Celebrity cherry picking

Unashamedly stolen from the PJ messageboards, who pilfered it from US Weekly, here's a list of when and how your favourite popstrels lost their virginity.

What's surprising is how many of them waited for "the one", which kinda ruins the illusion of those Hollywood sex parties we'd always imagined.

Ho hum.

Jessica Simpson:
At 22: "Something about our wedding night was so magical! He pulled me out of my dress, and the dress was just standing there on its own because it was a Vera Wang masterpiece."

Justin Timberlake:
"I've been doing this since I was 15...I enjoy it, and I praise it."
("I praise it"??? What kind of person speaks like this? Is he talking about his penis? Sheesh)

Britney Spears:
At 18: "It was 2 years into my relationship with Justin [Timberlake], and I thought he was the one...but I was wrong! I didn't think he was gonna go on Barbara Walters and sell me out."

Jessica Alba:
At 18: "I was told I was nasty or dirty if I was sexual in any way."

Fergie:
At 18: "I've always been a very sexual person, I've always had to hold myself back...I lost my virginity at 18. But that took a lot of willpower."
(In what way did it take a lot of willpower? Did she have to force herself on some reluctant dweeb? Somehow, we don't think so.)

Pharrell Williams:
At 16: "We worked at McDonald's...She was an older lady, 28 or 29."
(Romantic, non?)

Tommy Lee:
At 13: "It was the girl next door--my sister's best friend."

Tara Reid:
At 17: "It was down at my Jersey Shore beach house...on the sand. It was disgusting. Four hundred mosquitoes. I had hives everywhere."

Carmen Electra:
At 16: "It was in Cincinnati in the back seat of a car. It wasn't glamorous...I actually felt bad I didn't wait longer."
(Well, exactly. Five more minutes and she could have done it in the comfort of her own home.)

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Collating the things that people say

So, the MTV awards went ahead in Miami - despite the Hurricane, and people getting shot, and the obvious dearth of decent acts willing to take part. It speaks volumes when the only vaguely interesting picture from the event is of Shakira. (Oh, okay, and this one of Nelly Tomato, but only because we love her).

Frankly, we couldn't be bothered to watch, but here's what the people of the interweb had to say:

Eva Longoria is dressed as a giant cameltoe. Viewers with HDTV are treated to a topographic map of Eva's vulva. (fluxblog)

Alicia Keys, once again, failed to disappoint those expecting her to look like shit. (goldenfiddle)

I'm still convinced that Ciara is a man. (clever titles are so last summer)

Apparently white guys can only be on MTV now if they wear eyeliner. (fluxblog)

For a minute there I was asking myself, "Why, exactly, is P. Diddy famous?" Then they showed the Notorious B.I.G. thing and I remembered: he had a friend once who like, died. We should give the guy a fucking medal. (stereogum)

Kelly Clarkson took a random friend up on stage to accept her award and said, 'Sorry, I don't have an entourage so I decided to bring up my friend Ashley.' I LOVE HER. (popjustice boards)

We wept. More importantly, we turned off the TV and listened to some actual music. (gawker)

Watch the trailer for the new Harry Potter film

Charlotte Church gains our respect for telling the truth about all the other pop stars. Bob Dylan "sounds like a freak", Beyoncé is "so out of tune that it does my head in", and Chris Martin is "a bit wimpy". Only a bit?

Is this wrong?

Cats in sinks

Idiot Toys brings a much-needed sense of perspective to coverage of gadgets and toys. Why would you ever need a chair you can plug your ipod into, anyway?

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Katrina makes waves

You really have got to hand it to MTV - they are a continual asset to the development of pop music.

First of all, they came up with the whole 'cheap videos make great television' concept. Next, they realised that Dire Straits and Sting should be shoved off onto a separate channel for pensioners, and called it VH1. And now, they're planning a massive cull of the world's most useless pop stars!

Because, this weekend, MTV have lured some of the world's most useless pop acts down to Miami and lined them up in front of a Hurricane!

