Madonna seems immeasurably proud of her new single, Bitch, I'm Madonna, a pelvis-pumping Diplo track that sits at the centre of her new album.
But to my ears, it's grating, puerile and - worst of all - clumsy; indulging all of Madonna's worst instincts.
The Jonas Ackerlund-directed video doesn't improve matters. Set at a kerraazy house party, it seems oddly joyless. Even the much-hyped celebrity cameos are a bust - filmed separately and dropped into the video at opportune moments. Even Nicki Minaj, who's verse is a highlight of the song, couldn't be bothered to turn up.
I took a mini-break from the blog last week to help the kids survive the school holidays. OK, to help my wife survive the school holidays.
But plenty of great music found its way into the world in my absence. Here is a 15-track summary of that music.
1) Madonna - Ghosttown
The best video Madonna's made in over a decade, for her best single since Sorry.
Co-starring Terence Howard (Iron Man, Empire), it depicts the Queen of Pop one of the last survivors of a nuclear apocalypse. Which finally explains why she has the face of a 30-year-old Drew Barrymore.
2) Florence + The Machine - Ship To Wreck
More mellifluous than the previous releases from Florence's upcoming third album, this still finds the singer wracked with doubt. "Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build this ship to wreck?" she hollers over the deceptively upbeat, glockenspielly backing.
The video, directed Vincent Haycock, follows the narratively-driven clips for St. Jude and What Kind of Man, and was filmed at Florence's house.
3) Brandon Flowers - Still Want You
It seems like Brandon's having a lot of fun with his new solo album.
I mean, A LOT of fun.
The second single from The Desired Effect is a wonky rock/gospel hybrid that hammers home its chorus with a bejangled mallet; while the video finds Brandon in a playful, flirty mood - looking eerily similar to Bryan Ferry doing David Bowie on Stars In Their Eyes.
4) Shura - 2 Shy
I championed this Janet Jackson sound-alike a couple of weeks ago, and now it has a moody and windswept (and largely unnecessary) video to accompany it.
5) Michael Calfan - Treasured Soul
This has been bubbling around on specialist dance shows since the start of the year, but it's getting a proper release in time for the summer. A soulful, uplifting dance anthem, it's powered by steel drum hook that owes a huge debt to Duke Dumont's I Got U. Which is no bad thing.
6) Chloe Black - Cruel Intentions
I wasn't a big fan of Chloe Black's last single, 27 Club, in which she revealed an ambition to die young, at the same age as Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin. It was a terrible, attention-seeking lyric with a casual disregard for those tragically curtailed lives.
Her new single seeks to make amends ("I won't try to defend all of my crazy") and suggests the London-based singer-songwriter could be this year's Lana Del Rey. Distinctive and dramatic.
7) Clean Bandit ft Marina and the Diamonds - Disconnect
Premiered live at Coachella, this is apparently from Clean Bandit's "eagerly anticipated" second album, which is coming out later this year.
As Marina later noted on Twitter, her stage outfit made her look like Ali G.
9) Kiesza - Sound of a Woman
It's ballad time in Kiesza world, which means less dancing, and more emoting. Bah.
10) Mark Ronson ft Mystikal - Feel Right
Live on the Ellen Show, this is a peach of a performance.
11) Snoop Dogg - So Many Pros
Produced by Pharrell, this creamy-smooth jam finds Snoop drawl-singing an ode to the "pretty people". Progressive it isn't, but the funkadelic chorus (featuring vocals from The Gap Band's Charlie Wilson) is delicious.
12) MO - Preach
Like SWV combined with Little Mix, while never reaching the peaks of either. Now on the Radio 1 playlist, where it's a refreshing change from James bloody Bay.
13) Lykke Li, Kanye West and Lil Wayne - Never Gonna Love Again
Eminem's producer has mashed up Lykke Li's Never Gonna Love Again with Lil Wayne and Kanye' Lollipop remix, for no reason other than he could.
It works surprisingly well.
14) Charles Hamilton - New York Raining (ft Rita Ora)
Here's a stunning, Selma-esque video to accompany New York Raining, Charles Hamilton's collaboration with Oscar nominee Rita Ora.
Set in a monochromatic 1960s New York, we see Charles amongst a group of civil rights protestors, joining arms as they square off with police. Rita stays clear of the politics, preferring to gaze wistfully through a rainy window.
15) Madonna - Bitch, I'm Madonna
We finish back where we started - with Madonna back on form, despite the creative disarray of her Rebel Heart album.
