P Diddy steals from Smoove B

I don't know if you've ever read Smoove B's column in The Onion, but I'm in no doubt that P Diddy / Daddy / Sugar Puffy / Puff-o-matic / Sean Jean / Sean Bean / Sean "Sean" Sean Sean Sean / The Diddy Monster / Diddy Daddy / whatever-the-fuck-he-is-called-now has cast his beshaded eyes over it.

Here is the proof, if proof be need be:

P Diddy:
"I've spent a lot of time with Kim [Porter, mother to three of Diddy's children] in Paris, and it's been perfect.

As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.

As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time.

After leaving our hotel, me and Kim were driven down the Champs-Elysees in my Mercedes Maybach at 4 a.m., with music playing in the background and we saw so many beautiful sights together."
[ via The Mirror]

Smoove B:
At precisely 8 o'clock, I will arrive in a pearl-white car to pick you up and transport us to dinner at the city's finest European restaurant. I will tell the driver to take the most romantic, scenic route possible to the restaurant.

On the way, I will have a sterling-silver thermos filled with hot chocolate from the Swiss chocolate region. If it is too hot for you, I will blow on it until it is the correct temperature.

After the meal, we will forgo transportation and walk the five blocks back to my apartment, because the night will be so fragrant and beautiful. I will hold your hand and stroke your wrist lightly with my thumb. As we approach my apartment, I will pull you close, and it will feel right. It will feel like we are two interlocking pieces of a sexy panther jigsaw puzzle.

If the moon is full, I will point it out to you.

When we reach my penthouse, I will remove your shoes and kiss you passionately for five to ten minutes. Just when you think you are going crazy with desire, I will lead you to my large, circular bathtub. There, I will strip you down and place your naked body gently into the perfectly warm water. Then, I will wash you with a towel of my choosing. Make no mistake, it will be the perfect towel for your beautiful body, fitting your every luscious contour. If the scented perfumes I have placed in your bath water are not to your liking, I will drain the tub and we will start over. But they will not be incorrect, so we will not have to. I know you, girl.

After I have dried and moisturized you, I will comb your hair. If, while combing your hair, you would like me to comb either faster or harder, please say so. While I am doing this combing, you will think you will know love, but Smoove is ready to take you to the next level.

This is when Smoove will lead you to his canopy bed. Keith Sweat will be playing on my bedroom stereo, creating the perfect mood for us to freak all night. And freak all night is what we shall do. Between freakings, we will laugh and tell stories, and I will rub your neck and back. Then we will freak again. This will go on until the break of dawn.

Damn.

When you wake up, I will make you French toast. If French toast is not what you desire, I will find another nationality of toast that suits you. I will not rest until I find this perfect nationality of toast, even if I have to swim all the way to Austria for it. After I find and make the toast, and you eat it, we will freak once more.

This is how the evening will go. This is how you will know love."
[via The Onion]

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What we learnt this week

:: If Swedish popstar Robyn could be any domestic appliance, she would be a dishwasher because they are "very useful"

:: The comedic impact of that question may have been lessened because Robyn did not know the term domestic appliance.

:: Natasha Bedingfield says the last time she feel asleep in public, she was sunbathing on a beach in New Zealand. Lucky bitch.

:: Doctor Who star Freema Agyeman insists that the sonic screwdriver is "not just a blue torch - it's magic".

:: There was a thing about Samantha Mumba on Channel 4 which everyone said was brilliant, but we missed it.

:: The police said a man was very irresponsible for skiing down escalators in London and making a video of it, thereby ensuring everyone would go and have a look for it on the youtubes.

:: Elton John had his birthday spoiled when Your Song was awarded the 20th Worst Lyric Ever prize by some website. The cuplrit: "If I was a sculptor - but, then again, no." [full list here]

:: Also, Robyn played a concert in London with two drummers, which is like something out of a wet dream. She also did two versions of her super Swedish single Be Mine - which went a bit like this:

Be Mine - Electro


Be Mine - Acoustic


Have a great weekend!

