Clean Bandit have teamed up with that X Factor winner you vaguely remember

Fresh from making music with Sir Elton John, Clean Bandit - the 21st Century's answer to M People* - have hit the studio with 2015 X Factor winner Louisa Johnson (aka Louisa (aka Lousia Johnson (aka Oh yeah, her))).

Don't worry, though, because Tears is much better than it sounds - a twinkly, housey, arms-akimbo banger, cut from the same cloth as Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive.

Louisa declares "I will get over you" with such conviction that you can picture her wiping away the mascara that's streaming down her face and striding purposefully into the night (with a sheet of loo roll stuck to her pants because she is just like you or me).

It's not perfect. Clean Bandit's USP - they play proper instruments, you know? - is clunkily shoehorned into the chorus, giving what should be the climactic moment the ambience of "fourth runner up at Eurovision".

But overall it's a solid 7/10.


(If the player doesn't work try this link instead.

* If the M People were a question, which is debatable.

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Cheryl did a textbook X Factor performance last night

Cheryl's I Don't Care has been sitting pretty at the top of the iTunes chart for the last 24 hours, suggesting that she'll score her fifth number one single on Sunday. In doing so, she'll set a new record for the most number ones by a UK solo female artist.

Her team have been trumpeting this possibility for a couple of weeks now, and rightly so, but they never seem to mention whose record Cheryl will be smashing... probably because it's Geri Halliwell's.

Anyway, Cheryl took a break from judging duties on last night's X Factor to do her pop star thing, and she put on a gutsy, professional show. She's been accused of miming, to which I say (a) it sounds more like a hybrid mix of live and pre-recorded vocals; and (b) who cares when the choreography is so tight and funky? I believe the correct internet vernacular is "fierce" but, to me, the whole routine was reminiscent of Control-era Janet Jackson - all snaps, flicks and punches.

The song has finally grown on me, too, although I reckon it's crying out for a mash-up with this rave classic.

Cheryl - I Don't Care

I Don't Care (The X Factor) - Cheryl by cherylonlinenet

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Good news - Jessie Ware is back

She's the Larynx of London, the Sultan of Sultry, the Nefertiti of NuSoul, the Dubstep Sade, the Ware in "Tell me where on earth that voice comes from".

She is Jessie Ware, and she's got a new song to tell you about.

"I had just finished a run of shows in the States and went to NY to work with BenZel for a couple weeks, mainly as a different focus to touring," she says in a press release. "I didn't have any expectations or pressures with what would come out of those two weeks, and think 'Tough Love' sums this up.

"It was me experimenting with my voice and having fun with it. It just felt right and kind of dictated the route of the next album, much like Devotion did on my first album."

Anyway, without further nonsense, here is the song. It's called Tough Love and it's everything you could have wanted.

Jessie Ware - Tough Love

If you think the name BenZel rings a bell, you're not mistaken. Shrouded in mystery, they launched their career about 18 months ago, with this anonymous but sublime cover of the R&B classic If You Love Me. Coincidentally, it had Jessie Ware on vocals.



The production duo were later revealed to be a side project of Benny Blanco (Katy Perry's Teenage Dream, Maroon 5's Moves Like Jagger) and Two Inch Punch (Sam Smith's Money On My Mind). Now they're executive producing Ware's new album.

According to Pitchfork, she's also worked with Miguel, Ed Sheeran, Julio Bashmore, Dave Okumu, AntMusik, Kid Harpoon, Robin "Oblong" Randall, James Ford, Arvind Nue5mith, Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter, Roland Poland, Red Setter and Nineteen85 on the new album

OK, I made half of those up.

But what you can be sure of is that Tough Love is out on 4 August. Here's the pre-order link - and while you wait for it to come out, here's Jessie performing Wildest Moments with the winner of Poland's X Factor. Because why not?

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Little Mix got the Move

Exciting news! I've been laying underfloor insulation in our cellar all day.

And now I am kicking back with this - Little Mix's first live TV performance of Move, which took place in the Aussie X Factor, where Ronan Keating is a judge for some reason.

Blimey, those Pom Sheilas can really sing, can't they Charlene? Etc, etc.

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One week off: What happened?

:: All of Lady Gaga's clothes fell off.

:: Katy Perry burnt her blue wig and buried her California Gurls costume in a series of promos for her new single, Roar. Because what everyone wants is a serious and mature Katy Perry "project".



:: Louis Walsh quit the X Factor. Maybe he's bringing back Bellefire.

:: All of Lady Gaga's clothes fell off.

:: MGMT came back with the least uplifting single you'll hear all summer called, naturally, "Your Life Is A Lie". Bonkers video ahoy.


:: The Sugababes maybe probably split up, they think. Or possibly not. Who knows?

