Marina & The Diamonds: Hollywood

So, after a few limited edition EPs and amazing blog-friendly videos, THIS is apparently the BIG FIRST SINGLE from Marina And The Diamonds. The make-or-break, will she / won't she, last roll of the dice, final spin of the wheel, russian roulette gamble. Here's how I reacted to the song...

First listen
This is weird. The melody's all over the place. My mum will not be buying this down at Tesco*.

Second listen
Oh, I kind of see what's going on now. The lyric about Shakira is cute. But no way is daytime radio going to touch anything this wilfully perverse in the tune department.

Third listen
I love this song. I want to hug it. I want to hug everyone. I want everyone to hug the song. And possibly some alone time for me and the song in a cupboard, fumbling about next to the spare light bulbs and the feather duster. Followed by a gin and a lie down and a panicked 3am phone call for an ambulance and a scary moment where they have consider using the defibrilator. It's that good.

Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood


* Actually, my mum will buy it. She heard I Am Not A Robot and Mowgli's Road for the first time this weekend and asked: "If I go onto Amazon will I be able to buy her album?"

This is a good sign. My mum's track record of predicting hits is fearsome. In 1997, she insisted that Run DMC vs Jason Nevins were destined for number one. She bought James Blunt's Back To Bedlam in 2004, months before anyone had heard You're Beautiful on the radio. And, last year, she announced Lady GaGa was "definitely going to be a star" after having her nails done next to her in the Belfast branch of House Of Fraser (trufax). In fact, mum should probably be writing this blog instead of me.

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A cornucopia of distractions for Friday

:: This is a must-see - Neil Young performs the theme tune to Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air (okay, it's Jimmy Fallon pretending to be Neil Young, but see if you can tell the difference...)



:: The permanently underrated Kelis released a new song via her new website earlier this week. It's called Acapella, but its got instruments on it. Confusing. But Amazing. [link]

:: "I like girls. But now... it's about justice". The Top 50 Worst Moments of Video Game Dialogue [link]. See also: "Just before you die, I’m going to tell you a secret so you really don’t want to die!" - part of the ever-expanding catalogue of poor video game dialogue on the website Audio Atrocities. [link]

:: The Tao of Don Draper [via Gawker]



:: The 14 most awesome fake products from The Simpsons. [link]

:: This basketball mascot has gone above and beyond the call of duty with his half-time dance...



:: US public radio station NPR (think Radio 4 after a hostile takeover by Harvard University) ran its list of the Top 50 Most Important Recordings Of The Decade. Despite the pompous title, they have pretty funky taste - Kelly Clarkson rubs shoulders with Outkast and someone who's done a manic jazz cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit. The 1h20m podcast has music from all the winners and some hugely pretentious chit-chat. Essential listening. [link]

:: While we're looking at the end of the musical decade, you should also check out this excellent Spotify playlist from Drowned in Sound [link] and NME's Top 100 Tracks Of The Decade - correctly topped by Beyoncé's Crazy In Love. [link]

:: Lady GaGa put on an atypically understated performance of THE BIG BALLAD from her new album on Ellen De Generes' US chat show.

Lady GaGa - Speechless


:: Wikipedia quiz -- can you guess which wikipedia article is being quoted before time runs out? WARNING: This will eat up your entire afternoon. [link]

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Cheryl Cole's 3 Words video

The title track to Cheryl Cole's solo album is one of the oddest single choices this year. Sombre, atmospheric, understated - 3 Words pretty much anti-pop. Cheryl and Will.i.am are singing about a love affair, but they sound utterly miserable about it. Hopelessly, wretchedly sad. Maybe they've just discovered they're cousins?

When you add in the fact that this track is being released slap bang in the middle of the Christmas rush, 3 Words becomes the musical equivalent of the EastEnders' Christmas Day special - a black ocean of woe at a time when everyone else is parping on about peace and goodwill and how lucky they are to have won the X Factor.

In other words, it's absolutely terriffic. Cheryl is doing exactly what a proper pop star ought to - bucking the trend, upsetting the apple cart, shaving off Father Christmas's beard, drinking all the sherry and falling asleep on top of the cat.

Top marks all around.

Cheryl Cole ft Will.i.am - 3 Words

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Mars attacks

There is nothing subtle or understated about the new record by 30 Seconds To Mars (henceforth to be referred to as 30STM, or simply "~"). It opens with the sound of a lone hawk. It ends with a choir of thousands, recorded in eight separate countries. It is so epically HUGE that "~" could rebrand themselves Mr Big if the name hadn't already been taken.

The lyrics are massively important, too. It's all about man's fall from grace and Jared Leto's hopes for spiritual redemption. This sort of blether is usually the preserve of Saint Bono, and "~" have cunningly hired U2 producers Steve Lilywhite and Flood to construct a grandiose windswept soundscape around their dopey clichés. Close your eyes and it could actually be U2. Open your eyes and it's a much more enticing prospect - They all have their own hair! No-one thinks they're Jesus! Jared Leto is easier on the eye than blinking!

If you're thinking "this sounds more self-important than Jeremy Clarkson, on a throne, in the middle of Picadilly Circus, reading his autobiography through a loudhailer to his own reflection", you'd be right. It's massively, ludicrously pompous. The video is nine minutes long, for heaven's sake. Yes, the director tries to temper this by using a pseudonym (Bartholomew Cubbins) that he's ripped out of a Dr Seuss book - but he spoils all that by having a credit sequence that lasts three enitre minutes.

Nonetheless, in a year that has been sadly bereft of big, stupid rock songs you can sing at the top of your voice in the car*, this is the track we've been waiting for.

30 Seconds To Mars - Kings And Queens


** My favourite musical genre

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"I see a little silhouetto of a clam"

Stop everything you are doing AT ONCE and watch this.

The Muppets - Bohemian Rhapsody

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What in the name of Jiminy is going on with Timbaland's face?

There comes a point in every pop star's career where they become so big - so unfeasibly, inexplicably popular - that no-one is prepared to second guess their artistic instinct. Because, when they're honest about it, the people that run the record labels are scared of the creative types. They can't quantify, dissect, calibrate, timetable, define or understand what artists do, but they are essential to the future of the business. So, if someone is on a roll, it's best just to assume that they are in complete control of their faculties, and let them get on with the job.

Timbaland is currently in such a position. Everything he touches turns to gold. Not metaphorical gold, but actual, literal, gold records. So, when he decided the perfect facial expression for his new video was "Jack Nicholson, with Bell's Palsy, trying to a force an undigested corn on the cob out of his bumhole", it would appear that nobody around him was capable of saying, "Em, perhaps that may not be the best idea, Timothy".



























I stopped taking screen captures around the 3 minute mark. It was starting to become ridiculous.

But if someone wants to go through the whole thing and make an animated gif of the many faces of Timbaland, I would happily delete this enitre site and just put that up in its place, looping for infinity.

Timbaland ft SoShy - Morning After Dark


Come to think of it, the whole vampire storyline has a certain air of "whatever you think is best, Mr Timbaland", to it as well.

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