This is how you do a chat show performance in the YouTube age - playful and self-deprecating while cramming in tons of "content" and some killer dance moves. It's just a shame the song is so cringeworthy.
So there you go. Seems like I was the only one who had a quiet Easter. So spare a moment to remember the PR people who had to manage the YouTube uploads and email out the links. Let's hope they had tons of chocolate to compensate.
Nothing says "self-sabotage" more than agreeing to perform a song live on television to an audience of millions.
Think about it. Have you ever seen a transformative, spiritual gig - then watched it back on TV to discover a squall of bum notes and missed cues? Live music is messy and spontaneous. Television demands perfection.
And so we find ourselves at last night's iHeartRadio awards (whatever they are) witnessing Rihanna perform her underwhelming new single Bitch Better Have My Money; and Madonna, wisely sitting down for once, as she duets with Taylor Swift on Ghosttown - aka the best song she's released since Sorry.
Guess which one is a thrilling, pulchritudinous showstopper, and which one sounds like a school assembly cover band?
Here it is: A semi-regular round-up of songs I haven't managed to blog about, from pop powerhouses to rejuvenated indie icons, And ending with two chancers who can't believe their luck.
1) Rihanna - American Oxygen
Rihanna's latest song was teased in a promo for the new basketball season (obviously) which you can see below. It's a meagre 30 seconds, but we'll take what we're given from the Bajan pop queen.
2) Carly Rae Jepsen - I Really, Really Like You
Look, if Tom Hanks agrees to appear in your video, you don't say "no". Even if he insists on "being you". Even if he doesn't really understand how to lip-sync. Even if the climactic dance number is borderline humiliating. Just roll with the punches. It's Hollywood, baby.
3) Marina and the Diamonds - Forget
Congratulations to the hair stylist on this video. Marina looks incredible.
And in "good news" news, the release date of Marina's third album FROOT has been moved forward to 16th March. That's 10 days, people!
4) Madonna - Ghosttown (live)
The best song on Madonna's new album is also her best song in a decade. Easily.
Even the slightly wobbly vocal on this live performance can't rob it of its charm.
5) MIA - Can See Can Do
"Some people see planes, some people see drones" - a typically provocative lyric from MIA, who's back for the first time after 2013's Matangi.
There's no word on whether this is a single or just something she's knocked off in the studio, but it sounds like filler to me.
6) Everything Everything - Distant Past
There's a bit in the mid 8 where this threatens to turn into the Crossroads theme tune - and, what with this being an Everything Everything single, I half suspect it's deliberate.
Otherwise, it's business as usual. Ridiculous falsetto, polyrhythmic drum lines and lyrics like: "Two thumbs, I cross the Rubicon".
It's nice to have them back.
7) The Violent Femmes - Love Love Love Love Love
It's 15 years since the Violent Femmes released new material - and 32 since their ode to onanism Blister In The Sun - but they sound undiminished on their return. And is that an oboe solo??
Recorded on New Year’s Eve in Hobart, Tasmania, its the lead track on a 4-track EP that's coming out on Record Stay.
8) Conor Maynard - Talking About
Let's face it, Conor Maynard is a shit pop star. But if this came on the radio, and someone told you it was the new one from Disclosure, you'd probably be quite impressed.
Well played, sir.
9) Alabama Shakes - Don't Wanna Fight (live on SNL)
The new Alabama Shakes single has been compared to Bob Marley's Could You Be Loved and James Brown's Cold Sweat - which is pretty impressive company - but frontwoman Brittany Howard hinted at another inspiration on SNL, wearing a pair of earrings bearing Prince's lovely face.
Now, where can I get a pair of those?
10) The Staves - Make It Holy
I've run out of ways to gush about The Staves, so let's just accept I like this a lot without any further adjectives.
11) Joywave - Somebody New
Coming out of Rochester, Joywave are making uplifting indie-pop in the vein of Friendly Fires and Passion Pit.
Their new video will please anyone who used to play Tony Hawk games on the PS2, although what it has to do with the song is beyond me.
12) Kid Cudi - Love (ft Ratatat)
Things have been quiet on the Kid Cudi front for quite some time now, so this upload caught fans by surprise on Tuesday night.
An unreleased track from last year's Satellite Flight album, it's an uplifting hug of a record, as Cudi sings: "Don't be so down, come on young homie / You'll be OK, you'll find real love".
Writing on Soundcloud, Cudi says: "Hope it brings you some peace if you have a lonely heart out there. byeeeee :)"
13) Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You
The UK's Eurovision for 2015 is by a Mick Jagger impersonator and a woman who couldn't convince a single person to turn their chair around on The Voice. So that augurs well.
