The Discopop Top 10 singles of 2006

Here it is, then, the Discopop Directory Totally Unbiased Top 10 Singles of 2006. As ever, instead of using any critical faculty, this is completely based on iTunes play counts - plus an amazing little bit of algebra that stops records from the start of the year automatically getting to the top of the list. That's what an AS-Level in maths will do for you, folks.

So, from the top...

1) Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Was there ever any doubt that Maneater would top the list? It's a perfectly crafted pop single, starting off with a massive drumbeat that screams "look at me", which is immediately followed (and this is a measure of just how brilliant the writing is) by the line "Everybody look at me".

Do. You. See. What. They. Did. There? Pure genius.



2) The Raconteurs - Steady As She Goes
I was surprised at this, too. Granted, it toddles along very pleasantly with a crunchy guitar hook and one of those melodies they used to write in olden times, when men rode horses and women had big skirts for the hiding of turnips inside. But the song has probably made its way to the top because it's suitable for every occasion. I've played it in the car, at parties, and in my pyjamas. What a saucepot, eh, viewers?



3) Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
This clearly should have been at number two. I'm currently looking at all that maths and trying to see if I got it wrong somewhere.

I hope I get marks for my working out.



4) Amy Winehouse - Rehab
They tried to make her go to rehab. But do you know what she said? She said NO. Thrice.

What's more, she did it all over a pseudo-Motown funky soul backbeat that made everyone go "oooh, she's not half bad, is she?". Top marks, too, for referencing Donnie Hathaway and Ray Charles.

And did you see Winehouse's fantastic appearance on TV pop quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks???





5) Robyn - Konichiwa Bictches
Shame on you, punters, for not buying this sugary slab of fizzy pop. It's as good as a Wham bar, only on CD. Here's a sample of the words in the song, which are completely nutso-bonkers:

I'll hammer your toe
Like a pediatrician
Saw you in half
Like I'm a magician
Tear you down
Like I'm in demolition
Count you out
Like a mathematician

Luckily for you, its being re-released in 2007. Buy it, and slip into a musical diabetic coma.



6) Beyoncé - Irreplaceable
Let's face it, Beyoncé needed a bloody great ballad in her back catalogue to offset all those gloopy Destiny's Child stinkers. This will duly be her pension fund - a great big kiss-off to a cheating partner with not a small amount of ego in the chorus. "I can have another you in a minute" indeed. Get her.



7) Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Muse generally write ridiculously overblown rock operas that would make Freddie Mercury think: "Actually, that's taking things a bit far", even if he was riding on Liberace's back in a gold lamé jumpsuit at the time. So this three-minute pop song was something of a surprise. Coming on like Britney Spears on one of her dark days, it made Muse fans furious. "It sounds just like a fucking song to dance to when you're at a wedding," fumed one. But isn't that exactly the point, my dear?



8) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Initially, this sounded like every other Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. Seven months on, it still sounds like every Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. But why change a successful formula? In fact, why not just go mental and make a double album of the same song over and over and over again? "Yes, that's what we should do," quoth the Peppers. Marvellous.



9) Nelly Furtado - Promiscous
Hmmm... I suspect this is making an appearance in the Top 10 because its right next to Maneater on Nelly's album, meaning I automatically listen to it at least twice a week. It has a clever lyrical conceit, if you discount all the other duets about a man and a woman chatting each other up - i.e. every duet in history except that one where Nick Cave does away with Kylie Minogues.



10) Girls Aloud - Something Kinda Ooooh
Well, they had to make an appearance, didn't they? The trailer for their hugely successful Greatest Hits album, Ooooh was a proper saucy little dance minx. There was an allusion to the sex act involving the bottom and something about a Toot-toot - which be a veiled reference to a lady's mimsy if I'm not mistaken. Oooh-er.



So, there you have it. If you haven't heard any of these (a) get thee to iTunes forthwith and (b) where have you been all year?

I'll be back in 2007 with my top 10 albums, and a review of Kylie's comeback tour in Wembley. Have a great New Year everyone!

