Become a slum landlord!

This is a fantastic idea -- Live Monopoly!



One game takes 24 hours... You get £15m to spend on property in London, then you pick one of 18 GPS enabled taxis as your playing piece.



Every time a rival cab passes one of your properties, they pay you rent. Every time your cab lands on another player's property, you have to pay them rent.



At the end of the day, the person with the most money wins! There are even some London-based prizes, including the underwhelming "free meal at Nandos every month for a year". (For those of you who don't know, Nandos is a restaurant that only serves one item - chicken. They add a service charge to your bill, even though it's self-service. It is the worst place on earth.)



Unfortunately, unlike real Monopoly, this game doesn't allow you to cheat by nicking all the £500 notes when the other players are at the loo.

Monopoly Live

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All your suits are custom-made in London

Back in the 90s, we were fascinated by Madonna's pointy bra.

What was she keeping in there? Nobody really knew, but we reckoned it was either a crucifix or a pyramint.

How wrong we were. Because, according to a 'source' on this website, Madonna likes to store pink crystals in her knocker-holster.

What a pervy old minx.

Sympatico / MSN Entertainment: News

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Two quick reads for Friday

Pete Townshend on the Jacko trial, getting txts from Geldof, and his haircut in 1985.

If you're hiding in a portaloo with the hope of sneaking into Glastonbury, don't triumphantly leap out of the can before you're inside the fence!

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Baby can I hold you (and perform an emergency medical manoevre on you) tonight?

So Ronan Keating is good for something, after all...

At a recent charity event, he came up behind one of his fans, wrapped his manly arms around her waist, and grasped her firmly.

With a sudden upwards thrust, and a filthy grunt... he performed the Heimlich manouevre, dislodging a piece of bread from her gullet.

What did you think we meant? Honestly, your minds are in the gutter.

If you can't wait to get your hands on the new Goldfrapp single, Fluxblog has a naughty mp3 of it. But you have to promise to buy the real thing on August 8th, or we shall be very, very angry with you.

On a side note - doesn't the cover for the single look eerily similar to the artwork for Sophie Ellis-Bextor's last album?

Click on the image for more Goldfrappé, via their official website.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" has topped a list of memorable movie quotes by the American Film Institute. Imagine how different things would have been if they'd gone with the alternative: "Frankly, my indifference is boundless."

Some positive news from the Kylie camp. Australian fans have been told to hold on to their tickets because her live shows may still be rescheduled.

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News squelch

Janet Jackson apologised for her lack of humour when Alan Cumming made reference to her 'wardrobe malfunction' at an awards ceremony the other night.

"I'm going to leave the jokes to the late-night (comics), if that's okay," she told the audience.

Jackson is currently appearing as a pole-dancer in her boyfriend's new video.

Speaking of Cumming (ho-ho), the actor won't be appearing in the new X-Men film, according to his website. So, having lost a director and a key member of the cast, will this film be any cop? Our movie correspondent (a Super 8 ball we found in Oxfam) says "Heck, no!"

Melanie B is blocking a Live 8 Spice Girls renuion, says Bob Geldof.

Talking to Richard and Judy, he divulged that Scary Spice "has difficulty going back to something she did in the past". What, like being successful?

Download an exclusive Missy Elliot / Neptunes track (but only if you subscribe to Atlantic Records email spam list).

Whaddayknow? Alicia Silverstone got hitched! Awwww.

Nothing says "my album is fucking awful" better than re-releasing it with a handful of new songs and a couple of videos does it, 'Fiddy'?

Least surprising news of the day? Beyoncé already has some solo work lined up. Couldn't she at least have kept it quiet until Michelle and Kelly had had the chance to visit the job centre?

Incredulous quote of the day?
"Kids are so thick these days." (Noel Gallagher)

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You can't handle the juice

Tom Cruise hasn't been doing himself any favours recently, what with the mad shouting, the jumping up and down, the wrestling with Oprah, and the vampirical 'relationship' with Katies Holmes' credibility.



But we have to admit he comes off quite well from the whole squirting-water-in-his-face incident. His reactions seem almost human. You can even imagine sharing his indignation.



Luckily, tvgasm have redubbed the whole incident as though it were porn, robbing Cruise of his dignity all over again. Hooray!



Now we can go back to deciding who should replace Katie on our laminated list.

TVgasm: Show Me The Money (Shot)!

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Shudder

In an eerie piece of foreshadowing, Katie Holmes stands in front of a bat-infested Eiffel Tower earlier this week.

Only two days later, Tom Cruise proposes to her atop the (conveniently phallic) monument, thereby sucking the blood out of Holme's career like a vampire.

