Christina's video tribute to Express Yourself

We have had a full calendar month to get used to the new Christina Aguilera single, readers, and it hasn't got any better. If anything it's deteriorated, like a scrap of food that's got stuck under the sofa and gone so mouldy you can't be sure what it used to be. I mean, it was probably just a crisp - but if that's the case why does it smell so strongly of mackerel?

Anyway, Christina has just unveiled the video for said single, Not Myself Tonight. There is a huge (ie pointless) debate raging about whether she is trying to copy Lady Gaga, but if you ask me the whole enterprise is a 15-rated tribute to Madonna's Express Yourself video. Let's have a look at the evidence:


Blonde woman sees something shocking through her monocle


Woman in catsuit drinks milk from a bowl, like a cat


Bare-chested men dance in the rain, observed from an elevated viewpoint


Rumpo! Full-on, uncensored Rumpo! (with rude bits covered up)


Inadequately dressed woman removes coat to reveal her BRA!


"Oh no, I have spilt this saucer of liquid all over my shoulder. Clumsy me".

As you can no doubt tell from the screenshots, the Madonna version wins on such factors as lighting, shot composition, artistry, class, iconoclasm and sex appeal. In Christina's favour... erm... er... the picture is sharper??

Embedding for both videos is disabled "by request". So watch the Christina one on the other side of this link and the Madonna one over here.

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Megapost: The last two weeks in a nutshell

Honestly, I turn my back for two seconds and Scouting For Girls go to number one. You lot just can't be trusted by yourselves. Tsk tsk.

Ah well, here's some other musinews and "interesting" links from the last two weeks of blissful inactivity.

:: Thank God for Kelis. Her new single (which actually premiered last November) is a Giorgio Moroder-inspired stone cold classic. It's called a capella, and the video is a triumph. Full marks all round.

Kelis - A Capella


:: Christina Aguilera's new single is called Not Myself Tonight. It's weaker than your nan's tea. (Brightcove)

:: Direct from the 1998 newsroom, reports filter through that Ricky Martin is totally gay for men. (BBC)

:: A novelist reveals the secrets of 24's writing room. Surprisingly, it's not just 12 blokes going "and then Jack punches a guy in the face WITH A HAMMER and everything explodes". But it's close. (New York Times)

:: The Noisettes have done a literally quite good cover version of The Buzzcocks' Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t've) for a Doc Marten anniversary campaign. For some reason, the word "slinky" comes to mind here.

Noisettes - Ever Fallen In Love


:: An insightful, balanced, non-hysterical profile of Lady Gaga of Hitsville. A rare and beautiful thing. (New York Magazine)

:: Another new A-Team trailer was unleashed, featuring gold standard dialogue such as: "I'm B.A. You're going to B.Unconcious" Really? Really?! (Apple)

:: Grammy-nominated R&B artist Janelle Monae has been hovering around on the edges of massive success for a couple of years now. I'd always avoided listening to her because I mistakenly believed she was palefaced West Wing star Janel Maloney (Donna) attempting a godawful music career. Turns out she isn't anything of the sort and her first "proper" single, Tightrope, is good for your ears.

Janelle Monae - Tightrope


:: My interviews with pop warbler Diana Vickers and sensitive troubador Joshua Radin went up on the BBC site while I was away. One was read by 50,000 people, the other by 2,300. Can you guess which was which?

:: Keane have done a song with the teriffic Somalian rap'n'b star K'Naan. The two acts have nothing in common except alphabetical proximity, and the song is… well, put it this way, neither of them looks comfortable in the video. (YouTube)

:: People are still remixing Marina And The Diamonds' I Am Not A Robot and the remixes continue to be brilliant. Expect to hear a lot more, too, because the single's being re-released, properly this time, on 26th April. (Arjan Writes)

:: Mini Viva continued their slow transformation into Mel and Kim (When they were both alive, obviously. Don't be sick.)

Mini Viva - Candy


:: The difference between real 3D (ie Avatar) and cheap 3D (ie everything else) is not being made apparent to cinemagoers forking out £5 extra for their ticket. (The Hollywood Reporter)

:: Popjustice alerts us to the existence of a mysterious new pop duo called Royal Palms, who proclaim "Yacht Rock is back". They have potential. (Popjustice

:: The perils of adapting non-fiction books for the movies (The Washington Post)

:: Break out the keytars! It's only bloody Goldfrapp doing their "massive hit single" Rocket on the telly.

Goldfrapp - Rocket

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Ladies' chart battle - and more!

