Christ, this Rihanna song's a bit of a mess

Rihanna recently told MTV she was making an album that "felt real, that felt soulful, that felt forever".

"I wanted songs that I could perform in fifteen years," she continued, "not any songs that were burnt out".

So how on earth have we ended up with this? Bitch Better Have My Money is a ropey old diss track, with all the keyboards on default settings and some of the most inane lyrics of Rihanna's career. And that's say something for the woman who brought Cockiness (I Love It).

The song's only saving grace is that it takes it's title from a depressingly misogynistic 1992 rap song ("pussy ain't nothing but a game to me") and turns it into an anthem of female empowerment. Or Rihanna empowerment, to be more precise.

Produced by Deputy and Kanye West - who could also do better - you can stream it below.


Bitches who have money can buy Bitch Better Have My Money by visiting iTunes now.

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"A terribly poor grasp of the English language"

What is happening to the education system in Canada? I always thought it was top of the UN's "most totally pampered places to live in the world" chart (I think it's really called the Human Development Index) but if Canada's pop lyricists are any indication, the country's children have a terribly poor grasp of the English language.

Sixteen years have passed since Alanis Morisette famously got in a muddle over the definition of irony, but it's not getting any better. Here are some recent examples.

1) "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad"
Carly Rae Jepsen - she either fundamentally misunderstands the linear nature of time, or has mixed up her tenses.

2) "I like a woman with a future and a past"
Drake - who is trying to express his preference for a female partner with plenty of experience and a lust for life. Sadly, his clumsy phrasing makes it sound like he's willing to have a go on anyone who's not a baby or a corpse.

3) "We don't need a cure for the weight of the world / cause its floating round in the universe"
Dragonette - displaying a shocking ignorance of Kepler's laws of planetary motion.

4) "Your lips are undeniable"
Carly Rae Jepsen (again) - who has confused undeniable with irresistible. Of course you can't deny someone's lips. You'd look pretty stupid saying, "those aren't lips, they're plasticine snails. Everyone knows lips don't really exist, dummy".

Oh dear, readers. Oh dear.

That last lyric, by the way, comes from Carly Rae Jepsen's new single This Kiss, a song which tries so hard to shout "I am not a one hit wonder" that it nearly gives itself a hernia. It needen't have bothered, it's a proper sugar-pill pop classic once it settles down into itself.

Carly Rae Jepsen - This Kiss

PS The world's best pop lyricists (writing in English) come from Sweden. Deny it if you can.

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Bat For Lashes: Laura

This is easily the most beautiful thing you will hear all week.

Bat For Lashes - Laura


Natasha, who is the Bat in Bat For Lashes, premiered the song on Zane Lowe's Radio 1 show last night. He didn't press her on the mournful song's meaning, which seems to be a lament for a friend - "You're the train that crashed my heart / You're the glitter in the dark". Given the date, I couldn't help thinking of Amy Winehouse, but that's probably unfounded.

Here's how she described the song to Zane:

It's quite emotionally direct and very minimal. I was listening to The Carpenters and Neil Diamond and Elton John – quite 70s piano ballads, when thinking about that song. It's just finding those hooks and simple chord progression.

Laura is the most minimal, direct, sad song on the record. Apart from that, there's a lot more beat programming, a lot more drum machines, a lot more synths. Compared to the last two records, it's probably a lot more direct, a lot more dancey and a more consistent balance between the lighter and darker songs.

Bat For Lashes' third album, The Haunted Man, comes out in October - that's the artwork below. You can download Laura today if you pre-order the album on iTunes.

BAT FOR LASHES - LAURA
You say that they've all left you behind
Your heart broken, a part of you died
Drape your arms around me and softly say
Can we dance upon the tables again?

When you smile is so wide
And your heels are so high
You can't cry
Get your glad rags on
And let's sing along
To that lonely song

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh-oh, Laura, you're more than a superstar
And in this horror show
I've got to tell you so
Ooh-oh, Laura, you’re more than a superstar

You say that you're stuck in a pale blue dream
And your tears feel hard on my bed sheets
Drape your arms around me and softly say
Can we dance upon the tables again?