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Nostalgia warning

Five Star were as big as Jack Black's pants back in the 80s. The press called them Britain's answer to the Jacksons, because they were five sisters and brothers doing lite R&B numbers with dance routines. Spookily, one of them would also go on to show his willy to people who did not want to see his willy, but we didn't know that then.

I was quite a fan. Frankly, It was 5 Star or the Smiths, and I was too well brought up to be interested in all that suburban angst Morissey was spouting. Five Star sang about normal stuff like having a crush and splitting up with people (I'll just gloss over the one about getting all pervy and sexed up with a computer).

Anyway, the band had about 3 years of dressing up in their special sequinned jump suits and being on kids TV before they were fired straight into the dumper by a humungous catapult and, thank heavens, nobody has heard from them since.

...Until now. They've just released a DVD of all of their videos, which you can get for under a tenner at Amazon. The reviews are quite positive:

"Marvel at the costumes, Gasp at the dance moves and sing along (badly) to all the hits!!!" says Daz, who has lost control of the excalamation mark key.

"I have been told that all of the best songs are on there and I've heard for myself that the sound quality is excellent," adds R Thomas LOTR Fan, not very convincingly.

However, I have a warning. Like that boy Eliot once shouted down the phone on Going Live, Five Star weren't much cop. Yes, they seemed very slick and modern in 1986 but so did Top Gun and nobody mentions that disaster of a film any more, do they? (Check this - Ed)

Fr'instance, here's the video for If I Say Yes.

Dear God, what were we thinking?

And by "we", I mean "I".

PS: I've just discovered a MySpace page for my all-time pre-teen crush, Doris out of Five Star. She's still recording music - to what end?? We will never know...

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Natasha Bedingfield album cover

This:


Looks a bit like this:


Except Natasha Bedingfield's new album NB is only about 5% as pervy as Madonna's mid-90s sexfest.

It's really quite good, though. I'll do a review in the next couple of days.

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Is the PS3, like, totally fucked, dude?

Just a quick note to clarify my points about the PS3 in the next post down:

It is the fastest-selling console ever in the UK, shifting 165,000 units in the launch weekend. Isn't it weird how seeing brand new games consoles on the shelves makes it seem like they're not very successful, even when they are? [source]

But the machine is being outsold 2:1 by the Nintendo Wii in Japan. [source]

And in the US, 127,000 PS3s were sold last month, compared to 295,000 PS2s and 335,000 Wiis. Ouch! [source]

Meanwhile, people who queued up for a PS3 hoping to sell it for profit on eBay are actually making a loss. Double ouch! And [source]

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I still love Wii-ing

Last December, it seemed like every other post on here was about the Nintendo Wii and how much I was looking forward to getting my hands on one. Then it arrived and, one paltry review of Zelda later, everything went quiet. Here's what's happened since:

Everyone who plays Wii Sports wants to take the console home with them. It's the most intuitive and addictive game since Tetris.

While playing Wii Tennis, at least one guest has come close to throwing themselves through the window with a rather overzealous backhand return.

The tutorial videos on Wario Ware: Smooth Moves made me laugh chips out my nose.

Mrsdiscopop-in-law got overly competitive on Wii Play's shooting range, making everyone a little more nervous on Christmas Day.

If you like the internet smaller, blurrier, and more difficult to navigate then the Wii's Web Browser is the product for you.

I completed Zelda in 50 hours, and was smug for approximately the same amount of time.

Lots of people who are better at computer games than I will ever be posted their high scores to Flickr. Does the phrase "too much time on your hands" mean anything to the youth of today?

The PS3 came out. Nobody bought it. We all laughed.

Although it's a bit too early to claim victory for the tiny white console - especially as Nintendo can't get enough stock to the UK while the PS3 sits winking coquettishly at people on the shop shelves.

Added to which - can we have some new games please, Nintendo?

Actually, I've just come across the following trailer for Wii Sims. Once mrsdiscopop gets her hands on this, I won't be able to get her off the sofa for weeks. Which could be a problem, as we're supposed to be moving house...

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Hello, bitches

You will not have noticed that fantastic pop singer Robyn, from the fantastically Scandanavian country of Sweden, is releasing her fantastic single, Konichiwa Bitches, in the UK this week. This is a shame, as it is fantastic (I may have mentioned this already).