Sorry the blog's been a bit underpopulated for the last couple of days - I've been poorly sick. But here's a few things you might have missed (or seen elsewhere while I was away, natch).



:: Is this the biggest battle of the pop divas in the history of the cosmos?

Big guns Britney, Beyoncé, Christina Aguilera and Alesha Dixon (and Leona Lewis) all have singles out this week, while Girls Aloud have squeezed out their fifth studio album. Chart-wise, it looks like X Factor's not-quite-as-awful-as-you'd-expect version of Hero will be number one again, with Girls Aloud's The Promise at two and Beyonce's gramatically-incorrect If I Were A Boy at three. Meanwhile, Out Of Control looks set to beat Razorlight to the top of the album charts, giving Girls Aloud their first ever non-compilation number one. Amazing. [More on the midweeks at Music Week]

:: Jamelia has a comeback single, Break It Down, Tear It Up. It's miles better than the confused mess of her last album - but is it good enough to put her back where she belongs (somewhere between The Saturdays and McFly on the bill for T4 on the Beach)? The jury is out. [listen / download]

:: Another track from the Killer's new album, Day & Night, has leaked. No surprises here: Too many synths, Brandon Flowers not very good at singing, the track itself = brilliant.

The Killers - Spaceman


:: It's like a blogger's wet dream - M.I.A. covers the theme tune to The Wire. Sadly, it's rubbish. [Youtube (youtube)]

:: Is this a new Justin Timberlake single? Hmmm... it sounds a bit like a FutureSex/LoveSounds cast-off to me.

:: The NME has published its annual "cool list" - with entries for Jay-Z, Liam Gallagher, Amy Winehouse and, er, Peter Gabriel. The number one slot, as is customary, goes to someone the NME is trying to justify having put on their front page in April, despite the fact they've made absolutely no impact on anyone, anywhere in the intervening six months. This year, it's Alice Glass from Crystal Castles (they're like the Human League with all the tunes taken out). As Stereogum points out, the NME have once again confused "cool" with "notorious". [Stereogum]

:: A Kiss Is Not A Contract - but a baby is a life sentence (in a good way, obviously). Flight Of The Conchords star Jemaine Clement is a dad. Congratulations. [3 News, New Zealand]

:: Lukewarm S Club 7 reunion is lukewarm. [Popjustice]

:: Oh yes, and there was a completely historic, paradigm-shifting, momentous election in the US. Barack Obama is President elect (Yay!!!) and Will.i.am has written a song about it (woop!). And so has Nas (respect) and so has Seal (er, hooray?!)

Back to business as usual from tomorrow...

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Look at Christina Aguilera's new video

When we look back at the first decade of the 21st Century, history (and by history, I mean journalists) will record that Amy Winehouse spearheaded the whole "sounding a bit like your song was recorded in the 1960s at a not-quite-Motown recording studio" craze.

This must make Christina Aguilera mad. The platinum blonde pop princess was about six months ahead of the pack with Back To Basics. She even put in a bit off effort to update the retro sound with a bit of modern glamour, rather than relying on mere pastiche á la Winehouse. What's more, she had Mark Ronson producing bits of it, and managed to stop him putting bloody horns all over the top like some kind of freakish brass fetishist.

Where Aguilera fell down, however, was that she released a double "concept" album, confusing punters who would have preferred a single disc with 10 good tracks, and less of Aguilera pretending to be Vera Lynn's slutty grand-daughter.

So, tail between her legs, the starlet has ditched the whole '60s vibe and reverted to sounding like Britney with a good singing voice for her new single, Keeps Getting Better. It trails a greatest hits album on which, for some reason, Aguilera has re-recorded the vocals to Beautiful.

All of which is a shame because, unlike most of Mickey Mouse Club graduates, Aguilera always seemed to be the one with an artistic "bent" and a clear idea of what she wanted to do... Post-Back To Basics, it seems she's trying to recapture her former glories. And that never works.

Keeps Gettin' Better (Official Video)

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Great pop cutbacks

The Onion's AV Club have just published a splendid article running through 21 average albums that would make great EPs. Among their choices are REM's New Adventures In Hi-Fi, The Verve's Urban Hymns and Kanye West's Graduation.

It's a great read... but saldy lacking in pop records. And, as we all know, pop records generally need a good bit of pruning before they make it over to your iPod.

So, here are some of my additions to the Onion's list. Feel free to add your own using the comments thingummy. It'd make my day.

