James Blunt is more popular than Jesus

Not really. But Jesus doesn't have 5 nominations at the Brit Awards, does he?

Yes, the Brit Awards - the most useless gong show in the calendar (and we're including the MOBOs in that list). Like drowning cat ties to a brick, the Brit Awards are duty bound to recognise the "phenomenal achievement of British Artists" even when those artists are increasingly dull and pointless.

This year's nominations are suitably ghastly. Let's take a look at some of the 'highlights':

British Male Solo Artist
Antony and the Johnsons
Ian Brown
James Blunt
Robbie Williams
Will Young

British Female Solo Artist
Charlotte Church
Kate Bush
Katie Melua
KT Tunstall
Natasha Bedingfield

- As ever, the jury have an extremely limited choice in these fields, so they've had to bend the rules a little. For example, Natasha Bedingfield didn't release any new material in 2005, and Antony and the Johnsons aren't even British.

However, you should be thankful for these discrepancies: The only other British solo artists we have are Lee Ryan and Lisa Scott-Lee .

MasterCard British Album
Coldplay - X&Y
Gorillaz - Demon Days
James Blunt - Back To Bedlam
Kaiser Chiefs - Employment
Kate Bush - Aerial

- In a just world, the best album gong would go to Gorillaz. Of course, this being the Brits, it will go to Kate Bush or Coldplay. And who doesn't like Coldplay? They're the third biggest band in the world (or so Q Magazine keeps trying to tell us).

Chris Martin will pick up his award dressed as a giant robot from space. Or maybe he won't. It's hard to tell because he's so unpredictable and charismatic.

British Single
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
James Blunt - You’re Beautiful
Shayne Ward - That’s My Goal
Sugababes - Push The Button
Tony Christie ft Peter Kay - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo

- Now, really, what the fuck is going on here?


British Breakthrough Act
Arctic Monkeys
James Blunt
Kaiser Chiefs
KT Tunstall
Magic Numbers

- It says here that these nominees were chosen by Radio 1 listeners, but surely that's a typo. They must mean Radio 2. Don't Radio One play cutting-edge new music? Where are acts like Hard-Fi and The Ordinary Boys, then?

Note, once again, the presence of James "I used to be a soldier, so I'm definitely not gay - I'm just in touch with my feminine side" Blunt. It appears that our vocal coach has been wrong all these years, and it is actually better to sing everything through your nose and two octaves above your natural range in a whiny dirge.

Pop Act
James Blunt
Katie Melua
Kelly Clarkson
Madonna
Westlife

- No arguments with Kelly Clarkson and Madonna, and you can't really dispute the eternal popularity of the Westlife, no matter how mystifying it may be. However, they're all international acts, which seems to be okay in this category but not in others.

So, how much are you willing to bet that at least two of these acts are performing on the night?

Meanwhile, Katie Melua and James Blunt stretch the definition of pop to breaking point, and actual pop acts like Goldfrapp, Girls Aloud and Rachel Stevens are ignored.

International Album
Arcade Fire - Funeral
Green Day - American Idiot
Kanye West - Late Registration
Madonna - Confessions On A Dancefloor
U2 - How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

- Hey, maybe we should watch the Grammy Awards instead!

International Breakthrough Act
Arcade Fire
Daniel Powter
Jack Johnson
John Legend
Pussycat Dolls

- On second thoughts, let's just stop listening to music altogether and be done with it.

Bah and, indeed, humbug.

Tweet