Now, look, I know that when you read about some artist you've never heard of, on some blog of little or no importance, your main reaction is to hit the Google button and look up hamster porn. Fair enough, we've all been there. But Robyn is actually one of those rare pop stars that'll get you unfeasibly excited down in your spangly pants.

Put it this way - How often does a UK record company listen to a two-year-old pop album from Sweden and think: "Hey, we should release this over here?". That's right - never.

Robyn's album sounds like pop when Madonna used to do it, but with street-smart, funny lyrics given an irresistably gossipy delivery. I cannot emphasise enough that I love this record. Buy the single, then buy the album next week.

But, music industry lawsuits aside, I suggest you buy the album off CD-Wow. They have the original European version, which has the gumption to mix the balls-out pop songs with some quieter, acoustic moments. For the UK they've inexplicably remixed the ballads into a terrible pastiche of Europop (a bit like Scooch, now you come to mention it). It robs the album of some of the light and shade which makes it so exceptional*.

By way of example, here are the original and remixed versions of album track Bum Like You. You'll get the idea fairly quickly.
:: Robyn - Bum Like You (Original Mix)
:: Robyn - Bum Like You (UK Mix)

PS: I'm interviewing Robyn later this week. Put your questions in the comments box and I'll ask them. Nothing about marriage or bumsex, please.

PPS: I just checked, and the album is £4.99 on CD-Wow. £4.99!!!!!!1. If you don't buy it now, you'll only spend that money on sweets, thus storing up a lifetime of weight problems, gum disease and heart problems.

*The UK version of Robyn's album does benefit from 2 extra tracks, both of which are very, very good. But you can get them quite legally online once you've bought the decent version of her album.

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Beach babes

Lawks-a-lordy, those Girls Aloud munchkins have only gorn and announced a big old outdoor concert for the summer.

Not to be outdone by Muse playing Wembley and Take That parading around something called the O2 Arena, the Girls are hosting a massive day out in, er, Plympton. (It's near Plymouth, apparently).

According to the official website the all-day concert, on 9th June, will be "the biggest outdoor event in Devon for 2007". Well, break out the clotted cream and call me a farmer.

Despite my cynicism, I am toally going to this. For £40 I can get into Girls Aloud's "VIP Circle". Another wish fulfilled.

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What's going on here, then?

Apparently these heavily shrouded humans are Michael Jackson's three children - Prince Michael, 10, Paris Katherine, eight, and five-year-old Prince Michael II (known as Blanket).

According to the Daily Mail, "Jackson believes the children could be a target for kidnappers, and he hopes that by covering their faces he can ward off this perceived threat". I can see how that would work.

Just as the kidnappers were about to snatch the children and demand Jacko pay them one of the two dry beans that now comprise his fortune, they would suddenly be confused by the childrens' lack of having a face.

"Where did they go?" the kidnappers would cry. "They were here just a moment ago, but now there are just some disembodied clothes floating around the airport. What can have happened to our cunningly conceived and masterfully executed plan?".

Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised that Michael Jackson has based his security operations on the defensive tactics of an ostrich.

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Pirates of The Caribbean trailer

Unfortunately, this doesn't look any better than last year's bloated mess:

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The gigantic arrow of trooth

New Young Pony Club - The Bomb

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Read about Regina

Regular readers may remember I got the chance to interview Regina Spektor last month… For those of you who are interested, the results can be found on the BBC website [link]

Using the BBC's fantastic (but internal) statistics service, I can reveal to you that so far 43 people have read the story in Italy. I don’t know why that tickles me, but tickle me it does.

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Terriffic Tiblisi

As we send a bunch of smug twats off to Eurovision to further degrade the UK's musical heritage, let's take a moment to consider Georgia's entry:



How about that? There's so much happening in that song that I'm not even sure what type of music it is. Electronic? Folk? Power Ballad? It's like Bjork channelling Shirley Bassey in a East Berlin discotheque while the Gipsy Kings hammer on the door with a banjo. And if that wasn't enough, the singer (Sopho Khalvashi) performs in a massive frock from which five people emerge like eggy babies.

