I can't dance to that music you're playing

A friend of mine used to work in a petrol station where, as some sort of inhumane experiment, the managers insisted that the local radio station (the inappropriately-named Cool FM) be played at all times. This poor sod would frequently come home from an eight-hour shift of Whitney Houston, hopeless puns and petrol fumes with the most unbelievable migraine. As well as a bizarre appreciation for the early works of Billy Joel.

When this sort of environmental terrorism is perpetrated by management, you can't really argue. But USAToday reports that more and more people are using their ipod at work. And not just with headphones. The bastards are using speakers to 'treat' their co-workers to the shuffled contents of their music library.

Obviously, this wouldn't be a problem in my office, where my superlative taste in music is a well-established fact. But what if you worked with Sam Glazer? He told the paper: "I love music, and it's motivating to me, especially if it's a power song like Eye of the Tiger."

Holy mother of fuck! How have his colleagues not yet murdered him with spiky poles? Nobody should be subjected to Eye of the Tiger. Not in the workplace. Not in Guantanamo. Not ever.

Later in the article, a health and safety officer warns that using an ipod could stop workers "hearing warnings shouted by co-workers."

Exactly. Such warnings may include "Sam, you cretin, if you don't turn off your ipod I will set fire to you right now", or "I am running towards you with a pair of scissors, you lame-music-liking son of a whore."

To be fair, there have been studies suggesting that certain types of music stimulate creativity and motivation in the workplace. But, as anyone who's worked in hospital radio will tell you, it's an extremelly bad idea to let the people around you choose that music. So please, people, stick to headphones from now on.

And what became of my friend in the garage? Well, after a particularly harrowing Beautiful South 'marathon' on the local radio station, he finally lost his nerve. Loading up one of his own CDs into the company soundsystem, he treated the forecourt to an all-evening loop of Snoop Doggy Dogg's For All My Niggaz & Bitches. Needless to say, he never darkened the automatic doors again.

USA Today

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My ipod sounds nice

We all have a friend who says things like, "of course, ipods sound terrible because of the way they digitise the audio. If you have a serious sound system, like I do, you can really hear how thin and tinny they sound. I only listen to vinyl and eight-track cassettes."

Now, you can prove them wrong using this article by an audio engineer, instead of punching them repeatedly in the teeth.

WARNING: This may only be of interest to me and other people who, although they don't own an actual anorak, secretly think that an anorak might be a practical alternative to a jacket when it's raining.

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Bob Dylan again?

Q: Why, when I set my ipod to 'shuffle', do the songs not play at random? I seem to hear the same artists over and over again.
A: It's because the songs are playing at random.

Damn you maths! You have foiled me again.

It's all explained at Wired News.

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Fillitup, turnitloose

The average ipod owner only has 375 songs on their MP3 player, according to The New York Times. Indeed, 50% of people who own an MP3 player have fewer than 100 songs loaded onto it. Which seems a massive waste: why bother spending all that money when you could just carry a couple of CDs around with you?

Anyway, we thought we should help out here. If you need new music to spice up your shuffle, or to max out your mini, here are a few ideas:

Franz Ferdinand - "Eleanor Put Your Boots On"
One of a few pre-release album tracks from Franz's new LP, over at Dreams of Horses.

Nellie McKay - "If I Needed Someone"
A Beatles cover to keep us amused while we wait for Nellie's delayed second album. Available via something called The smudge of ashen fluff.

Jon Pertwee - "I Am The Doctor"
Just Plain Odd... Most people are aware of Captain Kirk's mauling of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", but it takes a British sci-fi hero to make a truly weird record. Over a soft-funk version of the Doctor Who theme, Jon Pertwee (Doctor number three) delivers a rap that appears to be the test run for Vincent Price's effort on "Thriller". Available for download at Jamies Runout Groove. Caution: May frighten young children.

James Knight & The Butlers - "Funky Cat"
'Just like catnip', says the man and he's got a point. There are three reasons to download this song: The sample-tastic drum solo, the earsplitting crescendo of the saxophonist's solo, and the moment where the vocalist is so satisfied with his band he purrs. "Funky cat, cat, cat, cat", indeed. Get it on Aurgasm.

Sugababes - "Push The Button"
Super bouncy pop, even though it sounds like Tina Turner's "The Best" in a car crash with "Last Christmas". Plus, we're currently obsessing over Mutya's hotpants in the video. The song is available on Fluxblog.

Kate Bush -
"The Man With The Child In Her Eyes"
Because everyone needs a bit of Bush. Go to: Bubblegum Machine.

Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings - "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"
Listening to this, you'd think that Janet Jackson's 1986 hit was a cover version of a James Brown-era funk workout. Not so: this is the cover version, and its vintage groove dates from... well, 2002 actually. Click here to download.

warchildmusic.com
And after you've treated yourself to all those freebies, go and spend £10 on the new warchild album, "Help: A Day In The Life". There are 24 tracks - including new songs by Radiohead, Coldplay, Gorillaz and Razorlight. Most of it's great - but we'd skip Kaiser Chiefs doing "Heard It Through The Grapevine" if we were you. Spend your money here!

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My ipod is depressed

I don't know what to do about this, but my ipod is depressed.

I've been trying to pack the little white box full of happy, upbeat songs. But when I turn on 'shuffle', it keeps tracking down the world's most melancholy records.

Last night, it came up with the following miscellany of misery:


Gary Jules - Mad World
Death Cab For Cutie - A Lack Of Colour
Radiohead - No Surprises
Janet Jackson - Lonely
Beatles - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
Massive Attack - Protection
REM - It's The End Of The World As We Know it

To finish it all off, it played Dire Strait's Romeo and Juliet. I hate Dire Straits, and that song in particular. I can only assume the ipod has become suicidal and, in an attempt to make me break it into tiny i-pieces, the machine has somehow loaded the song of its own accord!

Then I remembered this article suggesting that ipods can make you have musical hallucinations.

Oh My God! Am I even hearing these songs for real? Am I imaginging them because, subconciously, I'm depressed on some level? Or, more worryingly, are Apple using their special electronic trickery to take control of my mind?

Luckily, before I became too paranoid, the ipod woke me up this morning with Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back". I do like big butts, and I cannot lie. The world has been restored to it's natural order.

I think.

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It's getting silly now

Good grief! The latest in a long line of useless ipod accessories is an idog.

Apparently, you plug your ipod into its leg and the sound comes out through a speaker. Then the LEDs on its face light up to 'express emotion'. Just like a real dog, then.

Just avoid songs like "Play Dead", "Roll Over Beethoven", and the soundtrack to "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"

OnRobo: idog

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ipod envy

An antidote to all the media hyperbole over the new ipod.

The Apple Store Of The Future

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No more CDs

Looks like my New Year's Resolution will have to be not to buy any more CDs (unless they're absolutely essential, of course). The reason: Toshiba have just announced an 80GB version of the hard drive used in ipods... for next Autumn. Considering that my 30GB 'discopod' is about 250 songs away from being full, I'll have to make sure I don't impulse-buy that Erasure box set in the January sales.

Toshiba unveils 80GB 'iPod drive'

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