The song itself is an odd fish... basically will.i.am's Bang Bang without the production values. It seems content to repeat its derivative four-bar hook a dozen times without any modulation or progression - which isn't necessarily a bad tactic when you're trying to make a lasting impression in three minutes. But you're left with the overwhelming feeling of "is that really it?"
And that's this week's supplement. Tune in for more tomorrow.
5) Katy Perry - By The Grace of God
Katy Perry's performance was preceded by a speech about domestic abuse by Brooke Axtell, from Austin, Texas (sadly clipped out of this video).
She spoke about her "romance with a handsome, charismatic man".
"I was stunned when he began to abuse me," she continued. "Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse."
Brooke Axtell's is the most important voice we're gonna hear tonight. #GRAMMYs
Hands up who downloaded Snapchat last night? Those of you who did will have found the new Madonna video, assuming you were capable of following the sort of instructions you'd normally find in an Ikea leaflet.
To watch the Living For Love video, open the Snapchat app and swipe right twice to the Discover page and tap the Snap Channel.
Perseverance was rewarded, however, with one of Madonna's most stylish, striking videos in a long time. Choreographed by Megan Lawson (Misst Elliot, Nicki Minaj), Living For Love finds the singer dressed as a matador, wrestling with diamond-encrusted minotaurs (as you do).
It's a powerful visual metaphor for the track, in which Madonna declares: "I picked up my crown, put it back on my head". And, for once, the music lives up to the bragging: This is a proper return to form. (I mean, post-2000 Confessions on a Dancefloor form. I'm not mad enough to suggest it lives up to Ray of Light or Like A Prayer.)
In keeping with Snapchat ettiquette, the video will be deleted today and so - hey presto - it has popped on YouTube this evening. And here it is in all it's electrodisco glory.
Footnote: Shortly after the premiere, Madonna tweeted a screengrab of her sucking her thumb, saying "bad habits die hard". I hadn't got a clue this was a thing but, lo and behold, there's a really creepy website devoted to pictures of the star with her digitus primus lodged firmly in her mouth. Whatever turns you on, eh?
Madonna wasn't supposed to put out any new music this year. But that was before a "helpful" associate decided to share demo tracks for her entire new album with the internet.
The star had been plagued by leaks anyway. Earlier this month, she posted a photo of a smashed iPod on Instagram as a reaction to the appearance of the title track, Rebel Heart. "This broken ipod is a symbol of my broken heart!" she wrote. "I have been violated as a human and an artist! #fuckedupshit."
If I was the source of the leaks, I'd wouldn't like to be around when Madonna finds out my name. But at the same time, she pretty much has herself to blame - her 13th album has been gestating longer than an elephant and the more people get involved, the more likely it is that something will tunnel it's way onto the internet.
But, being Madonna, she responded in style: Tackling the leaker head on by depositing five tracks on iTunes, and another onto YouTube this morning.
"I was hoping to release my new single 'Living For Love' on Valentine's Day with the rest of the album coming in the Spring," she said in an official statement. "I would prefer my fans to hear completed versions of some of the songs instead of the incomplete tracks that are circulating. Please consider these six songs as an early Christmas gift".
Living For Love, sadly, is the YouTube-only track but it's the most interesting, because it was supposed to (and basically still does) set the tone for the album. It sounds like this:
So what's all this new material like? It's quite simple: If you like Living For Love, you're going to like everything else. Diplo, the album's main producer, has his fingerprints everywhere - dirty synth hooks, pitch-shifted vocals and, on Unapologetic Bitch, a cod-reggae backing track. The only exception is Ghosttown, a stately ballad that sounds like a future single.
Personally, though, I'm not a huge fan of Madonna's late-period vocals - she's still doing that half-sung, half-spoken trick that became her stock sound on the Hard Candy album. It's a style that makes good use of her limited range, but it has the tendency to sound harsh and bitter, even when the lyrics are sentimental.
That's not always a problem here - as the song titles suggest ("Bitch, I'm Madonna", "Unapologetic Bitch", "Illuminati") she's in street-fighting mode right now, and Diplo usually has the good sense to dress her up in club sounds (all over, all over) that make a virtue of her demanding delivery (from her head down to her toes).
After my first few listens, the Madge album it compares to the most is Confessions On A Dancefloor - aka her last decent record - so the auspices are good. A solid 6/10.
You can get the tracks for yourself by pre-orderding Madonna's album, Rebel Heart on iTunes.
A semi-regular round-up of songs on the internet, of which there are many. These are a mere few that caught my eye (ear?) this week.