If all goes to plan, by Monday we will no longer have to tolerate the following: P Diddy, Usher, 50 Cent, Coldplay, The Black Eyed Peas, Mariah Carey and Ricky Martin. It is a scheme of the most unspeakable genius and simplicity.

Perhaps we could get them to send Hurricane Katrina over to the MOBOs, too?

MTV awards

Hurricane Katrina heads for Miami

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Legendary Roots Crew

Well, my faith in live music has been restored again after seeing:

A) Goldfrapp's short but super set in the London Oxford Street Virgin Megastore. I couldn't quite work out how a band of four people could make such an earth-shattering racket, until I discovered that reclusive synth genius Will Gregory was hiding off-stage making special noises with his electric playtoys.

Apparently, the signing session got a bit ugly, but I escaped unscathed, and Will even imparted a few words of wisdom to me: "Never throw away an old synth". I'm about to sell one on ebay - does that count?

B) The Roots - last night at Shepherd's Bush Empire. I cannot overestimate how fantastic this gig was. The band played for two-and-a-half hours, and covered every genre I can think of; from classical to reggae, soul to metal, doo-wop to drum'n'bass - all from a hip-hop band.



The guitarist, Kirk Hudson, did things with his instrument that are probably illegal in several countries. And ?uestlove is quite simply one of the best drummers in the world - even when he's opening a bottle of water with one hand!

Not to mention (yes, there is more!) the 15 minute tour of the best breaks and beats in music, where the band segued seamlessly between Afrika Bambaata's "Planet Rock" and Amerie's "One Thing" via "Push It", "Crazy In Love" and NORE's "Nothin'".

?uestlove has a DJ set at the Jazz Café on Friday and Saturday. It's hardly the full Roots experience, but I'd check it out if I were you.

The Roots: Official website

The Roots forum

Jazz Café: ?uestlove DJ sets on Friday and Saturday

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Snakes On A Plane!

This surely has to be the single greatest movie-concept (and title) of all time. You can just imagine the pitch:

Sweaty Hollywood Exec:
So, kid, what's your idea?
Emaciated Screenwriter:
Dude - there are snakes. On a plane.
Sweaty Hollywood Exec:
Have one-hundred million dollars.

But it gets better. There aren't just snakes on the plane - Samuel L. Jackson is there, too. So, at some point, he is bound to say; "Take that, you slithery motherfuckers."

Ain't Hollywood swell?

Defamer: Snakes On A Plane!

Seriously, snakes on a plane

Photos!

(Hey, we've just realised that the acronym for "Snakes On A Plane" is SOAP. If any tinseltown marketing gurus are reading this, you can use that free of charge.)

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What we learnt from a morning watching Music TV

1) Craig David's beard is a metaphor for his music: Stylish, but overgroomed and boring.

2) Pussycat Dolls (pictured) look like they've come off the cover of Maxim, and their song has a killer hook: "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?". Problem is, no self-respecting teenage girl will touch it, teenage boys won't be able to pick it off the shelves without going beetroot red, and 35-year-old pervs aren't a big single-buying demographic...

3) Kanye West has lost the plot. Gone are the socially concious diatribes, only to be replaced with boasts his money. And his cars. And his jewellery. And his fantastic sexual prowess. What a waste.

4) For someone who is ugly on a fundamental level, Gwen Stefani certainly scrubs up well in her videos.

5) McFly really need to be put out of their misery.

More reports from the frontline of music journalism later.

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Friday Fun!

PUPPIES!

(a game for all seasons)

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That's entertainment

If your male friends mysteriously start signing up to be escorts, this is why.

Popjustice are banging on about the new tATu video (right click and select 'save target as' to download it to your hard drive). Personally, we think it's trying just a little bit too hard. Why not go and look at the "Joining A Fanclub" video from Japanese girl band Puffy Amiyumi instead? It's cheaper, sweeter, and the song's better, too.

Heidi Klum will host the German version of America's Next Top Model. German stylists have already begun to stockpile hair clippings in case she needs a weave to rival Tyra's.

This boring blog article about Mariah Carey is much enlivened by the bitchy gossip in the comments field. "More butterflies! Mariah loves butterflies!"

