ANTM

We've been watching the ever-excellent America's Next Top Model for the last couple of weeks on Living TV. However, a couple of things are bothering us:

Firstly, How big is Tyra Banks' hair-weave? She must have the hair of four normal women tied to her scalp. You may have noticed that she can no longer turn her head because of the crushing weight.

If no-one does anything to tackle it, Tyra might turn into Cousin It by the time we reach series 5.

Secondly, we may have missed the point of what models do - but why are so many of the contestants frighteningly ugly? Particularly Michelle, who is clearly a man.

Third: Living Frankenstein Janice Dickinson shouldn't really be allowed out in public. Unless, of course, they can find her a position in a touring carnival of freaks. She'd be perfect locked up in a cage, snarling insults at passers by while performing ad-hoc plastic surgery by sticking scraps of raw meat to her face. Still, she does have the best driving licence photo ever

Finally, and most important of all - is Tyra Banks suffering from some kind of personality disorder? She spends half of every episode counseling these hapless photoshoot wannabes, building their confidence up to the point where they're just about able to avoid bursting into tears every time someone points a camera at them. Then, fifteen minutes later, she makes sends one of them home - telling them they're "not model material" and "incapable of taking a good photo". Passive / Aggressive doesn't even begin to describe it.

We're sorry for not bringing this all to your attention earlier, as this series clearly peaked with last week's exchange between the judges, while discussing Brittany (pictured):

Tyra: Janice, you just like Brittany her because she looks like your little sister. You can see yourself in her.
Nolé: Janice, with your first face, maybe
Janice: Don't get me going - short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy
Nolé: Don't worry, my plastic surgery victim freak of nature.

You will not find dialogue of this quality on X Factor (or Eastenders, for that matter).

Anyway, if you do watch the programme, you'll appreciate this Saturday Night Live parody, with Tina "Mean Girls" Fey as Miss Tyra, and Lindsay "Also in Mean Girls" Lohan as one of the models.

If you've never seen the programme - catch up tonight on Living TV.

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