

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J-Lo has an important message about feminism

Remember when Lily Allen released a song about the music industry objectifying women, accompanied by a video that itself objectified women but it was OK because TEH SATIRES?

Well, here's professional wall-hugger Jennifer Lopez making the same point, but a million times more effectively. The promo for I Luh Ya Papi (I'm still not making that title up) starts with a director pitching a bunch of terrible music video scenarios before J-Lo's friends complain: "If she was a dude, they would have her up in a mansion with all these half-naked girls. Or maybe even in a yacht. Why can't we, for once, objectify the men?"

You can pretty much guess what happens next.

Jennifer Lopez - I Luh Ya Papi

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Jennifer Lopez has made a single

Pop's least essential megastar, Jennifer Lopez, is back, Back, BACK!

For the uninitiated, Jennifer Lopez is known for two things: (A) Having a bottom and (B) Being from a block. She's not as well known for her music, though, is she? Go on, see if you can name a Jennifer Lopez song this instant. No pausing. No hesitating.

Did you get one? (Jenny From The Block doesn't count because I mentioned it already.)

How about now?

Even writing this piece, the best I could come up with was "Something something ft Pitbull*". Maybe Wikipedia can help fill in the gaps? Ah yes, who can forget such era-defining hits as Louboutins, or Qué Hiciste or I'm Real (Murder Remix)?

But every so often, J-Lo stumbles across a proper pop stonker - like Waiting For Tonight or Dance Again - and it seems she might just have done it again. Her new single is called (and I am not making this up) I Luh Ya Papi. Produced by Detail (Drunk In Love) it's sleek and sexy and fun, and the rapper mentions Jenny From The Block, just so you know who it's by.

Result.

Jennifer Lopez - I Luh ya Papi

NB: Pitbull is pop's second least essential megastar

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New music from Scissor Sisters & Jennifer Lopez

...But not together, thank the Lord.

I'm off to the cinema, so apologies for the uncharacteristically quick update. Two new songs from two big returning artists. Both sounding particularly earworm-y on first listen.

1) Scissor Sisters - Only The Horses
Key infomation: Produced by Calvin Harris.
General ambience: Anthemic.
Key lyric: "If you don't know the way to hold me, let me show you how"
The video: Just the lyrics, and the Scissor Sisters logo :(
Duration: 3'39"
On Twitter: @ScissorSisters


Scissor Sisters - Only The Horses



2) Jennifer Lopez ft Pitbull - Dance Again
Key infomation: Produced by Red One.
General ambience: Alicante sex disco.
The video: A swingers party on the set of Lionel Richie's Dancing On The Ceiling.
Key lyric: "Your lips taste like heaven so why should I stop?"
Duration: 4'27"
On Twitter: @JLo

Jennifer Lopez ft Pitbull - Dance Again

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Getting it wrong: Jennifer Lopez

About 15 years ago, in the heyday of Loaded and FHM, Lynx came up with an ad campaign where they promised that if you sprayed "Africa" or "Instinct" on your armpits, girls would flock to your door and do sex on you. It continues to this day, with laughable promises like "the cleaner you are, the dirtier you'll get". In reality, of course, any potential rumpo would be over the second a girl licked your back and got that horrible dry musky taste on her tongue.

Nonetheless, the concept persists. And now Jennifer Lopez has taken it on in the video for her new single Papi. She's reversed the gender roles, obviously, and she doesn't need to use a special bodyspray to attract men because Jennifer Lopez smells like fresh sky on a mountain top.

So, in the video J-Lo eats a magic love cookie (similar to a hash brownie, one presumes) and hundreds of men fall over themselves to get her attention, with hilarious consequences. At least, I assume it's supposed to be funny - but I think they've miscalculated the comedic effect of a posse of men on a wild testosterone binge pursuing a lone women down the streets of New York. The extras all seem to have a little too much fire in the blood. They're looting and smashing things up, chasing a visibly distressed Jennifer Lopez in their cars, and forcibly pulling her out of her own car through the sun roof.

When it suddenly breaks into an impromptu dance sequence, you realise they were just trying catch J-Lo in order to compliment her fabulous shoes - but for a moment there it all got a little sex crimey.

Jennifer Lopez - Papi

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A short geography lesson

Mrsdiscopop went blue with rage when Jennifer Lopez popped up on So You Think You Can Dance this Saturday past. "THIS SONG MAKES ME ...MNNRNGGGHHRRR," she seethed through gritted teeth, before exploding in a blur of spit and hair. It was quite a sight.

After soothing her with tea, biscuits and prescription drugs, I discovered the cause of this uncharacteristic diatribe: The lyric "Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza, Straight to LA, New York, Vegas to Africa".

"Doesn't she know," pleaded my wife, "the difference between a city, a state, a country and a continent?"

I didn't know it was possible to get so worked up about a 42-year-old American Idol judge's knowledge of geography. But apparently an accurate grasp of cartography is a key element in Mrsdiscopop's enjoyment of pop songs.