1) Tears For Fears - And I Was A Boy From School
1980s sweater enthusiasts Tears For Fears were best known for big pop moments like Shout and The Seeds Of Love, but their music was generally more experimental (and pompous) than those stadium-sized choruses would suggest. After an acrimonious break-up in the 1990s, the band reformed in 2005, and are currently back in the studio.
They're limbering up with a few covers, and their taste is impeccable. Here's Hot Chip's ...Boy From School, and Arcade Fire's Ready To Start, like you've never heard them before.
2) Lorde - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
And, in an act of synchronistic reciprocity, Lorde has covered Tears For Fears' Everybody Wants To Rule The World for the Hunger Games soundtrack. Bombastic doesn't begin to describe it. Volcanoes have erupted with less fuss.
3) Sia - Elastic Heart
Pop's most in-demand songwriter is clearly keeping all the best material back for herself. This song, a duet with The Weeknd, is punch-the-air fantastic. Shame the video's so pointlessly lacklustre.
4) The Killers - When You Were Young (live on Later)
The Killers' Direct Hits is a perfect Christmas present for your mum. To persuade you to part with that tenner, the band played their second-best song on Later... With Jools this week.
After all these years, the minor shift into the last chorus still gives me shivers.
5) Madonna - Ray Of Light (LEAF remix)
Forget Britney's new album, William Orbit's finest moment will always be his work on Madonna's Ray Of Light album. The man formerly (and ill-advisedly) known as "Willy-O" made a new mix of the title track for last weekend's London Electronic Arts Festival, and he has generously put it on Soundcloud for everyone to enjoy.
Less generously, he's disabled embedding - so you'll need to click on the above link to hear it. In the meantime, here's an outtake from Mario Testino's cover shoot for the album. Sadly, they've photoshopped out the burger Madonna was enjoying at the time.
6) Charlotte OC - Hangover
Manchester's Charlotte "OC" O'Connor describes her music as "spooky gospel". The 22-year-old was discovered by the team who snapped up Lana Del Rey (Stranger Records), and she's equally intriguing.
Hangover is my favourite track from her forthcoming Colour My Heart EP, although you should check out the title track, too.
7) Little Mix - Move (dance version)
This "dance edit" of Little Mix's video is a curate's egg. The choreography is great - but the editing is all over the place. They're singing! Now they're not singing! Now they're singing the wrong bit! And now they're in the dark for no good reason! Weird.
Oh, and if you haven't read it, here's my interview with the band, which went up on the BBC earlier this week.
8) Metronomy - I'm Aquarius
I'm Aquarius is a low-key launch for Metronomy's fourth album, Love Letters, which is due next March.
Available through a star-gazing iOS app, you have to scan the night sky for the constellation of Aquarius to make the song magically appear on your phone. Or you could just, er, stream it below.
Right, that's quite enough for one week - and I didn't even have time to mention Rebecca Ferguson's ferocious cover of Roar, or Haim teaming up with Lorde to do Sheryl Crow's Strong Enough. There literally aren't enough hours in the day.
Remember the Lady Gaga vs Katy Perry chart battle? It only happened three weeks ago, but that was before Miley Cyrus stuck her bum in the air and her tongue in a camera, and pop imploded.
So if you've forgotten, here's what happened: Applause and Roar were released in the same week, after a leak prompted Gaga to bring her single forward. Then Katy Perry won - massively.
In fact, Roar outsold Applause by a factor of 2:1 in the US.
People were surprised - but Buzzfeed's Matthew Perpetua had a fantastically insightful, concise explanation.
Part of the reason Gaga’s song is leaving audiences cold is because, like most of her material, the song is entirely about being Lady Gaga. To fully enjoy Applause you need to buy into her stardom and be invested in her increasingly elaborate mythology.
Perry’s Roar, on the other hand, is a thoroughly generic song about self-affirmation and triumph over adversity, and though you can map the details of her personal life on to it, it’s just as easy to imagine the song being about you. Perry consistently aims for universal sentiments in her songs, and this is a big part of why she’s had significantly more success on the charts. Her hits have less cultural baggage, and far more utility.
It seems so simple, doesn't it? Be likeable. Be relatable. But artist after artist gets it wrong.
Perhaps it's not their fault. We're trained, in a post-Madonna era, to think that pop should be edgy, shocking, exciting. But it's easy to forget Madonna's career hit rock bottom when she extrapolated the success of Justify My Love (naughty, sexy) into Erotica (joyless, debauched).
