The discopop directory totally unbiased top ten singles of 2005

Well, we promised it, so here it is! Our top ten singles are free from any editorial bias or attempts to seem 'cool'. They are based solely on our itunes play-count, which cannot lie. So without any further ado...

1) 1 Thing - Amerie
Key lyric: "You did this one thing and I was so with it"

But the question remains: What was that one thing that Amerie's man did to get her 'tripping'? We don't know for sure, but we think he's cooked her a Shepherd's pie.

Anyway, this song sits deservedly atop our list. Proof that, if you have a magnificent sample, you can't go wrong by looping it for four minutes and getting some woman in hotpants to scream over the top of it.


2) Biology - Girls Aloud
Key lyric: "The way that we walk. The way that we talk"

On the other hand, if you have five fantastic choruses you should stitch them all together in a ProTools orgy and let them fight it out to see who's best.

As is the Girls Aloud tradition, this is an unbelievably brave single for a band who should be producing production-line pop. The main hook doesn't arrive until after the 2 minute mark, and it manages to squeeze four distinct musical genres into its tiny Top Shop boob-tube. True, it's not Xenomania's best work, but it is the highlight of the third Girls Aloud album without a shadow of a doubt.

3) Ooh La La - Goldfrapp
Key lyric: "Switch me on. Turn me up."

A.K.A. The one that made everyone go: "Oh, Goldfrapp? They're quite good, really".

Like the band's previous single, Strict Machine, we have the vague idea this could be about a vibrator. Or a transistor radio. It's so easy to get those two mixed up.

4) Number 1 - Goldfrapp
Key lyric: "I'm like a dog to get you"

If this hadn't come out a couple of weeks after Ooh La La, we suspect the final positions of these two songs would have been reversed. Nevertheless, this is a fantastically moody synth ballad, with even more pervy lyrics. Alison wants it 'up and on', apparently.

5) Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz
Key lyric: "Watch me as I navigate, a-ha ha ha haaaa"

Although it's embarrassing to listen to Damon Albarn's attempt to rap at the beginning of this track (he actually uses the word 'wack'), De La Soul soon take command and rip the song to shreds. But in a good way.

This single has been recognised by the national institute of old-people's metaphors as "a real foot tapper". Oh, and apparently the band are all cartoons. How post-modern.

6) Every Day I Love You Less And Less - Kaiser Chiefs
Key lyric: "I can't believe once you and me did sex"

Did you know that, by law, all Kaiser Chiefs songs have a bit where they go "woahhhhh" just before the last chorus? This one is no exception, which only goes to show how canny Kaiser Chiefs are: Building up to a crescendo is a lost art in pop, and they are one of the few bands who've got the musical nous to realise the importance of a big climax (missus). Aside from that, listen carefully to the drumming in this track - there's a lot of very clever hi-hat work going on there, which punctuates the jerking guitar lines. Top marks from the Royal Academy of Music.

7) Cool - Gwen Stefani
Key lyric: "Circles and triangles, and now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend"

I literally have no idea why this is in the top ten. Is that lyric a playstation reference?

She's up the duff now, apparently.

8) My Heartbeat - Annie
Key lyric: "Feel my heartbeat drumming to the beat like a symphony"

Annie's genius is making sugary strands of pop confectionery that are just the right side of sickly sweet. This song's paper-thin melody would be vomitous in the hands of Britney or Kylie. Annie, however, locks it to a thumping drum loop that transforms the song into a wondrous dancefloor stomper. But only if you live in Europe. Apparently the UK would rather listen to McFly. Fuckers.


9) I Need Some Fine Wine and You, You Need To Be Nicer - The Cardigans
Key lyric: "Baby you're foul in clear conditions, but you're handsome in the fog"

Why is it that Swedes can write better English lyrics than any British pop band? Quite aside from the fantastic title, this song has a proper narrative about a relationship killed by drinking and indifference. It also has a metaphor about dogs.

Forget Dido and James Blunt (and believe us we will... as soon as radio stops playing that fucking song every ten minutes), this is proper mature pop from some of the most interesting and creative musicians in the business.

10) Do You Want To? - Franz Ferdinand
Key lyric: "Doo doo, doo da-doo da-doo do"

Another one of those songs that's either too inventive for it's own good, or three different ideas badly stuck together with a tempo change and some reverb. Never mind because, either way, this is utterly superb spiky guitar pop.

Franz Ferdinand are grittier and tighter than they were this time last year, but they can still toss in an homage to Kylie and a naughty blow-job reference. Thank heavens for that.


