Seven things Mika's new single sounds like

Mika - We Are Golden


(ducks and awaits barrage of abusive comments)

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The Brits, then

In order of appearance...

Mika: Insufferable
Beth Ditto: Underused
"The" Osbournes: Grotesque
Take That: Bless
Klaxons: Which ones are the Klaxons?
Rihanna: Hoodie

Fearne Cottons... Now wait a cotton-picking minute (do you see what I did there?)

Why are the public being allowed to decide who wins the Best Single award? The shortlist is already based on the top-selling records of the year, so why not just give the prize to the one that sold the most (Leona Lewis). The phone-in element just ruins the pace of the show, and cheapens the whole affair. They don't let you phone in at the Oscars, do they? No wonder none of the important acts turned up. They thought it was the bloody X Factor.

Adele: Guv'nor
Mika again: Vomitous
Kylie: Not really dancing
Kelly Rowland: Not really Beyoncé
Kanye West: Numbskull
Mark Ronson: Even the voiceover lady points out he shouldn't be given Best British Male
Kaiser Chiefs: Just awful
Kylie again: Best International Female? What must Rihanna think?



Leona Lewis: Wow!



Foo Fighters: Sarcastic
Kate Nash: Fuck off. For the love of God, fuck off.
Foo Fighters: Cheeky
Mark Ronson and Adele and Daniel Merriweather and...
Amy Winehouse!!!!: Jaw-droppingly, monumentally fantastic.



Arctic Monkeys: Girls Aloud wuz robbed
Amy Winehouse again: Wobbly
Take That: Cuddly
Arctic Monkeys: Smirksome
Paul McCartney: Hello, granddad.

And that was the Brits. See you next year, eh?

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Inevitable Brits analysis thing

The Brits nominations were published yesterday and, according to Radio One, Gwen Stefani and My Chemical Romance were "glaring omissions". Which is a right old bag of balls if you ask me.

The shortlist is suprisingly good - rewarding the bands and artists who made an impact at the tills in 2007. Yes, that includes the Kaiser Chiefs and their mentally-retarded Ruby song, but it also means recognition for Arcade Fire, Mark Ronson, Kanye West and Foo Fighters.

Pop acts are finally being taken seriously again after what we can only call the "Steps backlash", which means Take That get an amazing four nominations (even though their album came out in 2006) and Mika gets another four (even though, technically, he is an awful cunt).

Best of all, the almighty Girls Aloud are up for best group. Obviously, they don't stand a chance of winning when the competition is Jo Whiley's Arctic Monkeys and Marks and Spencers's Take That, but at least they haven't been bumped off the list in favour of the fucking Pigeon Detectives.

Despite Radio One's petulance at two of their automatically-playlisted artists being ignored - because no-one really likes them - the really obvious omissions are Radiohead (not eligible, apparently), The Police (not as good at playing live as the Klaxons) and Prince (not really that popular in 2007).

Also - shortlisting Michael Buble for best international male is the best Brits in-joke since Jonathan King's Brits Dance Medley in 1990.

You can find the full list of nominees here because there's no way I'm typing all that rubbish out for myself.

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Too much candy's gonna rot your soul

Here is Mika's latest video. It's what the Beatles' Yellow Submarine would have looked like if they had been a gay karaoke act (eg Mika).

Mika - Lollipop

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The return of the arrow of truth

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The gigantic arrow of trooth

New Young Pony Club - The Bomb

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Mika is coming: Watch out!

Beirut-born fey pop twiglet Mika has been named the next big thing in the BBC's prestigious Sound of 2007 poll.

If you haven't heard of him yet, you had better get an opinion soon - because "the media" is getting it's big old granny knickers in a frightful twist over this flamboyant fop.


Here is a sample of what they've been saying:
"One-man Scissor Sisters" - Q Magazine
"Mika might resemble a young Leo Sayer" - The Guardian
"Unashamedly commercial" - The Times
"Every so often an artist comes along with hit written all over them" - Colin Martin, Radio 2
"One of the quirkier artists to emerge from England" - The New York Post
"Better than a kick in the cunt" - Popjustice

What they're all driving at, though, is that Mika will succeed because he sounds like people who are already famous. Robbie Williams, Scissor Sisters, Freddie Mercury, The Feeling - these are all names that have been bandied about. But is that really enough? Let's look at some more Mika facts:

He has a suspiciously small CD collection

He went to the uber-posh Westminster school and the Royal College of Music

His single, Grace Kelly, features the lyric "Why Don't You Like Me" over and over again

He says he is not a pop star but an "artist"

He refuses to discuss his 'ambiguous' sexuality

Oh dear. Perhaps a video of Mika performing his single, Grace Kelly, will stave off that humongulous yawn you were summoning:



Hmmm... perhaps not. But let's just have a look at another video, by vaudeville Canadian rocker Hawksley Workman, for comparison purposes.


Do you think, readers, that Mika might have seen Hawksley at some point and thought to himself: "Oooh, I could do something like that - only gay"?

I'm saying nothing.

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