Christina Aguilera - Back To Basics (2006)


In which Aguilera pays tribute to the jazz singers who inspired her by, erm, dressing up like them and singing exactly the same songs she always sings. The public duly ignored it, aghast at the thought of Aguilera screeching and wailing over the course of two entire discs. But, pared down to a more manageable size, this is a corking little album. The big band flourishes and jazz inflections actually serve to highlight Aguilera's vocal technique (it's not just shouting, after all) and the Mark Ronson track, Without You, is among the best things she's recorded.

EP Version: 1) Back In The Day 2) Ain't No Other Man 3) Candyman 4) Without You 5) Slow Down Baby 6) Save Me From Myself


Madonna - Erotica (1992)


Having hit a career high with Vogue in 1990, Madonna dragged that song's co-writer Shep Pettibone into the studio for an entire album. One of the most prolific and talented remixers of the time, Pettibone struggled when it came to writing actual songs. Tracks like Thief of Hearts and Why's It So Hard are little more than drumbeats, and Madonna - never the world's most profound lyricist - is particularly woeful here "Friends they tried to warn me about you / He has good manners," she declares bafflingly during Words. On Deeper and Deeper, Madonna and Pettibone even acknowledge their lack of ambition by slapping the chorus of Vogue over the coda. The good tracks, unusually for a Madonna album, are the ballads.

EP Version: 1) Erotica 2) Deeper and Deeper (a decent song despite itself) 3) Bad Girl 4) Rain


Radiohead - Kid A / Amnesiac (2000)


Amnesiac already appears on The Onion's list, but I reckon you need to combine both records to create a decent EP. The two albums actually derived from the same recording session - so the songs cohere perfectly. Amnesiac has the best tunes in Knives Out (pretty) and Pyramid Song (claustrophobic). Kid A provides the experimentalism and menace… Plus, in scrapping Life In A Glass House, we can pretend Radiohead never "experimented with jazz".

EP Version: 1) Everything In Its Right Place 2) Knives Out 3) Pyramid Song 4) Morning Bell (Kid A version) 5) You And Whose Army 6) Optimistic 7) Motion Picture Soundtrack


U2 - Zooropa (1993)


This is a bit unfair, as Zooropa was originally intended to be an EP accompanying the band's Zoo TV tour. Instead, in a flurry of activity partially prompted by the dissolution of Edge's marriage, the group turned in a full 10 tracks. Predictably, given the circumstances, they're not all of the highest standard. Stand-outs include the title track - a montage of three different songs that perfectly captures the chaos of the recording sessions - and Stay, Farway So Close, which is perhaps U2's most under-rated ballad. Future Batman single Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me was also started during the recording sessions, so I'm reclaiming it here for my six-track EP.

EP Version: 1) Zooropa 2) Numb 3) Lemon 4) Stay (Faraway, So Close) 5) Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me 6) The Wanderer


Prince - Symbol (1992)


Apparently conceived as a rock soap opera, this album (the sequel to Diamonds and Pearls) has a plot more confused than Terry Gilliam's Brazil. The music, too, lacks focus - as Prince tries to marry his new-found love of 70s funk with the rap stylings of his then-band, the NPG. Sexy MF, for example, wouldn't sound out of place on a James Brown album until it is spectaculraly derailed by Tony M's agressively misogynistic rap. Luckily, there is an edited version that jettisons this atrocious interruption which we can purloin for the purposes of our EP. In addition, several "classic" Prince tracks survived the NPG's onslaught, with The Morning Papers in particular recalling the glory days of Purple Rain's pop/rock crossover.

EP Version: 1) Sexy MF - edit 2) Love 2 The 9s 3) The Morning Papers 4) 7 5) 3 Chains O' Gold


The Beatles - White Album (1968)


A certain breed of Beatles fan thinks this double album ranks as the fab four's best work. They are so wrong it hurts like a spike in your ear. More than half the record is self-indulgent, druggy bollocks. The other half is frequently unfocused - presumably the casualty of the discordant atmosphere in the recording studio. Indeed, many of the better songs were essentially recorded in isolation - with McCartney playing drums on Back In The USSR and Harrison performing While My Guitar Gently Weeps with Eric Clapton after several Beatley attempts at the song proved unsatisfactory. You could probably get a decent single album out of the 30 tracks, but I prefer a more brisk stroll through this musical wasteland… and I'm subsituting the single version of Revolution for Lennon's throwing-the-toys-out-of-the-pram album mix.