A colleague at Radio One told me last week that they have trouble playing Ke$ha's music because her trashy image "puts off" a large section of their audience. That's not just an assumption - the station relentlessly tests its playlist with focus groups of real listeners. So when their drivetime host Greg James calls Miley Cyrus "ludicrous", you have to wonder if he's been getting similar feedback on her latest career moves.
With that in mind, let's take a look at the Not The One - the new release from indie-pop kid, and Capitol Records signing, Sky Ferreira.
The song is absolutely excellent: A gritty, scuzzy electro-pop smash, with a guitar line chopped out of Duran Duran's Girls On Film. But she looks unkempt, stand-offish and wasted. She stabs a man in her video. And, with appalling timing, she's just been arrested on suspicion of possession of controlled substances.
The arrest aside, it all seems calculated to make her seem "cool" but instead she comes off as haughty and unlikeable. I hope I'm wrong and Sky, who has a truckload of pop gems in her possession, can sustain a mainstream career. After all, Rihanna shows it's possible to combine rebellion with mass appeal (although I still find her a difficult person to warm to). But somehow, sadly, I doubt it's going to happen.
PS: I know all of the examples above are female - but the argument applies equally well to Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke. Their lyrics are broadly similar (ie misogynist), but Thicke comes off like a creepy sexpest, while JT does everything with a cheeky tip of the hat. The point stands: People want pop stars they can relate to.
I've been dithering around for the last hour or so, trying to find something, anything new to blog about. Nothing seemed to be hitting the spot but, eventually, I stumbled across something that cheered me up no end: It's a video of rap pioneer Egyptian Legend programming his Roland TR-808 drum machine.
No doubt, you've heard of the 808 many times. Beyonce namechecks it in Deja Vu, Outkast extol the virtues of its sub-bass frequencies in I Like The Way You Move, and Madonna informs us that she is compelled to sing "hey-hey-hey like a Girl Gone Wild" when she "hears them 808 drums". As you do.
But have you ever seen what an 808 looks like? They're lovely. Big, chunky prehistoric hunks of plastic that could easily be a cheap knock-off of the 1970s TARDIS console. But they sounded better than they looked, particularly that low and dirty kick drum.
There's also something pleasingly robust about the machines, first produced in 1980. Look at how Egyptian Lover pounds those keys like they're indestructible. I might be able to programme more complex beats on my phone these days, but if I stabbed it that hard my fingers would go through the screen.
The video comes in two parts. First an excerpt from a 1981 documentary:
And then an extended tutorial filmed last month for FACT Magazine. I love how he rolls his sleeves up as he gets ready to programme the kick drum.
There are a lot of adjectives to describe Madonna but spontaneous and carefree are not two of them. Which explains why the video for Turn Up The Radio is one big long cringe.
The "concept" (Madonna's chauffeur puts one of her songs on the radio, Madonna is happy, Madonna has an impromptu party in the back of her car) requires the pop star to interact with real humans and appear to be comfortable in their company. Given that "believable acting" is another phrase not normally associated with Madonna, this was always going to be hard work. I have provided some illustrations below.
Here is Madonna pretending to be excited to meet her fans.
It looks like she is telling them to fuck off.
Here is Madonna pretending to befriend a street dancer.
She looks like she would rather be stung to death by wasps.
Here is a man pretending to be one of Madonna's legion of fans.
He is clearly a security guard.
Here is Madonna pretending to do a laugh.
She looks like she is about to eat an imaginary burger.
Here is Madonna pretending to be sexually aroused by her own thigh.
She looks like she is trying to remove an imaginary ketchup stain from the imaginary burger she ate earlier.
Here is Madonna pretending to have the cleavage of a woman half her age.
Actually, this bit works quite well.
The full five-minute extravaganza but it's posted below for your edification. Handy hint: It's actually very enjoyable if you close your eyes.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is William Orbit, the famed producer behind Nadine Coyle's Unbroken and Ricky Martin's Cuidado Con Mi Corazón.
He may not be instantly recognisable from a photo, but you'd know his music if you stumbled across it: There will be beeps and bloops, there will be synth washes, there will be a tremulous guitar tremulating tremulously.
This week, a couple of Orbit's unfinished and unreleased tracks surfaced online. They're rather good, so I thought I'd flag them up for you.
First up we have three (three!) versions of a song called Liquid Love, originally recorded for Madonna's Music album in 2000. It contains a lot of the same psychedelic sonic signatures as the previous year's Beautiful Stranger, which maybe explains why it was dropped.
Bootlegs have been circling the internet for years - but these new versions got Orbit's seal of approval on his Facebook page the other day. My favourite take is the second one...