Bitter, us?

Destiny's Child make one final push for album sales before they disappear for ever by joining Philadelphia's Live 8 bill. Meanwhile Status Quo are reduced to begging Bob Geldof to let them play. Just like they begged Radio 1 to play their records, and their guitar teacher to show them where to put their fingers for Em7.

Yawn! EMI plan to introduce copy protection to their CDs which will limit you to burning three copies of any one song onto a complation CD. Except, they admit, its not foolproof. So what's the point?

Stuntmen have been throwing themselves down the steps and running through big piles of cardboard boxes at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Why? Because they want a new Oscar category for stuntwork. We hope the Academy agrees, then calls it "Best fucking explosion," or something.

What's it like to have to cater to the demands of trumped-up teenage tartlet Lindsay Lohan on the set of a movie? One man spills the beans.

Lohan's top diva moment is refusing to rehearse because she's "waiting for the FBI to call." It happens to us all...

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Brushing Your Afro: The CD

The votes are in, and now we can reveal the tracklisting for the Discopop Directory onanism compilation album.

We're just in time for you to burn a copy for Father's Day, too!

Here we go:



1) Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-ling
While the single is unsubtle enough, you should really dig out the live version for the extra hand-job related lyrics:
"We did it in the kitchen!
"We did it in the hall!
"I got some on my fingers
"So I wiped it on the wall!"

2) The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
No further explanation needed.

3) Prince - Darling Nikki
It's really about a one-night-stand with a kinky sex-mistress, but worth including for the line "I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine". If you're a purist, here are a few other Prince songs you can choose from: Tambourine, Jack U Off, Pheremone.

4) Semisonic - Get a Grip on Yourself
Although it seems to be a light-hearted ode to cracking one off ("Get a grip on yourself take my advice. I got a grip on myself and it feels nice"), Semisonic get extra kudos for the plaintive observation that this is "the loneliest kind of love".

5)The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
6)The Vapors - Turning Japanese
Two classics, back-to-back.

7)U2 - Babyface
A sticky-fingered ode to the slow-mo button on your video recorder.

8)Tori Amos - Icicle
Bonus sacrilege points for Tori, whose song is not just about flicking the bean - but doing it at church!

9) Billy Joel - Captain Jack
"Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
You just sit at home and masturbate".

10) Green Day - Longview
Helpfully dispelling the rumours that stroking the salami makes you go blind. Thanks, chaps.

11)The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
12)Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
The 12" version contains some extra lyrics in the fade-out…
"Don't procrastinate
Don't want to have to masturbate".

13)Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

14)The Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
"Big hands, you know you're the one".

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Random thoughts for a Thursday afternoon

Ever imagined what it would be like if you had a man-sized hamster wheel? Well, you need wonder no more...

Quote of the day is Madonna on her early career: "Sometimes I was being overtly sexual for the sake of showing off.". Really? Because we hadn't noticed.

The new Sugababes album"will piss over anything else released in the next five years", says Popjustice. However, it appears to have a cover of Animotion's Obsession (you're an obesssion, you're my obsession, what do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me). The jury is out, but we'll hold a highly inappropriate press conference once we've reached a verdict.

This year's amihotornot is called isitnormal. The website gives you your very own chance to act as agony aunt/uncle to people with quandries like this one:
"I am a guy and I love to wear nylons and pantyhose but I am def. not gay. I do this habit because I like the feel of them on my leggs. I wanted to know if it is normal and if I should be worried and does any other guys wear nylons?"

On a related note, why spend some amusing moments doing a google search on "I'm definitely not gay, but…"

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Summer Burn 2005

Here's a great idea for sharing music, without getting the RIAA breathing down your neck (possibly).

Funjunkie.com are asking people to make a 2-disc compilation of summer songs to send to each other, all in the spirit of discovering new music and being awesome to one another.

All you do is burn your compilation onto CD, and let the lovely people at funjunkie know about it. Then, on the first day of summer (June 21st, fact fans) they'll email you to tell you where to send your discs. At the very same time, someone else will get an email with your address on it... and you'll get a mystery compilation from them!

You can put any music you want on the discs -- so shall we send the Discopop Directory "Greatest Autoerotic Love Songs In The World... Ever!" album as part of our gift package?

Of course we will!

FunJunkie! The Summer Burn 2005

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Invincible

How many of these Michael Jackson headlines have made it into your newspaper?

PS - Full marks to the man who writes the ticker on BBC News 24, for telling us "Jury reached verdict after considering evidence".

Gawker.com - Lock Up Your Children: Michael Jackson Innocent

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Are they or aren't they?