So that's our top ten singles of 2005. The top ten albums will be published next week... just in case Santa delivers any real stonkers on Christmas Day.

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Save money now

Here's a nifty way to save money: a search engine that looks for mistakes on eBay listings.

It's fairly obvious that a pair of pants listed, by accident, in the antiques section will be seen by fewer people and therefore attract lower bids (unless they're really unique, frilly Victorian pants previously owned by David 'cheap as fucking chips' Dickinson).

Less obvious, however, is that mis-spellings can also reduce visibility to the casual e-Buyer, and thus have the same effect.

According to this website, one eagle-eyed user has just picked up a brand new Nintendo DS and three games for £40 because the seller had listed the machine as a "Nintendo D S" (with a space). Doik!

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Raffle time!

The Crimea have had a brilliant idea. To promote their new single "Lottery Winners", they are holding... a lottery!!!

Simply go to www.thecrimealotterywinners.co.uk to get your free ticket, and you could win a portable DVD player, a video ipod, or £200 in HMV vouchers. Oh, and an album by some band called The Crimea.

Since almost no-one has heard of them, and even fewer people read this blog, you're bound to stand a decent chance of winning.

Don't say we don't look after you.

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Goodbye, Mutya: You were ace

So, the rumours were true and Mutya Buena has left the Sugababes. It appears that their recent attempt to 'adopt a US style' involves losing members left, right and centre, á la Destiny's Child. Except founding member Keisha is hardly Beyoncé.

Mutya is leaving, she says, because "I honestly felt that the commitment I would need to make to Sugababes over the next 12 months was something that would become compromised by me." So we can look forward to her first solo album by the end of 2006, then... Something which might not be as big a disaster as, say, a solo All Saints album.

Why? Because the best songwriters in the country think Mutya is one of her generation's most talented vocalists. When we spoke to Brian Higgins from Xenomania earlier this year, he had this to say: "Her voice can make your heart melt its tone is so beautiful, she is also an excellent lyricist and melody writer, she is also only 19 and is making her 4th album."

The Sugababes will continue, however. They've announced that a new member will be introduced "within the next 24 hours" to fulfill contractual obligations "help us carry on taking the Sugababes brand of music forward". The 'Sugababes brand'? Oh dear, they seem to have confused their music with a Big Mac.

So, who do you think the new babe will be? Roweta X-factor? That one out of Hear'say? Or maybe it'll be third-time-lucky for poor old Javine? Leave your ideas in the comments box!

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Snow is falling... all around us (sorta)

Just a few more work days to endure before the Christmas holidays! We've just put up our tree, which has definitely not been christened "The Gay Spaceship".



Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Best Albums of 2005?

Metacritic has helpfully compiled the ultimate 'albums of the year' list by collating all the major music magazines reviews and ratings from 2005.

Of course, the list is only really helpful in pointing out what albums you should avoid buying in the January sales. Unless you want to become an boring, introspective musical snob.

Out of the top 30, we'd only seriously recommend five of these records (MIA, Sufjan Stevens, Fiona Apple, Kanye West, Sigur Ros). And each of those albums is definitely an acquired taste.

So, if you can wait for a day or two, we'll be publishing the totally unbiased discopop directory list of the best singles and albums from 2005 very shortly. Using no critical judgement at all, our list will be based solely on the number of times we've listened to records in Discopop towers, even if we're embarassed to admit it.

Stay tuned.

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April fools lasts 'til December

Let it be remembered that Mariah Carey is a world-class diva. She held up Live 8 for what seemed like forty-two minutes because no-one would bring her water, oblivious to the fact that lack of water was the principal reason for Live 8 in the first place.

Quite brilliantly, it turns out that the high-pitched one actually has a servant on hand at all times to lift her cup to her lips. The sheer humiliation of this job was captured on film when Mariah turned up for a signing at HMV on Oxford Street a couple of weeks ago:



It's the look on the flunky's face in that last shot that amuses us the most.

With this ritual debasement in mind, it shouldn't come as a surprise that Mariah's staff don't really like her. And now they've got their own back...

For the past couple of months, Carey has been dining in France (presumably with her knife and fork roadies). Feeling a little sheepish at her lack of French, she must have asked her 'help' for a suitable phrase to thank her Parisian waiters. The bon mot they taught her is: "Ce repas etait si excitant que je me suis fait dessus".

And the translation? "That was such a thrilling meal, I've pissed myself."

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Not much happening in the world

Ho-hum. It's been a quiet week, and it doesn't seem like it'll get much more interesting. In the meantime, here's some stuff off of the internets.

