Don't brother mentioning it

Just like last year, I've managed to avoid mentioning Big Brother on the blog right until the last week of the series... But, once again, I just can't help myself.

For those of you unfamiliar with the format (where have you been?!), Channel 4 crams around sixteen thousand cretins into a house for the summer and pokes them with sticks until they cry. It is, therefore, the best television programme ever.

This is the final week, and there are six people left in the house who haven't yet started twitching and barking like dogs (alright, five people and Pete). They are:

Richard: The self-proclaimed "sexual terrorist" from Canada. Richard has never quite established what a sexual terrorist might be, other than something to say at a Big Brother audition. However, he does appear to be wearing a burkha on his right hand every eviction night so maybe that's got something to do with it.

While, at first, he seemed quite sensible it has now become clear that Richard says everything in a needlessly cunty way.

Pete: Pete is favourite to win because of his winning personality. Oh, and the fact he has tourette syndrome. Isn't it hilarious/endearing/exploitative how he says 'wankers' all the time?

On last night's show, Pete said he'd had a vision where his friend came down from heaven and told him he was going to win Big Brother. Therefore if he doesn't win, Pete surmised, he'll have to stop believing in heaven. So there you have it, vote for Pete or the baby Jesus will die.

Nikki: A monstrous collection of hormones and snot, Nikki is the most spoiled human being ever born. She looks and sounds like a Tasmanian devil crossed with Vanessa Feltz, but with even more narcissism.

Nikki's 'hilarious' tantrums are the product of being over-indulged at every stage of her life and when someone finally says "no" to her, she is likely to work herself into such a spin that she'll drill a hole into the earth's crust. Where, no doubt, she'll compain because it is too hot and they're not giving her bottled water.

Glynn: The general concensus is that Glynn, 18, has gone on a 'personal journey' during his time in the house. This is because (1) he learned to cook an egg, (2) he felt a lady's bosom, and (3) he had a posh wank in the shower. Personally, I reckon Glynn is developmentally challenged.

Jennie: I honestly can't remember who Jennie is or what she does.

Aisleyne: Aisleyne entered the Big Brother house as a disagreeably confrontational "ghetto princess", threating to fuck people up and dash'em round the face with water.

She has a distressingly poor taste in clothes. The garment she wears in the show's publicity photo (right) appears to have been created when a bridal veil factory exploded over her. Does she really want us to see her pants so clearly? And what are those unnatural spheroids where her breasts should be? It looks like they're trying to get away from each other.

However, in contrast to Glynn, Aisleyne seems to have really changed during her time in the house. She's even told Big Brother her belligerent attitude of old (which she put down to having lived rough for several months in London) was unattractive and unnecessary.

Telly website lowculture.co.uk has started a campaign to get Aisleyne to win. Chief amongst their reasons is that she once sang Neneh Cherry's Buffalo Stance in the garden - and knew all the words.

Based on that piece of evidence alone, Aisleyne has stolen my heart. What's more, she does a good pratfall:



Unfortunately, however, Aisleyne can never win because the people who text in their votes to Big Brother aren't literate enough to spell her name right.

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