What we learnt from a morning watching (Indian) Music Television

Just got back from three days in New Delhi. It was a work trip, so there wasn't really any chance to experience India except through the medium of restaurants and TV studios - both of which were excellent. Although we were a bit shocked when the satellite truck we'd hired for outside broadcasts turned out to be a farm vehicle with a satellite dish on the back of it!

However, in the name of cultural sensitivity, we spent some time in the hotel room watching Indian Music Television. Here's what we discovered:

By law, a man called Amitabh Bachchan must appear in every other film and music video made in India.

As you can see, Amitabh is a shocking portrait of mid-life crisis made flesh. Aged 63, he sports a 'wet-look' leather jacket, aviator shades, and greying designer stubble. In his videos, he is surrounded by young ladies who gyrate near him, but not too near him.

Imagine Robbie Williams turning up for your 13-year-old daughter's birthday party. That's the kind of feeling Amitabh gives you.

Amitabh currently has a big hit with the title song to Bollywood musical "Bunty aur Babli". Hilariously, it is a rap. In English. By someone old enough to be your grandad.

Are u ready, sit down,
Let me da tell you a lil story,
'bout 2 cool cats,
yeah, bunty aur babli,
comin in' at an angle,
that they better than the rest,
when ya looking in their hearts,
them a da pass the test.

You can hear excerpts of this work of genius on MTV India. It appears to be embedded in the page so it will play as soon as you click on the link. Turn the speakers down in the office if you want to retain your dignity.

Actually, almost every song we heard in India tried to incorporate some English lyrics, even if the composer had no relevant experience of speaking the language. The safest bet in this instance seems to involve lifting phrases from Western hits wholesale, even if you're not really sure what the words mean in the first place.

For example, the best song we heard features the following couplet:

Wop bap a loo-bop a wop bam boo
Got a tutti frutti. It's so rooty. Aaaaah!

That comes from "Gori Gori Gori Gori" which originates from the wedding scene in another Bollywood musical, Main Hoon Na. It is possible that all Bollywood films consist of one long wedding scene, but we haven't been able to confirm that.

You can hear "Gori, Gori, Gori, Gori" on this page. But, frankly, its not as good without the video.

Indian Music television features no Dido or 50 Cent, and is therefore 500% better than any music TV station in the UK.

But we did like the new Girls Aloud video we saw on MTV Dance this morning.

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