Willow Smith is back - and sounding like a cross between Drake and Jill Scott

No-one born in the year 2000 should be allowed to release music yet, let alone music called "Female Energy", but I suppose if your dad is Will Smith some of the boundaries get blurred.

So here she is, "Whip My Hair" hitmaker Willow Smith with a surprisingly supine slice of late night R&B called Female Energy. The first thing you'll notice is that, for a 13-year-old, her command of her voice is astonishing. By turns she sounds weary, thoughtful, cynical, croaky, dismissive and mature. Ok, four of those qualities are common to all teenagers, but how many can convey that into a vocal performance?

The cod-mystic lyrics, on the other hand, aren't so great: "I bet you have questions, like where did I come from? I come from the planets," she coos as the track begins. Later, when she describes "conversing with our bodies", you have to pray that her dad isn't listening.

Oh, and if you didn't think this was precocious enough, it was entirely improvised.

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The MTV awards in gifs, pics, a vine, a soundbite and a video

Justin Timberlake was the big winner at last night's VMAs but nobody watches it for the awards, do they? Here are the best bits in "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim from Viacom Ltd" form.


Lady Gaga glued her eyes open by accident.


But her multi-wigged performance of "Applause" was a triumph.


Even if the dancers looked a little confused at the end of it.


Pharrell cycled to work.


The rest of Daft Punk probably arrived on a spaceship -
but they failed to perform or win any awards :(


In fact, Get Lucky inexplicably lost best song of the summer to One Direction.


Taylor "shut the fuck up" Swift was not amused. And she wasn't the only one...

One Direction were loudly booed as they took their prize.
Which led to Lady Gaga giving them an exceptionally cute pep talk backstage.



Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus did this sort of thing a lot.


And showed how she failed her interview to be a London 2012 Games Maker.


The Smith family were distinctly unimpressed by the hoedown throwdown.


Robin Thicke managed to be an even bigger sleaze than ever.


Rihanna looked thrilled just to be part of it all.


Kanye West performed in the dark.


TLC reunion!!


Justin Timberlake basically got to perform his own concert.


Which included this incredible N*Sync moment.


...As well as this one.


Taylor Swift seemed to enjoy this one.


Katy Perry closed the show by skipping under the Brooklyn Bridge.


It was the most traditional performance of the night...


...But it chose a theme, stuck to it, and didn't fall back on gimmicks or nudity.
Well done, Katy.


THE END.

So that's the awards "in full". They're on MTV UK later tonight, and pretty much every other night until the end of the month. If you don't have time to sit through it all (there's a performance from Drake, FYI) the best bit is Justin's mind-blowing 15-minute hits medley, which incorporates Led Zeppelin's Kashmir and Rapper's Delight, amongst other thing. It's incredible.

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Misery pop overload

Get ready to sob uncontrollably, because pop music is having a massive sulky lipwobble. It's like that Harry Potter book where JK Rowling suddenly remembered teenagers can get sullen and self-involved, so every other paragraph said, "Harry was consumed with frustration" or "I just feel so angry, all the time".

If you're in the mood to wrap yourself in a duvet and stare vacantly out the window thinking about the sheer futility of existence, here's the perfect soundtrack.

ARTIST: WILLOW SMITH (yes, that Willow Smith)
Title: Sugar And Spice
Really deep lyric: "I tried to be Sugar and Spice, but I'm melancholy and can't do anything right"
Reasons to be cheerful: Samples Radiohead's gloomy Pyramid Song
Misery rating: 9/10




ARTIST: SKY FERREIRA
Title: Everything Is Embarrassing
Really deep lyric: "I've been hating everything"
Giving the game away: About 3'28" into her debut TV performance, Sky breaks character with a brief dance flourish. Hang on - she's not glum at all, is she?
Misery rating: 6/10



ARTIST: ALUNAGEORGE
Title: Thinkin' About You
Really deep lyric: "My eyes don't shed tears but, boy, they bawl"
Wet blanket bonus: AlunaGeorge are covering "boo-hoo" songmeister Frank Ocean
Misery rating: 8/10

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Tinie gets whipped

Thought you'd finally escaped Willow Smith's Whip My Hair? Think again. Here's a crafty little remix with a breezy opening monologue by Tinie Tempah.

OK, he's a little late to the party, but Tinie's had a busy year, so we can forgive him. As long as he helps puts the paper plates in a bin bag and sticks around for breakfast.

It's just a short verse to kick off the song but the quality threshold is predictably high, with Tinie's tongue planted firmly in cheek, as usual: "This beat was made by a young 'un, so I'm trying to watch my tongue, in case I go and say somethin'."

Nice work.

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A disturbing fact about Willow Smith

Willow Smith, the nine-year-old singing sensation and movie star offspring, has finally got around to releasing her debut video - Whip It. Embedding is disabled but if it wasn't it would look like this:

Willow Smith - Whip It

Clearly, this song is IMMENSE. A crunkified, attitudinal corker, laser targetted at number one. And when it gets there, Willow Smith will be the first ever chart star to be born in the 21st Century.

Stop for a moment and think about that.

I am off to lie in a darkened room and contemplate my impending mortality. In the meantime, and in order to skew the demographic even further towards toddlers, here's a video mash-up of the Willow track and a Sesame Street song called "I Love My Hair".

Whip It - Fraggle Roc Nation mix

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