You wouldn't have thought it possible, but our clunking parody of Europop (with a knob gag) seems even more lame that it did on Saturday night, doesn't it?

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Sending the redcoats to Helsinki

And so it came to pass that the Great British public chose a group of failed Butlins entertainers to represent them at the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest.



Did you spot all those references to oral sex? Hilarious.

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Beyoncé and Shakira's day out

Honestly, these pop stars. You give them a day off and they just go off and record a smash hit single and a slinky video to go with it. Tsk.


Once again, for those of you too lazy to press play here is what you have missed:

00:00-00:20 Someone really needs to turn that kettle off.
00:20-00:23 Beyoncé's hips are ginormous. It's like she's got two frozen chickens stuffed up her.
00:26-00:28 Ouch! Shakira has dislocated her shoulder in a nonsensical tribute Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Except Shak's not in a straightjacket, but a really hot dress. (Try not to let the image of Mel Gibson in a really hot dress give you nightmares, readers).
00:50-01:00 What kind of person puts curtains up at the beach?
01:05-01:10 Beyoncé is wearing Shakira's wig.
01:11-01:20 Now Shakira is wearing Beyoncé's wig! What kind of follicular madness is this?
01:20-01:30 Are we in a pole dancing club, a hall of mirrors, or a mixture both? Whatever, it's right kinky.
02:04-02:20 Girls, if you're going to writhe around on the floor like children, at least put on some comfortable clothes. Those dresses will cost a fortune at the dry cleaners.
02:58-02:10 All that steam from the kettle has set off the sprinklers. I told you so.
03:08-03:12 When Shakira sings "we can laugh about it", it cuts to a picture of B and S (as they shall henceforth be known) doing a laugh. The director has earned his multi-million dollar fee and we can all go home.

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MP3 Frenzy: Madonna remixed

Back in the 80s, when McFly were born, singles came on small discs of shiny black plastic. They were incredibly fragile - susceptible to scratches and liable to break if they were dropped. They also had very sharp edges. If you threw one hard enough you could take someone's head clean off. I don't know how we coped.

Because this was the era of capitalist greed and yuppies (a type of Japanese fish in a business suit) people decided the single should be bigger. Overnight, it grew from a humble seven inches to a honking great twelve inches [insert your own penis joke here].

Initially nobody knew what to do with all the extra space. It was filled up with instrumental versions and "extended" mixes - essentially six minutes of a drum machine followed by the actual song. But people soon started to get creative, messing about with song structure, adding counter-melodies and in some cases throwing the entire song out and starting over again.

By the mid-80s I only bought records in the 12" format. As an aspiring musician, they were actually quite educational - the teased out bass lines and harmonies actually taught me a lot of the basics of song-writing. I'm not so keen now, though. Dance music essentially gave remixers the excuse to overlay the original track with a turgid thump-thump-thump drumbeat and leave it at that.

Anyway, to get to the point: Madonna was the queen of remixes. This is partly because her songs were strong enough to withstand being pulled apart, but also because she's always chosen her collaborators very well. Indeed, most of her recent albums have been produced by remixers (William Orbit, Stuart Price) who started out re-working her singles.

A couple of weeks ago my oldest friend in the world, Graeme Moore (we bonded over a mutual appreciation for the works of Five Star) sent me a couple of CDs of rare Madonna mixes. This set me off on a massive, and expensive, eBay nostalgia-fest. I thought I'd share some of the results with you... Enjoy!

::Justify My Love (William Orbit Remix)
Orbit takes Justify My Love to pieces and re-casts it as a spooky electric dub track. A vast improvement.

::Like A Virgin (Extended Dance Remix)
This doesn't do anything other than give you an extra two minutes of dancing time. But what more could you ask for?

::Keep It Together (12" Extended Mix)
Shep Pettibone remixed most of the singles for the Like A Prayer album before Madonna dragged him into a recording studio and made him write Vogue - which ended up as the b-side of this single before it caught on in clubs and became a hit in its own right. This remix is one of Pettibone's best. The drum break at 1:02 is the most exciting thing you will ever hear.

:: Sorry (PSB Maxi-Mix)
Featuring new vocals from Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant. So good Madonna used it on the Confessions tour.