First up, a picture of Rachel Bilson from the OC. She's drinking milk, but there's a slightly guilty look in her eye. Perhaps its not really milk but a white Russian.

Or, worse still, macrobiotic yoghurt.

What's it like to see yourself projected onto a film screen as an 80 foot gorilla? Andy Serkis reveals all to comingsoon.net. (NB: you lose points if your answer was "kinda neat".)

Is Nintendo Mad?!?!?!? screams gamesindustry.biz. Apparently hardcore gamers are laughing at the Japanese company because their next console will only be as powerful as the old Xbox. But, as gamesindustry.biz points out, it all "depends on whether you consider it insane for a company to launch a product with low manufacturing costs, easy software development, high margins and strong brands and franchises backing it, at a price significantly lower than its rivals can compete with."
We'll know by next Christmas.

Boooo!!! Jennifer Aniston didn't burn her wedding dress, after all.

Hooray!!! ABC might be buying Arrested Development out of it's cancellation misery.

Finally, have you ever wondered what Police Academy 'star' Steve Guttenburg is doing these days? "Why do I need to do anything?" he asked the Metro newspaper, "I’m rich."

"Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years?"

No, Steve, we'd like you to be locked up in Azkaban for all the misery you caused us for all those years.

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We're all going to die tomorrow (possibly)

Based, as we are, in London we've often pondered why we're hit with a profound fatigue and depression on the way home from work.

Perhaps it's just the weary day-end commute, squashed into the armpits of various bulbous stockbrokers in the dark tunnels of the underground.

But, suggests Darren S, what if we're being subtly conditioned to feel worse about the world? For the past year, he's been photographing the doom-ridden headlines of the Evening Standard (or E'en-ah Sannn-ah, as the man in Trafalgar Square calls it) on billboards outside every tube station in the capital.

Almost inevitably, every day sees the paper predicting some catastrophe or other. "Toxic Cloud hits London tonight," the copy-writers suggested yesterday. I admit I burned the dinner somewhat, but it doesn't seem to have had an adverse effect on the rest of the capital's 7.5million inhabitants.

Anyway, Darren has put his photos up at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lmg/sets/345910/

My favourite is the admirably surreal "Hurricane kills 55 pictures".

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Burning Pitt of despair

Poor old Jennifer Aniston. It must be hard when your husband leaves you for a woman who looks like the computer-generated amazonian goddess on a plastic surgeon's calling card.

But we're starting to think she's gone a little bit too crazy-break-up-lady. According to Grazia magazine, she recently held a bonfire party and as the flames raged, she dragged out her wedding dress and set it ablaze in front of her invited guests.

Two things about this:
1) She's obviously reliving series 2 of Friends. Presumably she chanted "How can I grow if you won't let me blow" as she burned her nuptial gown, and was disappointed when three firemen failed to turn up.

2) Every time Jennifer does a new interview, she seems to have travelled a little further down insanity lane. Her initial comments on the split were quite sensible and measured, then an undertone of anger crept in when Brangelina flaunted their infidelity to the press. Now she's playing with fire. Literally.

As you can see in the picture above, Aniston has now taken to hiding behind curtains. Presumably, she's waiting for an unsuspecting Jolie to walk into the room, so she can pounce on her and tear out chunks of hair and flesh in a guttural and depraved wrestling match.

Let's hope someone captures it on video, because we'd pay good money to see that.

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Don't let Mario kill you

The Nintendo DS is, almost unbelievably, outselling the PSP in every country around the world. It has even been shifting 40,000 units a week in the notoriously Nintendo-phobic UK.

To be fair, we can understand why. The games are innovative and genuinely fun, the wireless multiplayer works like a dream, and the touchpad is incredibly intuitive. In fact, our home consoles haven't had any play since we bought the DS back in October.

However, we've discovered the console could kill you !!!!!!11!

We've been shielded from the potential health hazards because the European version of the DS comes without the nine pages of safety advice contained in the Japanese instruction manual.

Luckily, some enterprising souls have posted the Japanese manual on the internet. We're guessing that the majority of you don't speak Japanese, so here is a rough translation of the key points.


When using the stylus, avoid repeatedly stabbing yourself through the tongue.

Your DS will not help you to attract a mate, even if you put it in your pants.

Don't play while hiding under your sheets, in case the bogeyman gets you.

On occasion, the DS will emit poisonous fumes.
Do not approach it during this time.

The Nintendo does not much like milk.

Play safely, folks.

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Clicklist

"He raves. He stiffens in anticipation of coming death."

This is what will happen to you if you insist on touching yourself, according to a French textbook from the late nineteenth century.