The second leaked track was also intended for Madonna but it has a much more interesting provenance. Baby was written and demoed by MIA for this year's MDNA album. It's slower and more melodic than the rapper's usual abrasive polemics - partly thanks to Orbit's sticky fingered remix.
MIA is predictably unhappy about her demo being tampered with. "Who ever LEAKED THAT BABY song should know that ive never heard this version B4 it sounds crazy different 2 wht i worte for madonna." she said, semi-illegibly.
Whatever she thinks, I reckon it turned out rather well.
Due to a mixture of bad luck and missed opportunities, I have only just heard Madonna's new album MDNA for the first time. There are approximately a million reviews already but one incredibly beautiful and talented person told me "yours is the one I'm waiting for". I'm a sucker for flattery, so here are my instant impressions, track-by-track.
1) Girl Gone Wild
It's not an auspicious start. Madonna, icon of female empowerment, has taken inspiration from a series of soft porn films where female college students are encouraged to bear their chests for a cheap necklace. The intended tone is cheeky irreverence, but it comes across as tawdry and nasty. Putting the lyrics aside, if you can, Girl Gone Wild sounds 18 times better on a "proper" stereo than it does on a tinny, compressed YouTube video. Madonna's vocals, in particular, aren't as weak as you think.
Key lyric: "Girls they just want to have some fun / Get fired up like a smoking gun". Is it any good: Yes, just.
2) Gang Bang
A steamy pot-boiler, as Madonna chants over minimalist techno: "I loved you the most, but I was just keeping my enemies close". Bound to be interpreted as a kiss-off to Guy Ritchie, its final scene recalls the video for What It Feels Like For A Girl, which he directed, as a car screeches around town with Madonna screaming "Die Bitch Die" out the window. Surprisingly brilliant.
Key lyric: "If you're going to act like a bitch / then you're going to die like a bitch". Is it any good: Yes.
3) I'm Addicted
This is the one with the MDMA reference, but Madonna's vocals are cut up like an entirely different street drug. The metaphor of love as addiction is as well-worn as Madge's collection of leotards but, if anything, this is the pivotal track on the album - the Queen Of Pop reasserting her dancefloor credentials after a couple of years where, let's face it, she'd gone totally off the boil. There's a nice nod to Donna Summer's I Feel Love in the middle 8, too.
Key lyric: "I need to dance and it feels like a drug". Is it any good: Yes.
4) Turn Up The Radio
A classic major key pop melody, undercut by a series of melancholy chords that suggest Madonna's desire for volume is to drown out her thoughts. Short, sweet, insubstantial, fun.
Key lyric: "I don't know how I got to this state / Let me out of my cage cause I'm dying". Is it any good: It's credible filler.
5) Give Me All Your Luvin'
We know this already. Neither as good as the rabid fans claim, nor as bad as its chart placing would have you believe. While the sugary surf guitar and wobbly dubstep breakdown are diverting, the song is mostly content to sit in a groove without ever going anywhere.
Key lyric: "I'm a barbarian, I'm Conan". Is it any good: Not really, no.
6) Some Girls
Revisiting the vocodery techno sound of Music, this is essentially a list of different types of girls. "Some girls got an attitude", "some girls call the shots", "some girls always get what they wanna, wanna" (this last one might be Rachel Stevens - can someone check?). Then Madonna comes with a big smug grin on her face and says "Some girls are not like me. I never wanna be some girls." What a dick.
Key lyric: "Some girls make a scene / Shoot their mouth and talk obsecne". Is it any good: Yes.
7) Superstar
Another list song - "you're Bruce Lee with the way that you move", "you're like Ceasar stepping onto the throne", "you're James Dean driving in your fast car" etc. Madonna is basically comparing her new boyfriend to a lot of men who died in horrible circumstances - providing a neat circularity with Gang Bang's promise to "see off" her ex-husband. It culminates with the frankly bizarre assertion "you're like Abe Lincoln". Who doesn't want to be told that?
Key lyric: "I'm your biggest fan it's true / Hopelessly attracted to you". Is it any good: Yes.
8) I Don't Give A
Of the "pop" songs on the album, this is the most interesting, production-wise. It's got a mid-tempo chugga-chugga electro rhythm, over which Madonna does a slightly better version of her American Life "soy latte" rap. The lyrical concept is that Madonna is very busy now that she's single: "Wake up, ex-wife / This is your life". She goes on to list some of the horrible things she now has to do all by herself, including connecting the wifi and tweeting on the elevator. It sounds challenging, I think you'll agree.