:: Love Profusion (Raphi Rosario House Vocal Mix)
Because sometimes overlaying a thump-thump-thump drum beat actually improves the song.

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Natasha Bedingfield: A correction

Last week, I may mistakenly have given the impression that Natasha Bedingfield's new single, I Wanna Have Your Babies, is an acceptable piece of music. On further reflection, I realise that the song is desperately irritating and, futhermore, a load of old pants.

I apologise for any aural trauma you and members of your family may have suffered as a result of my recommendation. I have booked myself into a clinic in Malibu for treatment. Can someone look after the cat for a week?

(For those of you made of sterner stuff, here is the video. Nadine from Girls Aloud is in it for no discernable reason.)

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Set your video recording apparatus

Shameless plug: There is a very good documentary on Channel 4 tonight directed by one of my best friends, and featuring music by yours truly in the background. Here's the bumpf Channel 4 have been sending out:

Boys To Men: Black British boys are failing at school and failing to get jobs. They get fewer GCSEs than any other ethnic group, and are three times more likely than white boys to end up in jail. Controversial academic Tony Sewell thinks he has found a way to save Britain's brightest black kids ... He's sending them off to an academic boot camp at a Jamaican university. But can this really turn them into future scientists and doctors?

NB: You can ignore all of the important social experiment stuff and tune in to hear my "hilarious" attempts to play reggae on the soundtrack.

You will laugh.
You will cry.
You will wish you had gone to bed after Desperate Housewives.

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This is not a Eurovision entry

It is the new Jennifer Lopez single:

UK readers: Jennifer is singing in Spanish. This is an Indo-European language that has its basis in Latin. It is the native language of approximately 200 million people across the world. As music fans of the English-speaking persuasion, you are hereby excused from having to listen to or buy this song, even though it is really rather good.

Perhaps we could interest you in an appalling remix featuring Wyclef from out of the Fugees instead?

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Natalie Imbruglia news

Fantastically / bizarrely Natalie Imbruglia hasn't been dropped by her record label, despite her nasty habit of releasing one massive hit single and then disappearing without a trace (All Saints need to hire her manager, I reckon). She's currently in the studio recording new material in preparation for a summer release, and she has put this video up on "the" internet to give us a fascinating peak into the creative process.



For those of you too lazy to press play, here's a summary of the main events:



PS On Natalie's myspace profile she lists her influences as "The Cure". Is that it? Surely she owes a bigger debt to Alanis Morisette, Garbage, Joni Mitchell and Holly Valance (erm, are you sure about that last one? Ed)

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Tom Cruise is okay after all...

From this week's popbitch:

"New York DJ Mark Ronson was hired to play at Tom Cruise's wedding. For amusement, he decided to play Take My Breath Away, the big hit from Cruise's most famous film Top Gun. Far from being annoyed, Cruise pushed through the dance-floor to the DJ booth, laughingly made shooting gestures with his index fingers at the DJ, then danced away again happily."

That's just sent Tom Cruise soaring back up in my estimation. Now he's roughly on par with... oh, I don't know, Ryan Seacrest. (That's above kill-on-sight, but below slam-door-in-smug-fucking-face).

But why didn't Mark Ronson play Bob Seger's Old Time Rock and Roll? Maybe then Cruise would have re-created the old Risky Business scene where he dances around the living room in his undergrundies. Ah well, we can always dream...

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Annie, please save pop!

It seems that pop is a bit in the doldrums at the moment, unless you count Take That (which we do) and Mika (which we don't). All those identikit curly-haired indie bands are hoovering up all the airspace and perfectly reasonable acts like Jamelia and All Saints are being pushed aside. The only hoover action they'll be seeing is in their front room, sucking up dust while watching The Box and weeping silently.

For the moment, there's not much we can do. Music is cyclical, and it is rock's turn to be in the ascendance. But there is hope on the horizon...

Norwegian singer Annie, whose Chewing Gum is the best record of the 21st Century (FACT!), has apparently signed a record deal with Island/Universal. That's the label behind Amy Winehouse, Mika, Sugababes and The Feeling - i.e. they are quite good at developing succesful pop acts.