Your smile is so wide
And your heels are so high
You can't cry
Put your glad rags on
And let's sing along
To that lonely song

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh-oh, Laura, you’re more than a superstar
You'll be famous for longer than them
Your name is tattooed on every boy's skin
Ooh-oh, Laura, you’re more than a superstar

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh-oh, Laura, you’re more than a superstar
And in this old horror show
I've got to let you know
Ooh-oh, Laura, you're more than a superstar
You're more than a superstar

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Five annoying cliches in pop music

Had you ever heard the phrase "un-break my heart" before Toni Braxton sang it back in 1996? I'd wager not. Diane Warren's lyric isn't just original, it's economic - expressing in three words what lesser writers would have wasted an entire chorus on.

Not every pop song can create a new idiom. Most don't even try. In fact, rock and pop lyrics have a very restricted vocabulary - around 2,000 words, compared to the 15,000 an average English speaker has stored in their head.

Inevitably, some phrases get recycled. A select few become so inextricably woven into the fabric of pop culture that we forget they are UTTER BALLS. Here are five of the worst offenders.

1) "I hate to love you / I love to hate you"
Take a moment to marvel at this clever juxtaposition: How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? It's impossible! Or maybe it is not impossible: Have you ever been so mad at someone you could just kiss them? No, me neither.

Worst offenders: Rihanna, Erasure
To put it another way: "Baby I just can't stand to see you happy, but more than that I hate to see you sad." (Prince, Strange Relationship)


2) "Baby, baby, baby, you got me going crazy"
Being in love can certainly make you feel giddy, elated, heightened, scared, soppy, jubilant, fulfilled. But not crazy. Crazy is sacrificing a goat, smearing yourself in its blood and going to Tesco for the groceries. Crazy is drawing fifty-five penises on your appraisal form and calling your boss "satan". Crazy is listening to the collected works of Olly Murs. If falling in love prompts any of those reactions... well, I can recommend a good doctor.

Worst offenders: Fine Young Cannibals, Britney Spears, Aerosmith
To put it another way: "I remember when I lost my mind, there was something so pleasant about that place." (Gnarls Barkley, Crazy)


3) "I would do anything for you"
No, you wouldn't.

Worst offenders: Gloria Estefan, Bryan Adams
To put it another way: "I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing." (Pet Shop Boys, I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing)


4) "I'm down on my knees, begging you please"
It's not just lyricists who are partial to this cliché. It's a popular trope in film and literature, too. It's the sort of thing artists like Usher imagine "real people" do, because they have no direct experience of genuine human interaction.



Worst offenders: Eric Clapton, Duffy, Usher
To put it another way: "Can someone please remove these cutleries from my knees" (Flight Of The Conchords, What's Wrong With The World Today?)


5) "Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care"
Why am I having to pretend not to care? Who in their right minds has serious concerns about waving their hands in the air? I suppose it might be a problem if you had particularly bad underarm sweat patches. And drivers should remain in control of their vehicles at all times. So why not change the lyric to "wave your hands in the air if you just don't care, but do try to consider the safety of others while your limbs are in a state of elevation, thank you and I hope you continue to enjoy the remainder of this song."

Worst offenders: Cameo, S Club 7
To put it another way: "Is it safe to dance? Everybody look at your hands." (Men Without Hats, Safety Dance)

There must be plenty more... Put your suggestions in the comments box, or send me a note on @mrdiscopop and I'll put together the rest of the top 10.

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2010 in crap lyrics

Next week's rundown of my top 10 singles and albums of 2010 (why do it before the year ends?) will confirm what a great year this has been for music. From Robyn's rat-a-tat pop attack on the nation's hearts and dancefloors, to Gil Scott Heron's thoughtful, composed reflections on heritage and death, there's been a lot to celebrate.

Lyrically, though, it's been a rough 12 months. We don't need pop music to win Pulitzer Prizes, or even aspire to being educational, but it would be nice if people could adhere to the basic rules of English. And so I present to you the Discopop Directory year in crap lyrics. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride (unless you're not in a car, in which case just don't make any sudden movements. You might knock over that coffee mug).

WORST GRAMMAR: Take That - The Flood
"There was more of them than us / now they'll never dance again."

Oh, Gary. "Was" is the singular variant of the past participle of the verb "to be". You must know that the correct word in this context was "were"? The clue is in the fact that there was more than one person not dancing again (a line I'm pretty sure you've stolen from George Michael without really understanding what it meant).