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A year in Discopop

JANUARY
:: Everyone was talking about the Arctic Monkeys and how they used the intertron to become famous. This very quickly became a pattern for mediocre bands who wanted a bit of press coverage.
:: A picture of Mariah Carey looking fat started doing the rounds. It was fake, but that didn't stop people sending it to me every sodding week for the next six months.
:: Promo copies of Nelly Furtado's new material came out, including an unfinished version of Maneater. Nothing else came close all year.

FEBRUARY
:: Lots of people got excited about Betty Boo's comeback single, Wigwam. And then they heard it.
::Prince performed at the Brits. In a year where the Kaiser Chiefs and James Blunt dominated the awards, he was seemingly there just to point out how shit they were.
:: Coldplay announced they were "taking a break" and, God bless them, kept their word.
:: Smash Hits closed. Sniff.

MARCH
:: Michael Jackson was forced to close Neverland after it turned out he wasn't Peter Pan, but a creepy old perv.
:: Regina Spektor sorted herself out and released some proper pop songs, without all the random yelps and warbling that besmirched her previous records. The album, Begin To Hope, was the best one we heard all year. She also did a tour, which we missed. :(

APRIL
:: Nintendo changed the name of their new games console from Revolution to Wii. How we laughed.
:: Take That done a tour and everyone wet their knickers.
:: Simon and Miquita quit Popworld, leaving two talentless shitbags to mug and preen their way through the show formerly known as 'brilliant'.
:: The Cardigans were ace. And so were The Sugababes v3.0

MAY
:: We saw a French lady called Camille on the TV and liked her a lot. Even though she wrote on her face with eyeliner.
:: Girls Aloud brought an asthma roadie on tour, along with some excellent songs and ropey costumes. We did a review.
:: The BBC's Storyfix team used some Discopop music on their podcast, and lots of people turned up to download it (from here). They never came back, though. Ungrateful bastards.
:: Janet Jackson released an internet-only exclusive song as a precursor to her rubbish new album. Precisely two people gave a shit. Another three gave a rat's ass.

JUNE
:: There was a football competition called the World Cup and people went a bit nuts.
:: Kimberley out of Girls Aloud ate forty-seven kilograms of cocaine wrapped up in a pancake, or something.

JULY
:: Top of the Pops was cancelled. Double sniff.
:: Kylie, who had been sick, stopped being sick and announced a string of comeback concerts. They sold out like hot buns during a hot bun shortage in bun appreciation month.
:: The Arctic Monkeys won the Mercury and Girls Aloud won the Popjustice. Nobody was surprised at either result.
:: An offhand comment from mrsdiscopop comparing the Pet Shop Boys to a Nintendo game made about 5,000 people visit the site in a day. How queer.

AUGUST
:: Jamelia came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that people had stopped caring in the interim. Poor Jamelia.
:: The Killers came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that everyone had begun to seriously over-rate them in the interim.

SEPTEMBER
:: We liked Mitchell and Webb's new comedy programme. That's Numberwang!
:: Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Except he's a minger with the cold, dead eyes of a murderer.
:: Banksy did naughty things to Paris Hilton's CD, the scamp.

OCTOBER
:: Gwen Stefani announced her comeback. Everyone covered their ears and ran away screaming.
:: Madonna kidnapped a baby from Africa then pretended to be surprised when people were upset. Silly Madonna.
:: Mel Gibson had a drink and said some naughty things about the Jews, then pretended to be sorry when people were upset. Naughty Mel.

NOVEMBER
:: Matt Willis ate a bumhole on the telly, and he still couldn't make anyone buy his records.
:: Michael Jackson went to an awards show and said he wasn't going to sing. The organisers shoved a children's choir on the stage and he couldn't help following them out. A lot of people were very angry because he was not doing Thriller, although I personally thought it was very creepy.
:: Girls Aloud put out a Greatest Hits album and it went to number one. Everyone decided they were quite good after all and the band decided not to split up just yet. Result!

DECEMBER
:: A newly single Britney Spears showed us her minge. Over and over and over again.
:: Lots of people bought a Wii and broke their telly.
:: Jordan and Peter's album got some of the best reviews in the world... ever.