:: The Origibabes made their live comeback. There are videos everywhere (Popjustice has a great write-up) - but this one is the best: The band are singing Stronger and at 2'10", when everyone assumes Mutya will perform Heidi's lines, Siobhan steps up to the mic and the crowd go mental.


:: Noted scholar Tulisa Contostavlos has written her debut novel. Star is a violently cathartic story about the abduction of a cabinet minister's daughter during a state visit to Israel. The stakes are raised when Hamas claim responsibility - but counter-terrorism agent Sam Archer thinks otherwise, and must work against the clock to avert a disastrous conflict in the Middle East.

:: Oh, alright. It's about a girl who struggles with fame.

:: Lady Gaga finally put her "pants" (trousers) on, and then her arm fell off at the elbow.

:: Justin Timberlake and his carefully-cultivated facial hair made a video for Take Back The Night. He spends a lot of time crouching in this clip, as if he's hurt his back lifting a heavy book from a tall shelf. Poor Justin.



:: PJ Harvey released a new, free song named after and dedicated to Shaker Aamer, a British national who's been held in Guantanamo Bay for 11 years, despite being cleared for release by both George Bush and Barack Obama. It's quite powerful.




:: Lady Gaga revealed the entirely boob-free cover for her ArtPop album. Disappointing.

And that's all... Normal blog service will resume tomorrow.

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First single from X Factor's Amelia Lily

In the vast pantheon of pop, there are a striking number of people with two first names: George Michael, Billy Joel, Les Paul, Cliff Richard, Ray Charles, Bob Marley, Dean Martin, Paul Simon, Carly Simon, Ricky Martin, Toni Basil, Paula Abdul... I could go on.

Thanks to my brilliant mathematical mind (Grade B in AS-Level statistics, suckers) I can conclusively state that having two first names guarantees chart success. How do you account for the bewildering success of Take That? It's not the seductive compositional stylings of Sir Gareth Barlow OBE, it's the full-throttle assault of three double-firsters: Howard Donald, Mark Owen and Robbie William(s).

Given the overwhelming body of evidence, I predict X Factor graduate Amelia Lily will be number one for three months. And if it all goes wrong, she has a hidden trick up her sleeve: A third first name (she was born Amelia Lily Oliver).

Happily for your ears, Ameila's debut single, You Bring Me Joy, isn't an utter crock of shit. Produced by Xenomania, it's an "uptempo dance number" with a repetitive but unshakeable melody.

This is the part where I'd normally say Amelia's come a long way since her TV debut (Tulisa: "You performed like a 30-year-old woman") but, to be honest, her voice was as stunning then as it is now. I really hope this does well. Radio programmers, it's up to you now.



Amelia Lily - You Bring Me Joy

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Five songs Little Mix could have released instead of Cannonball

Well done, the British Public. You correctly rejected Liverpool's premier Bruno Mars impersonator as the winner of X Factor 2011, and chose Little Mix (or "the Lidl Muffins", as Tulisa inexplicably insisted on calling them) as your winners.

Louis Walsh actually said something prescient and insightful when he declared Little Mix would be the biggest girl band in the UK next year. The year after... well, we'll have to wait and see.

HOWEVER - in a series marked by appalling decisions on behalf of the X Factor production team, Little Mix have been lumbered with Damien Rice's plodding sob-fest Cannonball as their first single. Don't get me wrong - the original is a beautiful, delicate piece of work. But it simply does not suit a teenage girl group who sing with so much force it shreds their jeans to pieces.

Here's five other songs that I've essentially chosen at random. They would all have worked better as Little Mix's debut.


1) TLC - Unpretty
Little Mix have made a point of the fact that they don't look like a typical size zero girl group. They were in tears when they performed Christina Aguilera's Beautiful in week 8. As Jesy said in the intro video, "your insecurities are what make you different," said Jesy in the intro video. TLC's Unpretty delivers the same message, but it's less heavy-handed and more suited to a vocal harmony group. Also, it's brilliant.





2) The Dixie Cups - Iko Iko
Short, fun, plenty of opportunity for harmonies. The lyric about the black civil rights movement is no more inappropriate than Cannonball, which begins with an oral sex reference.





3) The Jam - Going Underground
Because pissing off the indie kids by covering one of "their" songs is what the X Factor is all about. This comes with a ready-made key change (two of them, actually) and the video can cut to the footage of Little Mix being crowned the winners during the line "the public gets what the public wants".





4) Voice Of The Beehive - I Say Nothing
"I know what I believe, don't need to wear it on my sleeve". This is the most Girl Power thing anyone has ever said in the entire history of saying things.





5) Blur - Tender
If the winner's single absolutely has to be a plodding rework of a guitar ballad, then it should be this one. Bonus content: No need to shoe-horn in a gospel choir.