Mind you, it makes more sense if you remove the last word from that sentence.

Spike Jonez has directed a new Gap commercial, and it is full of wanton violence and destruction. Aces.
Watch it here. Then watch it as Spike intended and be amazed all over again.

Tori Amos has released a 12-CD boxset of concert recordings from this year's Original Sinsuality tour. To be honest, we thought the shows were over-indulgent and boring, but you should head over to the official website and listen to a clip of her performing Like A Prayer with a full gospel choir. It is good.

Can you tell the difference between Computer Generated Images and Photos? Find out with this quiz.

The Guardian is hosting a series of 30-minute podcasts by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. "You need to, yeah, listen to stuff on demand when you want it and stuff," they say. It's crap, obviously.

Pictures of the new X-Men 3 movie and cast are on show at Justjared.com. They've turned Fraiser blue!

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Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

For those of you saddened by today's news that Abba will never again don their spangly pants and seranade the masses, Fluxblog has some salve for your mental wounds. The site is offering a download of one of the band's 'lost songs', You Owe Me One.

In reality, the track is not so much lost as hard-to-find. It was a B-side on one of their later, less popular singles but has just been re-released on the band's latest cash-in sublime "Complete Studio Recordings" boxset.

The song is famous amongst fans because it was due to feature on Abba's never-completed ninth studio album. It even has a rather grandly titled "fanclub", which is little more than a glorified webpage.

Beware: This is not the sort of Abba song you'll like if you're a fan of Mamma Mia and Dancing Queen. It bears more relation to late-period "The Visitors" Abba. You know, that cheesy sing-song synth nonsense that Erasure have been trying to emulate since 1992.

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Just wonderful

If you've been listening to Radio One in the evenings recently, you'll have heard Pete Tong and Zane Lowe playing a cover version of Radiohead's "Just". Seemingly recorded by Blackpool Pier's brass band after a drunken night out with a drum machine, it isn't the aural disaster you might suspect.

Indeed, it quite fantastically turns Radiohead's miserable-but-cuddly stadium anthem into a rooty old-skool funk jam. We particularly like the trumpet solo.

The track comes courtesy of hip-hop producer Mark Ronson, with Alex Greenwald on vocals. You can only get it as a strictly limited edition white label from one of those shops that smell of wet carboard for the time being. Apparently, they're still trying to sort out copyright and all that, but we think Thom and co should let this one pass. They could even have a little dance to it, and maybe then they'd cheer up for a second or two.

In the meantime, we tracked it down at Best foot forward, but you can get a copy from us, too. Until we exceed our bandwidth limit, that is.

The first big hit of 2006?

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Bubblicious

While we were reading that Portugese website (see below), we came across the fabulous "Bubble Project".

An enterprising New Yorker has printed 15,000 of bubble stickers and placed them on top of ads all over NYC. Passersby fill them in. Then he goes back and photographs the results.

It's got something to do with 'reacting to media bombardment and rampant consumerism', but mostly it's fantastically funny.

The Bubble Project

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Drive yourself crazy go nuts

There are 75 bands 'hidden' within the picture above. We've worked out a few of the easy ones: Led Zepplin, Rolling Stones, Matchbox 20... but can you spot them all?

NB: We don't have any idea what the real answers are, so don't come crying to us if you get stuck. The URL burned into the image directs us to a Portugese website, so that's no use either.

Click here to enlarge the picture

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Worst film... ever

First thing in the morning, we tune into Channel 4's Teletext service to read the music news while we eat our Cornflakes.

This morning, though, we spat our Cornflakes all over the floor in horror.

Here, in full, is that cereal-regurgitating article:

"Bono is to make his acting debut in a movie based on Beatles songs.

Across the Universe stars Bono as Dr Robert. Directed by Julie Taymor, who made Frida Kahlo biopic Frida, it also features Eddie Izzard as Mr Kite. Set in the Vietnam war, it's written by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais.

Bono will sing I Am The Walrus with Secret Machines, calling his part 'a Haight-Astbury hippy'."

Take a moment to read that again. It's unlikely that you have absorbed how unspeakably awful this film will be.

The cast is dire, vain and talent-free; the authors last wrote a bearable script in 1976; and the director is the only woman who could make a film where Salma Hayek appears topless seem boring.

And are the Secret Machines a band? Or is Bono's character a Walrus recruited by the Viet Cong to slaughter American soldiers using hi-tech gadgets? We're willing to bet it's the latter.

But most important of all, it's a Beatles musical set in the Vietnam war. A Beatles musical set in the Vietnam war, for fuck's sake.

This has got to be a joke.

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