Key lyric: "Ride my horse / Break some bones". Is it any good: Yes. Especially the extended choral coda.
9) I'm A Sinner
OH HELLO THERE, WILLIAM ORBIT. Madonna's former producer picks up where he left off at the turn of the millennium, recycling the groove from Beautiful Stranger (and the Ultra Violet mix of Ray Of Light). It's familiar but fresh, with Madonna confessing and revelling in her flaws. "I'm a sinner, I like it that way," she boasts. The middle section lists a bunch of ecclesiastical figures - from the martyr Saint Sebastian, who was shot to death with arrows, to the theologian Thomas Aquinas. It's basically a Catholic We Didn't Start The Fire.
Key lyric: "I'm a sinner, I like it that way". Is it any good: Yes, although the first chorus keeps threatening to break into "Everybody Wang Chung tonight".
10) Love Spent
This marks the intersection of Madonna's fascination with European gypsy music and hardcore techno. A dog's dinner, served up on a banjo.
Key lyric: "Frankly if my name was Benjamin, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in". Is it any good: No.
11) Masterpiece
Originally on the soundtrack to W.E., Masterpiece tackles the film's central theme of inadequacy in the face of perfection. Madonna's best ballads are always about desperation and insecurity (think Live To Tell or her desolate cover of Marvin Gaye's I Want You) so this plays to her strengths.
Key lyric: "It hurts so much to be in love with a masterpiece". Is it any good: Yes.
12) Falling Free
After the anger, the pain and the escapism of the proceeding eleven tracks, this is the point where Madonna cleanses herself of the past (ie Guy Ritchie) and vows to start anew. The most mature lyric on the album, it begins with the acknowledgement "when I move a certain way, I feel an ache I've kept at bay". Over the course of the song, Madonna realises she can't demand an explanation for the breakdown of her marriage, concluding: "If I let loose the need to know, then we're both free. Free to go". Over the last few lines, her voice grows deeper and deeper(!), sinking to what I assume is now her natural vocal register. It's the most haunting, moving moment on the record and, just perhaps, a sign of where her writing needs to go next. Beautiful.
Key lyric: ""If I let loose the need to know, then we're both free. Free to go". Is it any good: Yes.
So there you have it. MDNA is a pretty good album, like everyone else said before me. I'd advise splashing out for the deluxe edition, as the bonus tracks are a worthy addition to your library, but I'm going to let you discover their secrets for yourself.
Considering Madonna's recent videography, that's a pretty good effort, isn't it? There's a bit of Voguing, a bit of Sex-era perviness, and a God-bothering spoken word intro: "Oh my God, I’m heartly sorry for having offended thee. And I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pain of hell. But most of all because I love thee, and I want so bad to be good." (although why Madonna thinks "heartly sorry" is an actual phrase in the English language is anyone's guess).
The men responsible are fashion photographers Mert Allas and Marcus Piggot, who also shot the artwork for Madonna's new album MDNA.
And yet... AND YET. This spoof video, which was uploaded to YouTube on Friday, will undoubtedly be the one that comes to mind every time I listen to this single (the visuals have been ripped from the video to Orphic Oxtra's Skeletons Having Sex On A Tin Roof, fact fans)
This popped up on Soundcloud yesterday - the b-side to Michael Kiwanuka's new single, I'm Getting Ready. It's a collaboration with Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys, and it is called Lasan. Almost a textbook definition of "a little bit country", it's (yet another) showcase for the London soul singer's incredibly resonant and tender vocals.
If this wasn't good enough to make it on to his debut album, how awesome and incredible must that album be? Here is a helpful guide:
(That Madonna single is really quite wonderfully terrible, by the way. I shan't post it for the sake of your ears - but here's the link. Brace yourself.)
Madge'n'MIA'n'Minaj (Madgina for short) are performing this at the SuperBowl this weekend... If it's as good as the video, it's going to be spectacular.
If you can't watch the video at work, here are the key frames.
1) Nicki Minaj can't believe her luck.
2) M.I.A. shakes her pom-poms.
3) For Madonna's big entrance, she is pushing a pram, because she is just a regular mum like the rest of us.
4) M.I.A. is left holding the pram because Madonna doesn't really care about children, after all.
5) Bum cheeks.
6) Director instructs the principal vocalists to line up in descending order of height.
7) Cunning perspective trick resembles cut-price version of Lionel Richie's Dancing On The Ceiling.
8) If Madonna entered a Madonna look-alike competition, do you think she would win?
9) Literally no idea what's going on here.
10) Backing dancer has an opportunistic grope.