Those are just five examples but HERE'S THE AMAZING THING: Little Mix have already released a better single than Cannonball. Their superlative cover of En Vogue's Don't Let Go (Love) is currently available on iTunes. If we all buy that instead, maybe Syco will relent and make it chart eligible.

Remember kids: Little Mix's future is in your hands.

Little Mix - Don't Let Go (Love)

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Rihanna flips out

Dear Rihanna, this is so far beneath you, it's in the earth's molten core.


I mean, I get the brand synergy. On the one hand, you've got an anonymous, sterile temple to everything that is wrong with modern consumer culture and, on the other, you have the Westfield Shopping Centre. I AM JOKING OF COURSE.

What Rihanna needs to do now is restore her credibility by leaking an amazing song that reminds the world why she is the pre-eminent Barbadan pop diva of our times. And guess what? Here is just such a track.

Love The Way You Lie (Pt II) is essentially Eminem's song with Eminem surgically removed and replaced by Rihanna, who is a-warblin' and a-singin' until the very final minute, when Marshall Mathers kicks down the door and starts barking something about moles (true).

It is very much in the vein of Alicia Keys' Empire State Of Mind (Pt II), except with a different song and a different artist.

Rihanna and Eminem - Love The Way You Lie (Pt II)

By the way, did you see Rihanna "interviewed" by Konnie Huq on The Xtra Factor last week? Truly a meeting of the minds. Pay particular attention to how Rihanna answers the piercing journalistic interrogation: "Have you ever had any ghosts in your house?"

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Joe McElderry song in "not entirely unlistenable" shocker

Not that I would actually pay to download this from iTunes or anything.
(*hastily disables Ping account*).

Joe McElderry - Ambitions



Snobs will point out that Joe's single is - GASP - a cover version but, look, plenty of perfectly acceptable pop careers have been built on songs the public overlooked first time around (Natalie Imbruglia, Happy Mondays, St Etienne, to name but a few).

Ambitions was originally by Norwegian quintet Donkeyboy, who failed in the UK after deciding that Flock Of Seagulls haircuts and a surfeit of denim somehow constituted "a look".



Their version has a rickety, out-of-sync charm that's missing from Joe's buffed and varnished X Factor production. But there should be a big round of applause for the Syco intern who took their life into their own hands and planted this song amongst the big pile of mediocre twatballads in Simon Cowell's in-tray. Superlative work.

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Diana Vickers comes up trumps

Diana Vickers remains to this day the only X Factor contestant we have ever voted for (we think - there may have been an alcohol fuelled phone call to Miss Frank last year, but it's hard to be 100% certain). Here's why...

Unlike American Idol, which deliberately includes a few quirky contestants every season - this year it's the improbably-named Crystal Bowersox - X Factor rarely takes a punt on anyone who doesn't fit the well-groomed top 20 template. Vickers was the exception: Dressed like a hippy in a hurricane, and singing like Delores O'Riordan with hiccups.

I met her this week and she said her X Factor experience was like being Bambi just after they shot his mother - possibly my favourite pop star quote ever. As you may know, she survived the ordeal, went on to win awards for her West End debut in Little Voice, and has recorded an IMPORTANT DEBUT ALBUM on Sony.

Despite a terrible name (Songs From The Tainted Cherry Tree?!?) the record has an impressive cast-list of writers - Cathy Dennis, Ellie Goulding, Nerina Pallot. If Kylie had bothered to make an album last year it would have sounded pretty much like this.

The first single is Once. Rather than underplaying Vickers' squeaky vocal tics, it builds the chorus around them. A bold decision, but the correct one.

Here's the video. We like the way she sleeps standing up.

Diana Vickers - Once


All good. The end.

UPDATE: For some reason, Sony have given the World Exclusive of Diana's video to Play.com - that well-known home of music video exclusives. Play.com have not promoted the video anywhere on their site, except the page where you buy Diana's album. It is almost as if they belatedly realised what a stupid idea it was to try to compete with Youtube. Anyway, if you want to see it you now have to click this stupid link.

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Lock up your daughters: It's the Jedward video

When Ice Ice Baby came out 20 years ago, thousands of irate Queen fans complained that Vanilla Ice had desecrated the memory of a classic.

Today, music fans across the country are bemoaning John and Edward's debut single, on the grounds that it has spoiled a seminal rap anthem.

And that, readers, is progress.

Jedward - Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)


What an insufferable pair of pointy-haired, uncoordinated, dipshit cunts.

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X Factor, the verdict

Let's just pretend that the last 17 weeks never happened. Then we can all imagine that this performance, the one by JLS and Alexandra Boink, was the real culmination of X Factor 2009 - and pop will be the winner.