THE PERSISTENT SEX PEST AWARD: Taio Cruz ft Ke$ha - Dirty Picture
"Take a dirty picture for me / Take a dirty picture / Just take a dirty picture for me / Take a dirty picture."

Dear Taio Cruz, if she still hasn't sent you a picture by now, it's probably safe to assume she's not interested.

WORST INTERNAL LOGIC: JLS - Love You More
"On day four and five and six I don’t know what you did."
"Day five you spent it with me."

I suppose the only way these two lines could make sense is if the girl had been seeing all four members of JLS separately, without any of them ever finding out, even after they'd recorded the song. Which makes them a very special kind of stupid.

MOST GIBBERISH IN AN ALBUM HAILED AS A CRITICAL MASTERPIECE: The National - High Violet
"It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders."
"I was afraid I'd eat your brains / cos I am evil"

This is perhaps a little unfair - as The National's Matt Berninger does provide one of the year's best topical choruses in Bloodbuzz Ohio: "I still owe money/ To the money/ To the money I owe". But High Violet contains too many other examples of a lyricist striving for twisted, gothic melodrama and coming up with schoolboy ghost story nonsense. My favourite is probably: "I defend my family with my orange umbrella". This is what the NME considers to be "a goldmine of pithy insight".

THE TRUTH SERUM AWARD: Sugababes - Wear My Kiss
"I'm just a pretty little thing that'll make you wanna sing."

AKA The "beautiful robots standing alone prize", this is the moment when The Sugababes finally shed the last veneer of credibility and admitted that they were mere pop puppets, gyrating mirthlessly for your pleasure. A sad end.

THE PROFESSOR BRIAN COX AWARD FOR MIS-UNDERSTANDING THE PROPERTIES OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM: Katy Perry - Firework
"Boom, boom, boom / Even brighter than the moon, moon moon."

The moon is a solid lump of rock, weighing an impressive 7.3477 × 10²² kg. It is not a source of light, merely reflecting rays from the sun. So it can't be bright. That's why there's an eclipse when it passes between the earth and the sun. Like, duh.

THE 'I'M A TOTAL STUD, ME' AWARD FOR LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS: Professor Green - Need You Tonight
"It's just a song, in real life this would never happen to me / I am a pimp. Women chase me, I do not chase women!"

The conceit of Need You Tonight - man pines after girl who treats him like dirt - is the one saving grace of a record that rhymes "stereotypical man" with "stereotypical man". But Pro Green wastes all the sympathy we may have had for him with the clumsy, delusional pay-off.

Over on the BBC's peerless ChartBlog, Fraser McAlpine imagined how the rap continued after the fade out: "...and not just ugly women either! Really hot women! Like I can go into a club, right, and all the hot women will be all over me and all the munters and the boyfriends will all disappear suddenly like magic. It's amazing, I've even seen CCTV footage of it happening..."

LAMEST ATTEMPT AT COURTING CONTROVERSY: Enrique Iglesias - Tonight (I'm Fucking You)
"You know my motivation, given my reputation / Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude / But tonight I'm fucking you."

Taking what Cee-Lo did with the tongue-in-cheek profanities of F**k You and using it for evil. A foetus would consider this song immature.

THE 'OH PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF' AWARD: Travie McCoy - Billionaire
"I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt / And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had shit."

This song could have been cheerful and optimistic. A dreamer's anthem for the times your paycheque doesn't quite stretch to the end of the month. But Travie trips up on his own guilty conscience and tries to justify why he, as a wealthy man, dreams of earning more. So he promises to sort out the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, end the recession and adopt some needy babies. It's so insanely crass and irksome, it makes me splutter with indignation. And don't even get me started on the fact that he changed his name from Travis to Travie...

WORST ATTEMPT TO CROW-BAR THE WORD 'SARCOPHAGUS' INTO A SONG: Kanye West - Monster
"Have you ever had sex with a Pharoah? / I put the pussy in a sarcophagus / now she claiming I bruised her oesophagus."

Do I need to say any more on this one? Actually, yes, because a few of you got in touch to protest. First up, I concede it's a great rhyme. But it feels like Kanye has accepted a dare, like when we used to dare classmates to use words like 'plinth' or 'bumhole' in an exam paper. And that's why it earns its place in the list... If you've got any more suggestions, stick 'em in the comments section. I'd love to hear from you.

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