Oh, and if you're in London, Goldfrapp are doing an in-store performance and album signing session at the Virgin Megastore in Oxford Street on Monday. See you there!

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One diva to trump them all

Jennifer Lopez, we're told, is a "Triple Threat". We'd always assumed that meant she could sing, dance and act - until we saw Gigli. So what is that mysterious third talent? Apparently, it's farting in people's faces.

The ultimate present for your mopey, Morissey-stalking friend - His house.

Now you can buy Bill Clinton's jazz collection. Unfortunately, it's a CD of his favourite songs, rather than a stash of top-shelf magazines.

Thinking of buying a PSP? Why bother when Nintendo are discounting the DS. In the US, Nintendo's machine is now half the price of Sony's - and we'd wager that similar discounts will appear over here just in time for the PSP launch.

And, finally, how can we resist a video where a geeky teacher sings to his class:


"Nobody loves you like your mama loves you
But who's loving your mama?
I am."


Well, we can, after the initial novelty has worn off. But you can click here to watch it once.

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ANTM

We've been watching the ever-excellent America's Next Top Model for the last couple of weeks on Living TV. However, a couple of things are bothering us:

Firstly, How big is Tyra Banks' hair-weave? She must have the hair of four normal women tied to her scalp. You may have noticed that she can no longer turn her head because of the crushing weight.

If no-one does anything to tackle it, Tyra might turn into Cousin It by the time we reach series 5.

Secondly, we may have missed the point of what models do - but why are so many of the contestants frighteningly ugly? Particularly Michelle, who is clearly a man.

Third: Living Frankenstein Janice Dickinson shouldn't really be allowed out in public. Unless, of course, they can find her a position in a touring carnival of freaks. She'd be perfect locked up in a cage, snarling insults at passers by while performing ad-hoc plastic surgery by sticking scraps of raw meat to her face. Still, she does have the best driving licence photo ever

Finally, and most important of all - is Tyra Banks suffering from some kind of personality disorder? She spends half of every episode counseling these hapless photoshoot wannabes, building their confidence up to the point where they're just about able to avoid bursting into tears every time someone points a camera at them. Then, fifteen minutes later, she makes sends one of them home - telling them they're "not model material" and "incapable of taking a good photo". Passive / Aggressive doesn't even begin to describe it.

We're sorry for not bringing this all to your attention earlier, as this series clearly peaked with last week's exchange between the judges, while discussing Brittany (pictured):

Tyra: Janice, you just like Brittany her because she looks like your little sister. You can see yourself in her.
Nolé: Janice, with your first face, maybe
Janice: Don't get me going - short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy
Nolé: Don't worry, my plastic surgery victim freak of nature.

You will not find dialogue of this quality on X Factor (or Eastenders, for that matter).

Anyway, if you do watch the programme, you'll appreciate this Saturday Night Live parody, with Tina "Mean Girls" Fey as Miss Tyra, and Lindsay "Also in Mean Girls" Lohan as one of the models.

If you've never seen the programme - catch up tonight on Living TV.

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Kylie, the Babes, the Frapp, and a nudey bit

It wasn't bad policies or a lack of leadership that cost the Tories the election. No, it was all Kylie's fault.

Tracklistings, reviews and promo shots from the Sugababes album (bizarrely called "Taller In More Ways") are available over at Sugashack.co.uk. They had a download of the new single up there for a while, too, but the lawyers have intervened. You can still hear it via the Sugababes' US site, though.

Just in case we haven't hammered home the point that Goldfrapp are the saviours of pop music quite often enough, here's what the Guardian has to say about their new album:

"Goldfrapp treasures the idea of pop stardom as an opportunity to re-imagine yourself from the ground up... A brash, beautiful celebration of love and dancing that puts Kylie and Madonna on the back foot."

And thank you to everyone who took our advice on Monday. It looks like "Ooh La La" will be the highest new entry in this week's chart!

Finally, Justjared.com has pix of Jack Osbourne and Mishal Barton topless. We'll let you decide which of those links to click on.

