Celebrity cherry picking

Unashamedly stolen from the PJ messageboards, who pilfered it from US Weekly, here's a list of when and how your favourite popstrels lost their virginity.

What's surprising is how many of them waited for "the one", which kinda ruins the illusion of those Hollywood sex parties we'd always imagined.

Ho hum.

Jessica Simpson:
At 22: "Something about our wedding night was so magical! He pulled me out of my dress, and the dress was just standing there on its own because it was a Vera Wang masterpiece."

Justin Timberlake:
"I've been doing this since I was 15...I enjoy it, and I praise it."
("I praise it"??? What kind of person speaks like this? Is he talking about his penis? Sheesh)

Britney Spears:
At 18: "It was 2 years into my relationship with Justin [Timberlake], and I thought he was the one...but I was wrong! I didn't think he was gonna go on Barbara Walters and sell me out."

Jessica Alba:
At 18: "I was told I was nasty or dirty if I was sexual in any way."

Fergie:
At 18: "I've always been a very sexual person, I've always had to hold myself back...I lost my virginity at 18. But that took a lot of willpower."
(In what way did it take a lot of willpower? Did she have to force herself on some reluctant dweeb? Somehow, we don't think so.)

Pharrell Williams:
At 16: "We worked at McDonald's...She was an older lady, 28 or 29."
(Romantic, non?)

Tommy Lee:
At 13: "It was the girl next door--my sister's best friend."

Tara Reid:
At 17: "It was down at my Jersey Shore beach house...on the sand. It was disgusting. Four hundred mosquitoes. I had hives everywhere."

Carmen Electra:
At 16: "It was in Cincinnati in the back seat of a car. It wasn't glamorous...I actually felt bad I didn't wait longer."
(Well, exactly. Five more minutes and she could have done it in the comfort of her own home.)

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Collating the things that people say

So, the MTV awards went ahead in Miami - despite the Hurricane, and people getting shot, and the obvious dearth of decent acts willing to take part. It speaks volumes when the only vaguely interesting picture from the event is of Shakira. (Oh, okay, and this one of Nelly Tomato, but only because we love her).

Frankly, we couldn't be bothered to watch, but here's what the people of the interweb had to say:

Eva Longoria is dressed as a giant cameltoe. Viewers with HDTV are treated to a topographic map of Eva's vulva. (fluxblog)

Alicia Keys, once again, failed to disappoint those expecting her to look like shit. (goldenfiddle)

I'm still convinced that Ciara is a man. (clever titles are so last summer)

Apparently white guys can only be on MTV now if they wear eyeliner. (fluxblog)

For a minute there I was asking myself, "Why, exactly, is P. Diddy famous?" Then they showed the Notorious B.I.G. thing and I remembered: he had a friend once who like, died. We should give the guy a fucking medal. (stereogum)

Kelly Clarkson took a random friend up on stage to accept her award and said, 'Sorry, I don't have an entourage so I decided to bring up my friend Ashley.' I LOVE HER. (popjustice boards)

We wept. More importantly, we turned off the TV and listened to some actual music. (gawker)

Watch the trailer for the new Harry Potter film

Charlotte Church gains our respect for telling the truth about all the other pop stars. Bob Dylan "sounds like a freak", Beyoncé is "so out of tune that it does my head in", and Chris Martin is "a bit wimpy". Only a bit?

Is this wrong?

Cats in sinks

Idiot Toys brings a much-needed sense of perspective to coverage of gadgets and toys. Why would you ever need a chair you can plug your ipod into, anyway?

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Katrina makes waves

You really have got to hand it to MTV - they are a continual asset to the development of pop music.

First of all, they came up with the whole 'cheap videos make great television' concept. Next, they realised that Dire Straits and Sting should be shoved off onto a separate channel for pensioners, and called it VH1. And now, they're planning a massive cull of the world's most useless pop stars!

Because, this weekend, MTV have lured some of the world's most useless pop acts down to Miami and lined them up in front of a Hurricane!

If all goes to plan, by Monday we will no longer have to tolerate the following: P Diddy, Usher, 50 Cent, Coldplay, The Black Eyed Peas, Mariah Carey and Ricky Martin. It is a scheme of the most unspeakable genius and simplicity.

Perhaps we could get them to send Hurricane Katrina over to the MOBOs, too?

MTV awards

Hurricane Katrina heads for Miami

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Legendary Roots Crew

Well, my faith in live music has been restored again after seeing:

A) Goldfrapp's short but super set in the London Oxford Street Virgin Megastore. I couldn't quite work out how a band of four people could make such an earth-shattering racket, until I discovered that reclusive synth genius Will Gregory was hiding off-stage making special noises with his electric playtoys.

Apparently, the signing session got a bit ugly, but I escaped unscathed, and Will even imparted a few words of wisdom to me: "Never throw away an old synth". I'm about to sell one on ebay - does that count?

B) The Roots - last night at Shepherd's Bush Empire. I cannot overestimate how fantastic this gig was. The band played for two-and-a-half hours, and covered every genre I can think of; from classical to reggae, soul to metal, doo-wop to drum'n'bass - all from a hip-hop band.



The guitarist, Kirk Hudson, did things with his instrument that are probably illegal in several countries. And ?uestlove is quite simply one of the best drummers in the world - even when he's opening a bottle of water with one hand!

Not to mention (yes, there is more!) the 15 minute tour of the best breaks and beats in music, where the band segued seamlessly between Afrika Bambaata's "Planet Rock" and Amerie's "One Thing" via "Push It", "Crazy In Love" and NORE's "Nothin'".

?uestlove has a DJ set at the Jazz Café on Friday and Saturday. It's hardly the full Roots experience, but I'd check it out if I were you.

The Roots: Official website

The Roots forum

Jazz Café: ?uestlove DJ sets on Friday and Saturday

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Snakes On A Plane!

This surely has to be the single greatest movie-concept (and title) of all time. You can just imagine the pitch:

Sweaty Hollywood Exec:
So, kid, what's your idea?
Emaciated Screenwriter:
Dude - there are snakes. On a plane.
Sweaty Hollywood Exec:
Have one-hundred million dollars.

But it gets better. There aren't just snakes on the plane - Samuel L. Jackson is there, too. So, at some point, he is bound to say; "Take that, you slithery motherfuckers."

Ain't Hollywood swell?

Defamer: Snakes On A Plane!

Seriously, snakes on a plane

Photos!

(Hey, we've just realised that the acronym for "Snakes On A Plane" is SOAP. If any tinseltown marketing gurus are reading this, you can use that free of charge.)

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What we learnt from a morning watching Music TV

1) Craig David's beard is a metaphor for his music: Stylish, but overgroomed and boring.

2) Pussycat Dolls (pictured) look like they've come off the cover of Maxim, and their song has a killer hook: "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?". Problem is, no self-respecting teenage girl will touch it, teenage boys won't be able to pick it off the shelves without going beetroot red, and 35-year-old pervs aren't a big single-buying demographic...

3) Kanye West has lost the plot. Gone are the socially concious diatribes, only to be replaced with boasts his money. And his cars. And his jewellery. And his fantastic sexual prowess. What a waste.

4) For someone who is ugly on a fundamental level, Gwen Stefani certainly scrubs up well in her videos.

5) McFly really need to be put out of their misery.

More reports from the frontline of music journalism later.

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