Wow - I could have just done this post and slept for the rest of the year. Anyway, thanks to anyone who came along and read this humble blog in 2006. I'll try to put up my top ten singles and albums next week - but if I don't manage it, have a great Chrimbo and a swingorilliant New Year.

mrdiscopop

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I just want to be Mii

One of the best things about the Wii is the little application that lets you make a character based on yourself (called a Mii) which can then be dragged into games, sent to other people's Wiis over the internet or loaded onto your remote so you can bring it round to your mate's house and beat up his Mii on Wii Sports Boxing. It's quite a simple application, but I've already spent about six hours messing around with it.

It seems I'm not the only one. A blog called kottke has been running a competition to find the best celebrity Mii. Here are some of my favourites:


Left to right: Charlie Brown, Hannibal Lecter Jack Black, Woody Allen,

If anyone wants to send their Miis to, erm, me you can register my console with the following details
Wii number: 1009 2440 7878 8115
Nickname: mrdiscopop

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Is this Liz Hurley's Christmas Card?

Probably not - surely she can afford a better Photoshop artist than the girl down at Snappy Snaps - but a small part of me really hopes it is.

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Mild mannered janitor - RIP

Joseph Barbera, who invented all of the above cartoon characters - plus Hong Kong Phooey, Tom and Jerry, and about 85 others - has died aged 95.

I'd wax lyrical here about how much I love the work he did with fellow animator William Hanna, but somebody's already paid me good money to do it (the fools!). Read it here: Hanna Barbera's Golden Age of animation

The only thing missing from the article is the opening titles to Hong Kong Phooey, so here you go:

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New Arcade Fire song - radio rip

Here is a brand new song from creepy Canuck anthem-merchants The Arcade Fire, as premiered on Zane Lowe's Radio One show last week.

The band's last album, Funeral Songs, was a corking mix of overblown guitars, impassioned vocals and violins played right on that line that separates "powerful" from "screeching noise". It was nothing short of utter brilliance.

The new song, Intervention, continues in exactly the same vein - but with the added excitement of a church organ (woooh!). It probably won't be a single - the intro is far too long for radio - but it's already got me excited about the band's new album, Neon Bible.

Have a listen by clicking on this chuffing link right here

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Internet toy of the day

...is called pikipimp, which allows you to deface any picture you want with silly moustaches and garish jewellery. Thus:

Seconds of fun are literally guaranteed.

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Rock and Roll Christmas

Here is the Killers' Chrimbo tune, which is rather special and tinsel-y:

Now go and buy it. Not only do you get a smashing single, you also help the RED campaign against Aids in Africa. It's a win-win situation.

tiny update: click here to buy this song from iTunes or, if you don't have iTunes, to make your PC freeze for five minutes.

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Wiiview*

I've had my Wii for a week now and, while I haven't been able to spend as much time getting used to it as I would have liked, my initial impressions are very favourable indeed.

When it arrived last Friday, Amazon had kindly omitted to include the games I ordered, so my first experiences were solely based on Wii Sports - which is bundled with the console.

The five sport simulations are more proofs of concept than in-depth gaming experiences, but they showcase the versatility of the Wii's motion sensitive controllers perfectly. Playing tennis, in particular, is incredibly intuitive. A flick of the wrist makes your on-screen character thwack the ball and there is an instant sense of connection and immersion that I've never experienced before with a video game. This is Nintendo's unique selling point, of course, but I do wonder whether it will give grist to the mill of campaigners who say video games encourage violent behaviour in children.

While the tennis game is pleasantly broad in it's interpretation of your movements, the golfing game require a bit more precsision. I have to say the controls seem somewhat more fiddly and less responsive in this scenario - and it can prove frustratingly difficult to make delicate putts. It seems that subtlety is not the Wii's strong point.



After a brief weekend visiting the in-laws, I returned to find two more games on my doorstep. The first of these, Zelda: Twilight Princess, is Nintendo's so-called "triple-A" title for the console's release. Now, I've never really gelled with the Zelda series before - it always seemed a bit to dungeons and dragons for someone who prefers the company of humans to that of orcs and elves. But I have to say this installment has won me over. The plot is typically geeky (someone steals the daylight and you have to get it back) but the game draws you in like a seductive whisper.