So now we know why Destiny's Child sounded so hollow and devoid of emotion when they sang "I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls".

No, they're not lifeless megalomaniac super-robots (although no-one's proved otherwise yet). Destiny's Child are splitting up.

Except they've told the BBC that they're not.

Perhaps, then, Kelly Rowland's statement that the band's show in Barcelona "would be their last appearance in Europe" means the DC are retiring to the studio, Beatles-style, to record a mind-melting psychedelic album about a group of three indestructible android singers who take over the planet.

Let's hope so.

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

The BBC got it wrong, and DC will cease to exist after all. Let's just recap their story, which has now been removed from the website:

"A spokeswoman for their record company, Sony/BMG, said it was "not true", adding group member Kelly Rowland did not make an announcement at a concert."

The spokesperson went on to say the earth is flat, bears cannot defecate in or around the woods, and Tom Cruise is having an actual relationship with Katie Holmes.

The members of the Child will now pursue "personal goals," which in the very near future will include playing on her Nintendo Gameboy (Michelle), crying into a cup of tea (Kelly) and becoming the most successful female act of all time (Beyoncé).

VH1.com Destiny's Child Announce Split

BBC News: Oh no they don't

Billboard.com: Oh yes they do

DestinysChild.com: Hello! We've just announced a North American tour

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When I Think About You...

Songfacts.com is a treasure-trove of trivia about pop music. Most of the information is of the "the lyrics were inspired by..." variety, but in the grand tradition of the internet you can use it to discover rude things about sex.



For example, they reckon there are nine songs dedicated to the art of solo love, of both salami-stroking and parrot's toungue variety.



Only nine? I'm sure we can come up with a few more than that. U2's "Babyface" and Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls" spring to mind... So let's see if we can compile a hand shandy soundtrack album. Send your ideas to stickyfingers@discopop.co.uk by next Friday.

Songfacts: Songs about masturbation

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Crappy Bootleg DVD covers

There's a touch of brilliance about this pirate DVD cover for "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind", in particular the disarmingly honest quote they've added to the packaging.



You can see more bootleg covers over at flickr.com, and you can even upload your own (not that we think any of our dear readers would be supporting organised crime, or whatever, by buying cheap DVDs).



It's also gratifying to see the bootleggers putting fantasy cast listings onto the covers. Here at Discopop Towers we'd especially like to see Star Wars with Ben Affleck, and Catch Me If You Can starring Bruce Willis.

Flickr: The Crappy Bootleg DVD covers Pool

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Nail hit on head

A superb review of the White Stripes new album points out why musicians who try to 'keep it real' are selling themselves short - because reality isn't as important as melody, arrangement and songcraft.

Which is the main reason why pop will always be better than indie, even though we quite like "Get Behind Me Satan," really.

Sample quote:

"Blue Orchid" was recorded only two weeks before it was released. These constraints are evidence that White thinks and reflects on his craft, and they certainly create a distinct White Stripes 'brand,' but how much of this hokum helps the band make music or exploit White's gifts? Is working fast necessarily a good thing? Is it as good for us as it is for him?"

The New Yorker: Jack White's vexing brilliance

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Isn't this disgraceful?

Brad and Angie play happy families for a US magazine photoshoot. Has no-one any dignity any more?

Radiohead won't be playing at Live 8
But there's no need to worry about the lack of angst-ridden avant-garde guitar music, as McFly have signed up for the Socttish gig. Yay!

Stevie Wonder has a new son. Celebrity procreation isn't all that interesting - but this is his seventh son. No wonder he's not been putting a great deal of effort into his music for the last 20 years.

Pitchfork has a great article on music in video games.

The government is to consider doubling the copyright period on pop music to 100 years. It's a ridiculous idea - no composer is going to live long enough to keep collecting royalties for that amount of time.

The record companies, of course, say the money will be invested in finding new bands. Translation: "Our business plans are fucked, we're losing money hand over fist, Elvis' recordings are about to become copyright free. Help, help help!"

And the government is bending over backwards to help extend the monopoly of the four multinationals who run the industry. Shame on them.

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Brad's Blonde Barnet

So it was a mid-life crisis, after all.

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Breaking News: Liam Gallagher is a tosser

Liam Gallagher slips up! "No wonder they're the biggest band in the world," he says of U2 (while calling them wankers, of course).

Wait a minute -- we thought Oasis were supposed to be the biggest band in the world?

It turns out we'd heard it wrong. They're the biggest band of fuckwits in the world.

No Rock and Roll Fun have a good old rant about Live 8's relevance;

"If [Gordon Brown has] already made up his mind, what is the aim of the concert?", they ask, "Unless he's saying 'A Spice Girls reunion will mean we'll write off all the debt of Benin'".

