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"He raves. He stiffens in anticipation of coming death."

This is what will happen to you if you insist on touching yourself, according to a French textbook from the late nineteenth century.

Mind you, it makes more sense if you remove the last word from that sentence.

Spike Jonez has directed a new Gap commercial, and it is full of wanton violence and destruction. Aces.
Watch it here. Then watch it as Spike intended and be amazed all over again.

Tori Amos has released a 12-CD boxset of concert recordings from this year's Original Sinsuality tour. To be honest, we thought the shows were over-indulgent and boring, but you should head over to the official website and listen to a clip of her performing Like A Prayer with a full gospel choir. It is good.

Can you tell the difference between Computer Generated Images and Photos? Find out with this quiz.

The Guardian is hosting a series of 30-minute podcasts by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. "You need to, yeah, listen to stuff on demand when you want it and stuff," they say. It's crap, obviously.

Pictures of the new X-Men 3 movie and cast are on show at Justjared.com. They've turned Fraiser blue!

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Brushing Your Afro: The CD

The votes are in, and now we can reveal the tracklisting for the Discopop Directory onanism compilation album.

We're just in time for you to burn a copy for Father's Day, too!

Here we go:



1) Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-ling
While the single is unsubtle enough, you should really dig out the live version for the extra hand-job related lyrics:
"We did it in the kitchen!
"We did it in the hall!
"I got some on my fingers
"So I wiped it on the wall!"

2) The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
No further explanation needed.

3) Prince - Darling Nikki
It's really about a one-night-stand with a kinky sex-mistress, but worth including for the line "I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". If you're a purist, here are a few other Prince songs you can choose from: Tambourine, Jack U Off, Pheremone.

4) Semisonic - Get a Grip on Yourself
Although it seems to be a light-hearted ode to cracking one off ("Get a grip on yourself take my advice. I got a grip on myself and it feels nice"), Semisonic get extra kudos for the plaintive observation that this is "the loneliest kind of love".

5)The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
6)The Vapors - Turning Japanese
Two classics, back-to-back.

7)U2 - Babyface
A sticky-fingered ode to the slow-mo button on your video recorder.

8)Tori Amos - Icicle
Bonus sacrilege points for Tori, whose song is not just about flicking the bean - but doing it at church!

9) Billy Joel - Captain Jack
"Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
You just sit at home and masturbate".

10) Green Day - Longview
Helpfully dispelling the rumours that stroking the salami makes you go blind. Thanks, chaps.

11)The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
12)Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
The 12" version contains some extra lyrics in the fade-out…
"Don't procrastinate
Don't want to have to masturbate".

13)Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

14)The Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
"Big hands, you know you're the one".

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When I Think About You...

Songfacts.com is a treasure-trove of trivia about pop music. Most of the information is of the "the lyrics were inspired by..." variety, but in the grand tradition of the internet you can use it to discover rude things about sex.



For example, they reckon there are nine songs dedicated to the art of solo love, of both salami-stroking and parrot's toungue variety.



Only nine? I'm sure we can come up with a few more than that. U2's "Babyface" and Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls" spring to mind... So let's see if we can compile a hand shandy soundtrack album. Send your ideas to stickyfingers@discopop.co.uk by next Friday.

Songfacts: Songs about masturbation

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