The graphics are superb, too, drawing on a beautifully muted colou palette. It's hard to see why people are complaining about the Wii's graphical inferiority when you look at this game which, to my mind, is on par with early Pixar films.

Zelda also puts paid to any qualms about the Wii's control mechanism in traditional games. Control stick movements are smooth, while the energetic sword-play fits in seamlessly. I still find myself searching for the second analogue controller on occasion as I attempt to swing the camera round, but I expect I'll lose that instinct very quickly.

The final game, which I'll only mention briefly, is Rayman Raving Rabbids. It's basically a collection of mini games, in the style of Wario Ware, with a Python-esque sense of mischief. It had me laughing so hard I was unable to hold the controller.



So is the Wii the future of gaming? To be honest, it's not going to please everyone, but it is a brilliantly capable machine. I've never played games this accomplished so early in a console's lifetime - so it'll be interesting to see how things develop, particularly when it's multiplayer online games launch (that's you, Mario Kart). Hardcore gamers will probably want an Xbox or PS3 sitting under their TV but this is the machine you'll be coming back to with your friends.

* Enough of these dreadful puns for now, yes?

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Reading material and pop trivia

Pitchfork runs through the worst album covers of 2006. Including this one:

Shakira is finally coming to play a concert in the UK, after winning every Latin music award available - plus three more she invented in her mind. Tickets go on sale at this address tomorrow at 9am.

The world's tallest man has saved a dolphin by ramming his arm down its throat and retrieving a bit of plastic it had swallowed. It's really true. Scout's honour.

Download an MP3 of Beyonce's Irreplaceable in Spanish and convince your housemates the stereo has gone on the blink. Altogether now: "Ya lo ves, ya lo ves".

Popjustice is giving away Lily Allen's Chopper.

Girls Aloud run through their political views in The Spectator. They're anti-war, pro-grammar school and support high taxation, apparently. Cheryl's going to get some flak for saying she only votes for Labour because "me mam does", but isn't that how most people choose their political affiliation? Except Hitler, of course.

Get some free mash-ups courtesy of Hop's MP3 Thingamajig. Regardless of their quality, the titles are ace: 99 Voodoo Children and Control, Bloody Control are my two favourites.

After all the reports of gamers breaking their TV screens, lampshades and faces with their Nintendo Wii controller, this guy has found a way to make the wrist strap more secure. Handcuffs.

PS: I'm hoping to get round to writing a proper review of the Wii tomorrow. But I doubt you'll be surprised to hear me say this: It is fabberoo.

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Crikey!

It's only Girls Aloud, who have gone all radical for the new edition of NME! Does this expose the 'new direction' the band will be taking on their post-greatest hits career? Somehow, I think not.

Note that Nicola is gets to play the drums - which is traditionally where bands hide their ugliest member. Harsh.

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Kelly Clarkson - Vandal!

I'm on a brief pre-Christmas shopping holiday, so today's post is just a quickie: good-as-gold Kelly Clarkson vandalising Evanasence singer Amy Lee's Hollywood mansion!


(The good bit is about 3 minutes in)

Okay, it's a lame prank from some sort of MTV 'reality' show, but it is notable for Kelly calling out some goatee-bearded nu-rock greasers for knowing the lyrics to her debut single, A Moment Like This. She points out that the song is "lame" and they are "losers". Can someone pass this memo on to the winner of the X Factor, who will be releasing the very same song next week? Thank you.

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Parish notice

Apologies to those of you who read Discopop Directory using the rss feed. I upgraded to the new version of blogger and spent this morning adding labels to the website's archives, with the unintentional result that everything's gone a bit haywire. Hopefully the feeds will correct themselves in a bit.

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While I wait for Royal Mail to deliver my Wii...

...I came across a very interesting analysis of Take That's comeback from regular reader Keli. For those of you who never read the comments on the blog (and why should you?) I'll reprint it below:

Take That [never] had much appeal to me in the first place. My theory on why Take That are doing so well again is that people have short memories, and can only remember "Back For Good" (quite a passable, if somewhat plodding, pop ballad) and possibly their cover versions ("It Only Takes A Minute", "How Deep Is Your Love", "Could It Be Magic"...)