JLS and Alexandra - Bad Boys Beat Again or something


Seriously, though. Is there any possibility that Tight Trousers and Mr Teeth can top this in 2010?

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It's Cheryl effing Cole

Against most people's expectations, Cheryl Cole's performance on last night's X Factor was pretty damn good. The vocals seemed to be live - unless she'd done Janet Jackson's trick of pre-recording a rough "as live" vocal and miming over the top - but all in all it was a clean, charismatic debut.

It's clear that the song is going to go to number one this week, which is good as Cheryl has the makings of a proper pop superstar, but bad because it vindicates the decision to launch her career with a bunch of dreary r&b knock-offs.

Speaking of knock-offs, did you spot the following "influences" in Cheryl's act?









Any other insights or observations? Let me know.

Update: ITV have stopped letting Youtube users embedding the video, as is their absolute right as the copyright holders. You can still watch by Clicking here.

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An open letter to Robbie Williams

Dear Elvis,

Next time you appear on The X Factor, could you please refrain from flirting with the audience and jerking around like a drunken ferret pissing on an electricity pylon? Just sing your frickin' song and go home.

Nice shoes, though.

Yours,
The World

:: Video: Robbie Williams - Bodies (live on X Factor)

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An open letter to Alexandra Burke

Dear Aaliyah,

RE: Your X Factor performance. Congratulations on employing every male dancer in the UK during this time of financial upheaval. It is exactly this sort of frivolous expenditure that will get the economy back on its feet (or doing an amazing headspin like that guy in Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo).

However, it would be good if your next single didn't sound quite so much like Sinitta.

Yours,
Sergeant Simon T Whistlebone (Mrs)

:: Video: Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys (live on X Factor)

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...?!#!??...

If it weren't for the X-rated lyrics, this would be a perfect soundtrack to the "winner's montage" on X Factor or American Idol. In many ways, it would still be a great candidate - given the obvious metaphorical implications about X Factor and the music industry. I'm not going to spell it out for you. Just watch.



Not safe for work, clearly.

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Who on earth styled this picture?

We can imagine the photo shoot went something like this:

Okay guys. Here we are. Now, before we turn the wind machine on, we want to talk just a little about the concept, the milieu, the elan of X Factor. After last year, it's a whole new era for the show so we really wanna shake things up a bit. Okay? Yeah? Great! Let's go.

Simon, you're first. We see you as an important, dynamic music mogul with no time to spare. A guy like you would never waste precious seconds tucking his clothes into his trousers. Or ironing them. So try this on - we've pre-crumpled it. And don't worry about the dog hairs - that's all part of the tussled heterosexual bachelor pad look. If you're not sure what to do with your hands, just jam them in your pockets. It'll emphasise your cock. And you're nothing if not a massive cock. Only joking, of course.

Cheryl. Hi Cheryl. Lovely Cheryl. Now, for your wardrobe, we've taken inspiration from Beyoncé. We know the dress LOOKS like something we found in the Blakes 7 store cupboard but I'll have you know we personally hand-stitched it using greaseproof paper and glitter and shoulder pads and LOVE. What's that, darling? It makes your boobs look cartoonishly big? Like Jessica Rabbit after she's been accosted with a bicycle pump? Well, we don't have a problem with that per se - but you can always get them to fix it in Photoshop later if you like. Alright, pet?

Danni, you're going to want to sit down before we show you this... Ta-daaaa!! Isn't it amazing? It's a genuine dust sheet we used to cover the floor when we were building the set vintage toga from the Imperial Roman court of Emperor Augustus! Now, it is very delicate, so please try to make sure that as little of the material as possible touches your skin. Loose, baggy and shapeless is the new spray-on wet-look leopard print leggings.

Last, but not least, our lovely little Irish potato, Louis Walsh. And don't you look cute as a button? Maybe we should let you wear your own clothes this year.

Yes, honey, just like Bono.

In unrelated news, ITV is suffering budgetary problems due to the economic downturn.

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Ed Byrne and Piers Morgan cross swords

This shabby piece of photoshop "magic" serves to illustrate the captivating moment when comedian Ed Byrne had a big fight with talent show judge Piers Morgan on Five Live earlier today. Topics covered include X Factor, Pop Idol and, er, the political system of Dubai.

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Simon Cowell: Cheryl's more popular than me

He's not bitter, honest:



Speaking of the X Factor, thank goodness Alexandra won. It's not like the world was clamouring for another One True Voice, is it?

I particularly liked that she came up with a dance routine for the world's least danceable song, Hallelujah. You can join in at home with this handy guide:

It goes like this...

The fourth


The fifth


The minor fall


The major lift


Hallelujah!

See the whole, tear-soaked lovefest below:

Alexandra Burke - Hallelujah

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