"Everything phenomical and TV mum"

Geri Halliwell, it has already been established, is 100% banana sandwich hic dong woof woof mad.

The former Spicette, who once admitted to having "growing pains in my brain", dresses like a fairy, speaks in constant streams of misunderstood psychobabble, pretends to be under 50 and shops at the supermarket of insane. Where she buys plums made from batteries, slides down sugarcane bannisters, and sneaks llama trousers onto the cheese counter.

So it comes as no surprise to learn that her children's book Ugenia Lavender is a work of unhinged geniosity. Her ten-year-old heroine sets off to rescue tigers and explore deserted islands - all while "inspiring" her readers by burdening their tiny minds with meaningless advice like: "To get off the pity pot, get grateful".

What on earth is a pity pot?

On second thoughts, I'm not even sure I want to know...

Always true to her musical muse, Halliwell has recorded a theme tune for her literary phenomenon, which you can hear in full on the karaoke section of her website. Watch out for lyrics such as "zonkoids are so terrible" and "avoid dog poo".

I hereby present a 30-second taster, which will terrify you to your very soul (although, I admit, it's quite catchy).


Geri Halliwell - Ugenia Lavender theme

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