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Insufferable, infantile idiots.

We've managed to avoid talking about Big Brother so far, but as it's the final tonight we have to get this off our chests.

How in the name of the sweet lord Jesus did Channel 4 manage to find a group of sixteen people without a single redeeming feature to share between them? From Derek's snivelling superiority complex, via Orlaith's immovable tits of stone, to Maxwell's boorish bullying cuntery - every single housemate was an objectionable cretin.

BB6 has also come closer than ever to inducing mental breakdown (Craig) and serious physical harm (what if that bottle had shattered, Kinga?).

And have you noticed that the Sunday night show no longer has 'psychologist's evaluations' of the contestants? Presumably because all the housemates had the psychological profile of a potato chip. Or Myra Hindley.

Anyway, it all ends tonight and despite our better intentions the final is sure to be showing at Discopop Towers. The bookies reckon it's Eugene or Anthony to win. Here's what the Guardian's TV critic, Charlie Brooker, has to say about them:

Anthony: A man so profoundly thick you could sell him a pair of his own socks for £500, even if he was already wearing them.

Eugene: Only a heartless warlord couldn't warm to Eugene, a well-meaning human pylon whose ineptitude and timidity meant he was out of his depth from the off.

Oh, Wait a minute... we forgot Mary. We liked Mary. Whatever happened to her - with her beelzebub stare and her sparkly Irish broomstick? They should give her the fifty grand and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Guardian: Charlie Brooker on BB6

Digital Spy: Columns from BB4's Jon Tickle and Frederico

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Deep thought

That last post was a bit Heat Magazine, so here's some food for thought.

Geoff Ryman, author of the internet novel 253 (read it here), which tells the story of each of the passengers on a packed Bakerloo line train, has written a tribute to the victims of the London bombs. It's incredibly simple, but surprisingly moving.

Is your electricity really green? This article in the ecologist points out that very few companies are actually doing anything to promote alternative fuels, even when they charge you extra for doing just that.

And finally, an interesting riposte to yesterday's article about movie audiences getting dumber: The New Yorker says that blockbusters are losing out to small-budget movies in the DVD market.

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You crust be joking

What a comedown. Unable to resurrect her recording career despite several years atop the FHM "100 lovely ladythings" poll, Louise Redknapp has been forced to eke out a living advertising crustless bread. As if we're supposed to believe she eats carbs, or something.

Anyway, what exactly is the point of crustless bread? We were always told the crusts were the healthiest part of the loaf. And, if you look closely at those shots of Louise, you'll see that giving them up has given her some horrible kind of skin complaint. Urgh.

Lifestyle Extra: Louise unveils crustless loaf

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Pop bites

Andre (3000) Benjamin of Outkast hasn't quite got the hang of Hollywood yet... "I didn’t know if I was good," he says of his acting, "until people said, 'Hey! You’re good.'"

Andre, do you realise that you're not supposed to take the words of the tea-boy as the gospel truth, don't you?

This also applies to: the pet wrangler, starstruck extras, the dude with the clapperboard, the director, the limo driver, your dialect coach (he's laughing at you behind your back), the foley artist, your co-stars, that guy with the lisp, the hairstylist (particularly the hair stylist), the key grip, the boyfriend of that girl who does the thing with the hose, your stylist (also laughing at you behind your back), Dave who gets the coffee, the set dressers, the wardrobe unit, the scary peanut lady, and even your mum.

Don't go to the front row for Jamelia's V Festival performance, just in case her waters break all over you.

We've just fallen in love with Nelly Furtado's last album, "Folklore", all over again. So it's great to hear that she's busy recording the follow up! She once looked me straight in the eye all the way through a performance of "Try", you know...

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Film make car go 'boom', me go see film

"What happened to the movies?" asks Commentary Magazine.

Apparently, screenwriters and Hollywood hacks all agree: "America has elected to make films for its bluntest section of society and in ways that flatter them."

What's more, modern audiences "brought up on cartoons, comic books, television, and Nintendo games, is much more interested in spectacle than story, in car crashes than catharsis."