Most people conveniently seem to have forgotten that all the rest of their output was tepid cack of the highest order... the production on "Never Forget" is so embarrassingly dated I cringe, and don't get me started on "Babe". And newie "Patience", whilst at least one notch above Gary Barlow's usual dogsh*t sandwich songwriting, makes James Blunt's "Back To Bedlam" sound exciting and edgy.

I've been avoiding the rest of the new album, although it may not be so terrible if the other members have hand a hand in the writing. I actually quite like much of Mark Owen's various solo output.

I have a feeling this post may not endear me to some people. Ah well. If anyone wishes to construct a logical counterargument I'll listen... as long as I don't have to listen to more of their bloody records, that is.

Keli's quite right. Take That experienced a massive critical re-evaluation soon after Back For Good and suddenly became national treasures. Prior to that, if I remember correctly, they were a laughing stock outside the 15-year-old girl demographic.

He's spot on about the production values of their music, too. The band famously had one week in the studio for each album. Maybe Beyoncé can get away with that, but that's because she hires the world's most expensive producers and whips them until they weep hits onto a silver platter. Take That never had that sort of budget - although I'm pretty sure they had the S&M gear. Funnily enough, they secured the services of top US producer John Shanks for the new album.

I disagree with Keli about Never Forget, though. The single version is appalling, but only because of a shockingly self-indulgent remix by Jim fucking Steinman. The album mix - slightly less bombastic, and free of the creepy children's choir - is quite a gem. Good lyrics, too, for a pop band.

Although I was never particularly a fan, my two younger sisters loved Take That. As a consquence I have seen all of their tours on video countless times (in between repeat showings of Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman) and I have to say they are one of the best live acts the UK have ever produced. They were totally committed to their shows, and the the dance routines in particular were breathtaking. From what I saw on ITV last week they're still on top of their game, putting today's pop stars to shame (I'm looking at you, The Sugababes).

We've both gotten a bit over-excited by this, haven't we?

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What's the 411 point?

This week, Mary J Blige released a greatest hits album. As with many artists releasing such compilations this year, she's hoping to make it stand out from the crowd by employing a 'theme'. U2 chose their 18 favourite singles; Oasis selected the songs they feel best represent their career (basically everything they recorded between 1994 and 1995 and about two other tracks); and the Beatles released the sort of megamix album that was popular for about ten minutes in 1986.

Mary J, however, hit on a truly unique marketing ploy: She left off all of her hit singles.

Okay, that's not quite true, Family Affair and No More Drama are on there. But the rest? Oh, dear. Four dreary new songs, an unnecessary duet with Wyclef and a re-recorded version of My Life where she replaces all the angsty drama of the original with a "I've been to therapy and I'm okay now, really" lyric.

Of the hits she's chosen to include, we get the one where she ruins Stevie Wonder's As and the one where she ruins U2's One. We do not get the one where she doesn't ruin Aretha's You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman) and there is no sign of actual classics like Everything, Love Is All We Need and Mary Jane.

Perhaps this is all a stunning admission that you can buy all her best bits off iTunes and burn your own CD. But, frankly, you'd be better off with Jamiroquai's album instead.

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Play safe, kids

Which of the following two images from Nintendo's saftey manual for the Wii console is real and which is fake?




Wrong! They're both for real! Quite why Nintendo thinks anyone would be willing to put a shamrock in their gamehole is quite beyond me, but maybe the Japanese are more litigious than I previously imagined.

Kotaku has grabs of all the illustrations from the safety manual, while theiconfactory has created some fake ones and loaded them up to Flickr. They are almost as funny as the real ones.



PS: 2 days to go! 2 days to go!!

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Get reading

Some links from the world of the internet to keep you entertained this Tuesday.

::George Clooney loses his closest personal friend and frequent bed partner - a pig called Max. No, really.

::Amerie kills a senator, wears ill-fitting stockings, in her new music video.

::Janet Jackson finds ten grand down the back of her sofa. That's about $9,000 more than she got from sales of her last album.

::John Peel gives advice on how to break into radio, courtesy of fansite John Peel Every Day.