11) It all ends up at the imaginatively-named "Disco Club".
Give Me Your Love, the new single from Madonna, leaked online yesterday - first as a 15 second clip, then as a full-length demo. With more bubbles than an aero, the song is disarmingly naive - a thoroughbred pop song, as disposable as a used condom.
The audio is below but, in case it gets yanked off the internet by lawyers, here's what to expect.
00:00 - 00:07 It starts with a chant "L.-U- V Madonna / Y-O-U You wanna?". Try not to imagine Madonna looking all sinewy and wizened in a cheerleader's outfit at this point.
00:08 - 00:10 A chugga-chugga bassline kicks in. Madonna sings, "I see you coming and I don't wanna know your name". We are in pop cliché territory, folks, and there's no turning back.
00:28 - 00:32 "Maybe you'll be fine, as long as you don't lie to me". Lying is a recurring lyrical theme in Madonna's recent output - see also Sorry and She's Not Me.
00:41 - 00:45 "Every record sounds the same," sings Madonna, over a backing track that sounds just like Hello by Martin Solveig (who produced this).
00:49 - 00:55 THE CHORUS - If this doesn't gain a large dollop of synth handclaps in the final mix, there is no justice in this world.
01:08 - 01:22 Second verse, same as the first
01:22 - 01:24 "You can be my lucky star". Metatext alert.
01:25 - 01:28 "We can drink some wine, Burgundy is fine, let's drink the bottle every drop". Actually Madonna, I prefer a Sancerre. But if you're buying....
02:00 - 02:13 Nice middle eight section with sampled lyrics and Street Fighter II sound effects.
02:15 - 02:40SOUND THE DUBSTEP WARNING KLAXON. This is just a demo, so all we have are some squelchy fart noises and a slow drum beat, but if this doesn't become a WUB WUB dubstep breakdown I will eat my hat, and a conical bra for dessert.
02:41 - 02:53 Final bridge sung over acoustic guitar. Sounds exactly like Secret.
02:53 - 03:24 Climactic chorus (needs work). Song ends abruptly instead of fading out which is how it should be. Fade-outs are for wimps.
All told, Give Me Your Love is probably the strongest Madonna single, melodically-speaking, since Don't Tell Me 11 years ago. Like many of her recent records it deliberately references her hits from the 1980s and 1990s - whether this is clever writing or a lack of inspiration is up for debate.
Still, this is 100% better than anything on the appallingly bland Hard Candy - and William Orbit is allegedly back on production duties for the album - so hopes are high for 2012.
We have had a full calendar month to get used to the new Christina Aguilera single, readers, and it hasn't got any better. If anything it's deteriorated, like a scrap of food that's got stuck under the sofa and gone so mouldy you can't be sure what it used to be. I mean, it was probably just a crisp - but if that's the case why does it smell so strongly of mackerel?
Anyway, Christina has just unveiled the video for said single, Not Myself Tonight. There is a huge (ie pointless) debate raging about whether she is trying to copy Lady Gaga, but if you ask me the whole enterprise is a 15-rated tribute to Madonna's Express Yourself video. Let's have a look at the evidence:
Blonde woman sees something shocking through her monocle
Woman in catsuit drinks milk from a bowl, like a cat
Bare-chested men dance in the rain, observed from an elevated viewpoint
Inadequately dressed woman removes coat to reveal her BRA!
"Oh no, I have spilt this saucer of liquid all over my shoulder. Clumsy me".
As you can no doubt tell from the screenshots, the Madonna version wins on such factors as lighting, shot composition, artistry, class, iconoclasm and sex appeal. In Christina's favour... erm... er... the picture is sharper??
"Hold up, hold up, hold up," shouted Wyclef Jean five minutes before the end of the Hope For Haiti Now telethon on Friday night. "Enough of the moping, let's rebuild Haiti now!"
If only he'd thought about that message two hours earlier, we'd have been spared some of the music industry's most recognisable names putting on their "serious face" and singing their most po-faced, turgid songs at a funereal pace. If it wasn't Shakira murdering I'll Stand By You, it was Justin Timberlake playing a drowsy version Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah that lasted seven whole years.
Surely the point of these fund-raisers is that the juxtaposition between great, uplifting music and the horriffic human tragedy compels us to pick up the phone and do something. If the stars just sit there sobbing into their mineral water, then the viewers at home will just feel miserable and helpless. (I could be wrong about this, of course, because the televent has raised an encouragingly robust $57m so far).
The only person who seemed to have realised this was Madonna, who judged the mood perfectly with an acoustic choral version of Like A Prayer.
