Who on earth styled this picture?

We can imagine the photo shoot went something like this:

Okay guys. Here we are. Now, before we turn the wind machine on, we want to talk just a little about the concept, the milieu, the elan of X Factor. After last year, it's a whole new era for the show so we really wanna shake things up a bit. Okay? Yeah? Great! Let's go.

Simon, you're first. We see you as an important, dynamic music mogul with no time to spare. A guy like you would never waste precious seconds tucking his clothes into his trousers. Or ironing them. So try this on - we've pre-crumpled it. And don't worry about the dog hairs - that's all part of the tussled heterosexual bachelor pad look. If you're not sure what to do with your hands, just jam them in your pockets. It'll emphasise your cock. And you're nothing if not a massive cock. Only joking, of course.

Cheryl. Hi Cheryl. Lovely Cheryl. Now, for your wardrobe, we've taken inspiration from Beyoncé. We know the dress LOOKS like something we found in the Blakes 7 store cupboard but I'll have you know we personally hand-stitched it using greaseproof paper and glitter and shoulder pads and LOVE. What's that, darling? It makes your boobs look cartoonishly big? Like Jessica Rabbit after she's been accosted with a bicycle pump? Well, we don't have a problem with that per se - but you can always get them to fix it in Photoshop later if you like. Alright, pet?

Danni, you're going to want to sit down before we show you this... Ta-daaaa!! Isn't it amazing? It's a genuine dust sheet we used to cover the floor when we were building the set vintage toga from the Imperial Roman court of Emperor Augustus! Now, it is very delicate, so please try to make sure that as little of the material as possible touches your skin. Loose, baggy and shapeless is the new spray-on wet-look leopard print leggings.

Last, but not least, our lovely little Irish potato, Louis Walsh. And don't you look cute as a button? Maybe we should let you wear your own clothes this year.

Yes, honey, just like Bono.

In unrelated news, ITV is suffering budgetary problems due to the economic downturn.

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