I have to disagree slightly with this hypothesis. Movies haven't descended into providing cheap spectacle, it's what they've always been about!

The earliest surviving motion picture features a man sneezing for comedic effect. In the 1890s, most films featured slices of daily life - people filing into factories, policemen going about their work. In other words, the voyeuristic pleasures of Big Brother were as attractive then as they are now.

What else was popular? Footage of trains hurtling towards the audience - causing people to faint, panic or run out of the theatre. And, of course, sex. From "peep show" cabinets on Victorian piers, to films of scantily-clad chamber maids in early cinemas.

Cineastes will always decry the general public's "bad taste", but there are still great films being made. If you avoid The Island this weekend, you could go to see Crash, Shake Hands With The Devil, or (if you can find it) DiG!

Nonetheless, the Commentary Magazine article is well worth reading - in particular for the anecdote about how Dustin Hoffman can get a 1920s hotel room rebuilt.

Commentary Magazine: What Happened To The Movies?

Filmsite.org: Film History

Empire Magazine Online

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Frappucino

If you only do one thing this week*, you should buy Goldfrapp's new single - Ooh La La (Mute Records, available in all reputable megastores and those snobby vinyl dance shops too, I should suspect).

Even better, buy the DVD single this week (so that you can go 'oooh, she looks a bit like Madonna, she does'), then get the album on 22nd August.

If all goes to plan, we can dethrone James Blunt from the top of the album and single charts, freeing him up to go and see the doctor about his adenoids.

Buy that superb single on the internet at Amazon or itunes

Go and visit the Goldfrapp website

*If you're doing more than one thing this week, try to exchange one of the things you'd planned doing with the thing we're suggesting that you do - which is buy the Goldfrapp single. It's quite good, really.

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My ipod is depressed

I don't know what to do about this, but my ipod is depressed.

I've been trying to pack the little white box full of happy, upbeat songs. But when I turn on 'shuffle', it keeps tracking down the world's most melancholy records.

Last night, it came up with the following miscellany of misery:


Gary Jules - Mad World
Death Cab For Cutie - A Lack Of Colour
Radiohead - No Surprises
Janet Jackson - Lonely
Beatles - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
Massive Attack - Protection
REM - It's The End Of The World As We Know it

To finish it all off, it played Dire Strait's Romeo and Juliet. I hate Dire Straits, and that song in particular. I can only assume the ipod has become suicidal and, in an attempt to make me break it into tiny i-pieces, the machine has somehow loaded the song of its own accord!

Then I remembered this article suggesting that ipods can make you have musical hallucinations.

Oh My God! Am I even hearing these songs for real? Am I imaginging them because, subconciously, I'm depressed on some level? Or, more worryingly, are Apple using their special electronic trickery to take control of my mind?

Luckily, before I became too paranoid, the ipod woke me up this morning with Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back". I do like big butts, and I cannot lie. The world has been restored to it's natural order.

I think.

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Apropos of nothing - a peacock

Mrsdiscopop was trying to take a photo of a peacock eating my hotdog at Whipsnade Animal Park (stop sniggering at the back).

Unfortunately, Mr Cock's deft footwork proved too much even for her nimble fingers... But there was something pleasing about the way the photographs displayed on the contact sheet, don't you think?



Elsewhere in the universe:

Jude Law is selling his sordid snooker table of sex

Medical students can now practise their surgery skills on the Nintendo?!

Simon Le Bon is getting back on the boat that tried to kill him.

And finally... Britney wants to call her baby "Charlie" -- as in 'and-the-chocolate-factory'. We suppose that if you really have to name your child after a Roald Dahl book, Charlie is probably one of the better options. Indeed, it's amazing that Britters hasn't chosen something more in line with rockstar offspring tradition - like "Giant Peach" or "The Twit"...

Incidentally, Britney has decided not to give birth live on TV. So it will be safe to eat your dinner in front of the telly this October.

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Get your mp3s here...