::Beyoncé is giving voice to the "desperation and aspiration in contemporary black women's popular culture" and "challenges century-old American myths about race, class and gender", according to the most pretentious album review in the history of the written word.

::Rip Torn, arrested on a drink-driving charge, gives the mug shot of the year, his raised eyebrow suggesting: "You think I care about this? My agent is calling David Letterman right now, shitbags".

::A voucher for free booze! Or, at least, 40% off your stash of eggnog courtesy of Threshers. (Yes, it is real)

::Britney Spears rounds off the week she spent flashing her lady garden at the paparazzi by dancing badly, and for no reason, in a restaurant. Doesn't she have a two-month old baby at home?

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Dirty to the bone

The world's oldest boyband, Take That, have the number one single and album! Well done, pop purchasers of the UK (let's just brush over the stifling mediocrity of the whole enterprise for now, shall we?)

While you're back in the mood for buying fantastic records by proper pop stars, let's not forget that Jamelia has a new single out today and it is flumping brilliant.



Buy it here and do it quickly, before this dribbling shit of a song takes over the world.

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You have to understand why it's so great

Earlier this week, I referred to Peter Andre and Jordan's record as the sound of two squirrels fighting in a tin bucket. I was wrong.

How do I know? The reviewers at Amazon told me. Here is what they say.



When I learned of the making of this album, I had a very predictable reaction. "Eurgh!" I thought, and spewed coffee onto my keyboard, which has never been quite the same since. "This album will surely be appalling."

Readers, do not be taken in as I was. Hearing it by chance, I can now affirm that "A Whole New World" is indeed what it suggests. Yes, it is literally a whole new world - and not one of unimaginable pain and impressively talentless airheads, but a beautiful, faintly arousing one.
Ingrid

When you hear great music you have to understand why it's so great. When you hear Jordan and Peter together, you understand immediately what they're about. This isn't about the money, this isnt about the mass of press and media attention that will be lavished upon them, this isn't a cash in on their, supposedly, fading star capabilities. Anyone who believes that is clearly a paedophile. No, this is about two people who love each other very much and want to tell you a love story at the low, low price of £8.99.
MR MD Evans

I first heard this album while out walking my pet crocodile and felt a sudden urge to sink to my knees and thank the Lord above that at last someone had come along to rescue me from the hell of modern music. Katie Price has the voice of a glamour model with a London accent, when she sings you can almost hear her. Peter Andre is an Adonis of a man. When he sings, cats dance and plaster falls from the walls. His Greek/Antipodean roots bring out the earthy soul in his velvety tones that only a bartender or chain smoker can usually render. This is the best album ever made and you bloody know it.
Simply The Pest

History has traditionally provided the ingredients, but it always took a bit of je ne sait quoi to put them together in way that fits the ear-hole like a glove. In the melting pot of the south in America, the black population drew on ingredients from Irihs music, jewish music, carribean music and elsewhere to produce the musical language of communication called JAZZ. But presenting the right ingredients doesn't always mean you'll create the right product. What if, for example, cake and cheese came together to form Cake Cheese in instead of Cheesecake?

Elements of chance and elements of magic will always be required to create something beautiful from its components, so how much of this must have been needed to create something musically beautiful when combining the talents of a glamour girl and muscle man? On the face of it, lots, it would seem. But A Whole New World has done just that.

It's not perfect. In fact, it could be a lot better. But it's the foundation stone upon which a new human emotion will be built.
Fatty Fatty Aeroplanes

I have heard the phrase "voice of an angel" many times and now I can truly, hand on heart, say that I too have been blessed with this aural pleasure. I have just listened to this at work and I am frankly having difficulty writing this review, as the screen is slightly blurry due to the tears of joy I have wept. A torrent of salty rivers, which signal my approval of the talents of Katie and Peter. I look forward with eager anticipation to future releases from the new double act that has Britain entrapped within its spell, as a spider has entrapped a fly.
Steve

It is touching that people can see behind the tabloid facade and appreciate Jordan and Peter's album for the sublime masterpiece it is. I wish them well.

Read all the reviews on Amazon

Thanks to Jon C at Not BBC for alerting me!

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