New music: Pixie Lott

Imagine a world where the people behind Hepburn and the people behind Natasha Bedingfield got together to create a new pop star. I know it's hard, but if you close your eyes really tightly and stick hot needles into your fleshy bits, you might just be able to imagine this parallel universe of crap.

To be assured of success, these ruthless pop svengalis would have to make several tough decisions.

Who should this new artist sound like: Duffy or Adele? Will she record her mid-tempo pop ballads at 100bpm or 98bpm? Should her official biog mention MySpace? Or has that been superceded by Twatter or Bookface or Bobo? It is all so terribly difficult.

Well, for right or wrong, those choices have all been made. The result is Pixie Lott, a blonde 18-year-old stage school graduate who sounds a bit like Duffy and Adele, whose songs are recorded at a variety of tempos in the range 98-100bpm, and whose official biog mentions MySpace and beseeches you to check out her updates on Twitter.

No stone has been left unturned, folks. The beach is a fucking mess.

Because true pop savants know that you can't go wrong with parentheses, her first single is called Mama Do (Uh Oh, Uh Oh). It's a tale of sneaking out of the house behind your parents back, although it's more Nancy Drew than Cyndi Lauper.

Here is the sound that it makes in your earholes:

Pixie Lott - Mama Do (Uh Oh, Uh Oh)


Here are some other gems from Pixie's press release:

"The voice hits you round the head like a Tom & Jerry frying pan" (??!)

"50 [is] the age at which she will officially identify herself as 'old'" (???!)

"You can only call her by her real name if she's misbehaved" (????!)

"It is a song about love on a bungee rope" (?????!)

"[Her debut single] is produced by Lily Allen and Beck collaborator Greg Kurstin" (this one is an outright lie)

Comedy gold, readers. Comedy gold.

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