She's not going to be pleased, then, with the new Metronomy single, The Bay, which incorrectly lists Hong Kong (an administrative region of China) in a list of capital cities.

Oh dear.

Metronomy - The Bay


(Nice video, all the same)

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Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well video

J.Lo has always struck me as a low-rent Beyoncé. She works with all the right people, she makes all the right moves, she has an amazing bottom - yet the results are always a little underwhelming.

Perhaps its because her songs have very little to say (I'm from "the block"! I just want to be me! I'm a little bit Puerto Rican!); perhaps its because she's never been able to settle on a style (pop, R&B, eurodance, hip-hop - take your pick); or perhaps it's because her music never quite matches the expectation of her stellar reputation.

But what she gets right, almost without fail, is her videos. Lopez can dance like a whirling dervish, and her choreography is faultless. Put simply, there is a grace and ease that is never present in her try-hard songs.

It doesn't hurt that Jennifer Lopez is also quite photogenic.

Her latest clip is no exception to the rule - ho hum song, eye-tickling visuals. It is called Do It Well and here it is:

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MP3 Frenzy: Utterly random September edition

It's been a long while since I posted a batch of fresh MP3s for your aural pleasure, so here is a selection of the songs I've been playing in the last 24 hours (I left out the Hootie and the Blowfish song, for reasons of taste and decency).

Gabrielle - Why?
I know what you're thinking: Gabrielle? Why? If I told you the song also features Paul Weller, you'd probably be sick into your shoes. But guess what? It's actually really good. So Ner ner ner ner ner to you.

Reverend and the Makers - He Said He Loved Me
I warned you all about this weeks ago. It is still brilliant, and headed north in the charts as we speak.

Groove Armada - Song 4 Mutya (Panic Remix)
This is the extended version of my favourite song of the summer, Groove Armada's Out of Control (Song 4 Mutya). This is a perfect example of how extended mixes used to be in the 1980s, teasing out all the hidden elements of the song into a joyous six-minute dance epic (I particularly love the New Order-esque guitar riff). This mix is also a little bit faster than the original, so your toes may get fatigue from all the tapping.

Bruce Springsteen - The E Street Shuffle
Don't laugh. I was brought up on the Boss and the Boss = ace.

Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well
This is the new single from Jennifer Lopez who, as we all know, is a triple threat. This means she can sing, dance and act, not that she is a terrorist who picks on the handicapped and rapes goats. Probably.

ZZT - Lower State of Consciousness (Justice Remix)
Here we have an instrumental remix of a song I have never heard by a band I know nothing about. It is rather splendid.

The Tough Alliance vs. Taken By Trees - Taken Too Young
An exceptionally pretty / haunting europop cacophony, with "ethnic" percussion, a spooky children's choir and a gossamer melody. It's beautiful, although ultimately destined for a Hed Kandi chillout compilation and nothing else.

All of the songs can be downloaded in one handy batch from zShare or megaupload. You can thank me later.

(Some of these songs were discovered on Pitchfok and disco delicious and Arjan Writes. So thank you to them.)

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This is not a Eurovision entry

It is the new Jennifer Lopez single:

UK readers: Jennifer is singing in Spanish. This is an Indo-European language that has its basis in Latin. It is the native language of approximately 200 million people across the world. As music fans of the English-speaking persuasion, you are hereby excused from having to listen to or buy this song, even though it is really rather good.

Perhaps we could interest you in an appalling remix featuring Wyclef from out of the Fugees instead?

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One diva to trump them all

Jennifer Lopez, we're told, is a "Triple Threat". We'd always assumed that meant she could sing, dance and act - until we saw Gigli. So what is that mysterious third talent? Apparently, it's farting in people's faces.

The ultimate present for your mopey, Morissey-stalking friend - His house.

Now you can buy Bill Clinton's jazz collection. Unfortunately, it's a CD of his favourite songs, rather than a stash of top-shelf magazines.

Thinking of buying a PSP? Why bother when Nintendo are discounting the DS. In the US, Nintendo's machine is now half the price of Sony's - and we'd wager that similar discounts will appear over here just in time for the PSP launch.

And, finally, how can we resist a video where a geeky teacher sings to his class:


"Nobody loves you like your mama loves you
But who's loving your mama?
I am."


Well, we can, after the initial novelty has worn off. But you can click here to watch it once.

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Fear of flying

Life imitates art! Jennifer Aniston apparently freaked out and demanded to get off a transatlantic flight minutes before it took off.

Aniston was supposed to be flying back to LA from London, where she'd been spending time with Ross David Schwimmer.

I hope she went straight to his apartment and wept "I got off the plane" before collapsing into his arms. That would make my life complete.

Jennifer Lopez realises what we've all known for years. She's banned a film about the recording of her new album because she "hated the sound of her voice"

But self-delusion continues as normal for Daniel Bedingfield, who believes his shitpot second album flopped because he's not getting any skirt.

No, dear, it's because the record stank like a skunk in a binbag.

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