EP Version: 1) Back In The USSR 2) Helter Skelter 3) Dear Prudence 4) Revolution 5) While My Guitar Gently Weeps 6) Happiness Is A Warm Gun 7) Blackbird

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Surprisingly good Christina Aguilera video

I do not like Christina Aguilera's Back To Basics album (stop shouting, woman, we can all hear you perfectly well). But the Candyman song is acceptable and the video is superb.



Yes, that really is her playing all three of the Beverly Sisters. Top class.

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Precious little dears

Take a good, careful look at the following:


Yes, those cute kids are Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake performing in one lame-ass sketch on the Mickey Mouse Club.

Watching it, you have to wonder what went on in the Magic Kingdom to turn these wholesome teeny tots into the deviant sex pests they have become.

And then it gets to the scene about the "oral report", and everything suddenly becomes clear.

Originally posted on Dlisted

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Pop Wars 1999: The winner!

Back in 1999, when Pokémon were all the rage and people still thought Robbie Williams was quite good, there was a MAJOR POP SHOWDOWN that rocked the very foundations of the industry. Except, unlike the Blur/Oasis Britpop battle (the last time that music really mattered^TM - Q Magazine) no-one really noticed.

So, who were these musical behemoths poised to bring down pop music?

Why, they were pint-sized pop strumpets Britney Spears and Christina 'Xtina' Aguilera.

The reason that no-one really gave this much thought was that, at the time, Britney clearly had the upper hand. Baby One More Time was one of the best songs ever written, what with its insistent piano hook and Britney's unique phrasing on the opening line Oh Bayeb-uh bayeb-uh. It also had a pervy video.

But, argued musicologists, Christina had a better voice. Psfft, we said, what use is that when you don't have the tunes, man?

Well, seven years later the dust has settled. Which strumpet did win? Let me explain with this handy comparison:


So Christina is the overall victor - and her new single really is brilliant. Its called Ain't No Other Man and sounds like a 1920's jazz number sung by Aretha Franklin then filtered through an old skool hip-hop ghettoblaster.

And, like a lovely present from the lord, it has leaked onto the internet so you can illegally download it learn to love it before it hits the shops, when you will buy it and make it a number one single.

You will find it on this fansite (but beware, it's full of horrible pop-up adverts). Failing that, try Rock Candy

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Gossipy round-up-kerjiggery-thing

Some little newsbites for your "have you seen this" conversations in the workplace.

1) Which celebrity is most likely to punch you in the teeth if you ask for their autograph? According to Autograph Magazine it's Cameron Diaz. Apparently the actress not only turns down requests, but lectures fans on "how dumb" autographs are. They don't mention what happens if the fan says "well, at least show me your tits, then".

Other people you shouldn't approach if you value your testicles are Teri Hatcher (who really should know better after her wilderness years) and Demi Moore.

Do people still recognise Demi Moore? I'm not sure I would even if she walked up to me holding an "I'm Demi Moore" placard during a trip to Demi Moore's house on the day I was supposed to interview Demi Moore for the Demi Moore fanclub.

The nicest celebrity is Johnny Depp, who has been known to sign autographs in airports while carrying his luggage. Awwww.
[read more at Yahoo News]

2) Pete Doherty, who is apparently still alive at the moment, has squirted a syringe of his own blood over an MTV camera crew. Even his bandmates feel he's gone too far this time. "I think the interview is over my friend. I’m really sorry about that mate, that’s fucked up." Drew McConnell apologised to the cameraman.

Remember when Richie Manic carved "4 Real" into his arm with a razor in front of an appalled Steve Lamaq? This is like that, except instead of being a cry for help Doherty thinks he's done something to show off about. "That was a wicked shot." he informed the appalled crew.

Perhaps, though, Pete is trying to give us a message in the form of a metaphor. In this scenario, he is literally throwing his life away for the benefit of the cameras. But, more likely, he was up to his eyeballs in skag.
[read more at No Rock and Roll Fun]

3) Sabrina the teenage witch has had a baby! Not as weird as it might seem at first - Melissa Joan Hart is now 56.
[pictures at Celebrity Smack]

4) Christina Aguilera is back, back, BACK!!! Apparently, her new album is based on vintage jazz, soul and blues from the 1920s, 30s and 40s (i.e. it will flop).

Aguilera will premiere the new single at next month's MTV awards, but in the meantime she's launching the campaign in traditional popstrel fashion, by getting her kit off for a upmarket wank mag new edition of GQ.
[more info on the album at Live Daily]
[pictures at Perez Hilton]

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