Cameron Diaz sues the National Enquirer over allegations she's been kissing other boys. Which gives us a nice opportunity to link to her supposed lover's weblog where he tells his wife "If I was hooking up with CD you'd have been the first one I high-fived."

Britney's bump.

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Music and Pictures

The Director's label has just announced a new set of DVDs for the autumn, featuring some of the best music videos of the past 20 years.



There's a fair selection of iconic promos - Jamiroquai's Virtual Insanity, Johnny Cash's Hurt and Alanis Morisette's Ironic (?)



Tantalisingly, the DVD featuring the work of Mark Romanek offers a few Director's Cuts, including Jay-Z's 99 Problems (the one where he gets shot) and the most expensive video ever made - Michael Jackson's Scream.



No word on what the Director's cut entails, but let's hope it's not just removing the pixellation when Janet gives us the finger.



Fnar.

Directors Label

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Shrodinger's Cool For Cats

In Quantum Physics, there is a theory that the act of observing something happening causes a change in the thing being observed. "A watched kettle never boils" is probably not an example - but you get the idea.

So, what happens when you point a microphone at, say, Coldplay and start to record what they're doing? Ignoring the fact that Chris Martin isn't a quantum particle (although I'd bet he'd like to be), are you changing the very nature of what they do by observing/recording their music?

Funnily enough, there's an article in the New Yorker suggesting that this is exactly what happens.

Over the last 100 years, for example, violinists have increasingly used vibrato. The reason the technique came to prominence is that it gave the instrument a fuller sound amongst the crackly grooves of vinyl. These days, vibrato is ubiquitous, even outside the recording studio.

Pop music fares a little better, as it uses the techniques of the studio to keep it fresh -- although we've all heard amazing live acts sound flat and lifeless on CD.

Perhaps the biggest danger for pop is when bands get more interested in the studio than they do in playing together.

Blur's "13" is a case in point - most of the songs on that album are patchwork recordings pieced together in ProTools by William Orbit. It's an interesting piece of art - at the expense of having actual songs.

So, there you have it, a link between pop music and quantum physics.

But where's Dean Stockwell to make it all better?

Oh boy.

The New Yorker: THE RECORD EFFECT by ALEX ROSS

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Sometimes, only a blurry photo will do

A very belated "Wow" is due, after Girls Aloud's concert in Hammersmith last Saturday.

I've linked a couple of the official photos below - but the one that captures the atmosphere best is the blurry one at the top, courtesy of the triforce blog.


Click on each photo to enlarge


Some more thoughts on the gig:

- Sarah does great harmonies. Very impressed with her voice, although Nadine is really in a class above the others in terms of control and range

- I'd give Nicola top marks for dancing and for her stomach, which is totally ripped

- The backing band clearly have a Pink Floyd fixation. They covered "Another Brick In The Wall", and put a Dave Gilmour-esque solo into "I'll Stand By You". Yuck.

- Nadine is looking very thin, but she was the only one who didn't reveal her midriff. Make of that what you will.

- Top marks to the coreographer, who kept the routines fresh right the way through. We spotted a nod to Janet Jackson in the chair routine. But there was an horrific 'costume change' section where a sweaty man did a twirly dance at the top of the stairs. Unpleasant.

- The changeover from Another Brick to No Good Advice fell apart like Vanessa Feltz in Celebrity BB.

- Then they redeemed themselves by acknowledging No Good Advice's debt to "My Sharona".

- And they put the line "Shut your mouth because shit might show" back into the song. Which actually does make it better!

- I was unfeasibly excitied by the whole thing. And I am 30. Hooray for arrested development (the mental condition, not the band or the tv series)

The Triforce: Franz Ferdinand Can Go Fuck Themselves

Popjustice review

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Praise you

Time for another 'deleted scene' from our series of songwriter profiles on the BBC website.

In this vignette, Brian Higgins waxes lyrical about Sugababe Mutya Buena:

"Our best pop singers are very underrated, though I accept that there are not that many of them. As everyone knows, the press in our country can be very savage about celebrities regardless of what area of entertainment they are from.

Mutya for instance is incredibly talented. Her voice can make your heart melt, its tone is so beautiful. She is also an excellent lyricist and melody writer. She's only 19 and is making her 4th album. I think it is unfortunate that you would struggle to establish that information in our press.

It is naive, but we should publicly support - not destroy - the talented people in this country. That does not mean letting them off the hook if they seriously mess up, it just says show them the respect that their talent is clearly due at all times."

Well said, that man.

BBC News: The Hitmakers - Xenomania

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