Yahoo have just launched a trial version of their audio search engine. It promises to track down MP3s, Windows audio, streaming audio - basically every flavour of digital download you can imagine - and dump it right into your brain. It even seems to catalogue what we shall call "alternative" downloads, should you wish to avoid paying for your music. Not that we would condone such behaviour, you understand.

Yahoo! Search - Audio Search

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Ch-ch-check it out

The Beastie Boys have added a new section to their website, offering free a-capella versions of their songs to download. A prize for the first person to doctor one of the raps to say "Fuck Tibet - I fancy a nice, juicy burger".

Beastie Boys.com - remixers

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Oh, for shame

Splosh! Did Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas wet herself on stage?

More pics of pisspants stains here




Phwoar! Charlize Theron joins the Pussycat Dolls burlesque revue.

More pics at Justjared.com

More on the Pussycat Dolls at this Carmen Electra website




Ewwww! Craig David slips the tongue in on Friday, chills on Sunday.

Elsewhere:

Smooth Criminal: Michael Jackson sells his story to OK! Magazine for $2m. (nb - Michael Jackson has been cleared of any criminal activity - smooth, crunchy, or any other variety - by a court of law.)

Leave Right Now: Will Young has lost his pants.

Come Towards Us: Nellie McKay will release the follow-up to her debut album, Get Away From Me, in October. You should pre-order it now.

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Thank you!

Tony Curtis has brought us a cake because, amazingly, this is the 200th post on the Discopop Directory! Only eight short months ago, I wasn't even sure what exactly the site was for. Now it's all more clearly defined: This is how I avoid the impulse to write any new music.

Having said that, I have some actual commissions at the moment (fingers crossed).

The most pressing issue, therefore, is that I need to replace my Korg M1 keyboard, which has died and needs to be destroyed. Can anyone out there recommend a new synth? I want something that will turn me into Harold Faltermyer, as opposed to Jan Hammer.

In the meantime, as a 'thank you' to the three or four people who read this site, I'm putting up an unreleased song from Annie for you all to download. Think of it as a sort of Annie-versary present! (Do you see what I did there?)

The song is called "The Wedding" and comes from a session Annie did for Sirius Satellite Radio. However, I purloined it from the ever-excellent fluxblog.org

Click here to download.

The song's quite sparse and electronic compared to Annie's current album. The lyrics and arrangement remind me a little of a dub version of Prince's "Let's Pretend We're Married".

Annie also performed this song during her (rubbish) support slot with St Etienne in June. All I remember of it from that night is that we drunkenly sang "When Santa Got Stuck Up The Chimney" over the top of it. You'll see why when you listen to it...


So, to recap, thank you all for reading. Have some free music, and wish me luck in writing some new songs. Finally, here is a picture of a cat in a toilet.

Fluxblog

Annie: Official site

Korg

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Las Rebecas

Hooray - The Cardigans are back! And their new single is called "I need some fine wine. And you? You need to be nicer", which is possibly the best title for a song ever (take note Madonna).

The song's not bad, either. It's more in the vein of "My Favourite Game" than the band's last album, the mostly acoustic "Long Gone Before Daylight". There is no news yet as to whether Nina's hair is blond or brunette for this release.

To hear the single, and to find out more about the new album, "Super Extra Gravity", you have to be able to read Spanish - as Universalmusic.es seems to be the only place to get any information on the band at the moment.

Universal - Artistas: Cardigans

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Demon's Disco

Is this the tracklisting for Madonna's new album?



What you see above is a CDR cover, supposedly listing 16 new songs from La Ciccone. You can see / read more over on the madonnavillage forums. Our guess is that the CD contains demos and works-in-progress, Presumably the tracks with ticks beside them are the good ones (only 8 more to go before the album is finished, therefore).

If anyone has a copy of the CD, do they fancy sending it to us at Discopop towers? We're particularly interested in hearing the wonderfully-monikered "Song".

Other rumours: the album will be called "Confessions on a Dancefloor" and the first single samples Abba's "Ring Ring".

All nonsense, of course.

Madonna Village - Rumoured Tracklisting?!?!?!?!?

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