According to a very old news story in another language [link] she's currently in the recording studio with Girls Aloud producers Xenomania. Annie is also expected to work with London-based genius Sir Richard of X (Sugababes, Pet Shop Boys, New Order, that one good song by Rachel Stevens). This could well be the best pop album ever.

Want proof? Here are Annie's last two UK singles, re-recorded for the time vortex that is PC game The Sims 2. Even in the game's made-up nonsense language, Simlish, they are sublime. You can get the original versions on her album, Anniemal. [link]



Annie - Heartbeat (simlish version) MP3



Annie - Chewing Gum (simlish version) MP3


Also, isn't this the best publicity photo in the history of big pink pop frocks?

PS: There are lots more MP3s in Simlish, including songs by Lemon Jelly, Timo Maas and The Faders, at the excellent fansite Sim Fantastic

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Olive branch for Britney?

While the media slowly help Britney towards an early grave in Malibu, at least one person is thinking about how to get maximum exposure for their new album how they can help the fallen pop angel.

That person is Timbaland. You may have heard of him. He's that producer bloke that keeps saying "I am Timbaland" over the top of otherwise decent records by Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake. Here's his take on Britters:

"I feel her pain, it really bothers me," he said in an interview with Entertainment Weekly magazine in the US. The reporter doesn't reveal whether she was a little bit sick in her mouth at that point.

"I'm the type of person who tries to save the world. I just want to take her away, go overseas, and work (it) out."

I'm not sure how taking Britney overseas would help save the world. Maybe she's got a bomb in her trousers?

"I just want to hold her hand," continues Timbo - who is about to go on tour with Justin Timberlake. "I want her to be in my camp, to be around Justin. I need Justin to talk to her. Help her, please!"

Wait a minute. Didn't Justin used to go out with Britney, or something? ...[five minutes later]... I've just checked it out and apparently, yes, he was linked to Britney for a couple of years. It's amazing they didn't make a bigger thing out of that at the time.

"I asked Justin: 'How would you feel about me working with Britney?'," says Timbaland. "I said: 'Would you do it with me?'". According to Entertainment Weekly Justin replied that, yes, he would. And he'd help Britney out, too.

The main question here - given the ridiculous gossip surrounding Britney's every move - is whether this story has any truth in it at all. Sensing that it may be a complete fabrication, news agency the Associated Press tried to check it out. Here's what they say:

"Timberlake's spokeswoman, Sonia Muckle, referred inquiries to Timbaland's spokeswoman, Monique Idlett, who didn't immediately respond to a phone call".

Of course, they ran the story anyway...

There is, however, some real Britney news today. Her website has just relaunched with the following picture:

Oh sweet Jesus, what has she done to her feet?!?!?!?

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Bedingfield seeks offspring

Natasha Bedingfield is back, back, BACK! ETC!

She's only gone and done a new single, the title of which has long been bandied about on the internet with a certain degree of disdain.

Mind you, it's called I Wanna Have Your Babies, so that's hardly too surprising. Babies are yucky.

The amazing thing is (and I'm aware that my critical faculties are somewhat dulled at the moment) it's not half bad. Natasha has an uncanny a knack for writing songs that form a permanent loop in the tune centre of your brain (the medulla melodiosa, made-up fact fans) and this one will be going round your skull like a goldfish on poppers.

The lyrics are even quite clever. She's no Byron, Shelly or Keats* but I like that Natasha hums the chorus because if she opens her mouth she'll blurt out how much she loves her Bedingbloke, causing him to flee her blousy embrace in a blind panic.

This is because blokes hate any outward display of emotion - preferring instead to fart and spill lager on their black and decker workmate.

It is possible this lyric was inspired by watching endless repeats of Friends on E4.

Anyway, you can download an MP3 of the whole shebang from the link below. You'll be dancing in your slippers in literal minutes.

Natasha Bedingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies

* do you see what I did there?

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Musical crisis of faith

Something is going very wrong in my head. I have heard the new song by the Manic Street Preachers and I like it. This is a reversal on par with Portia Di Rossi saying it was all a big misunderstanding and she loves the cock, after all.

Let me explain: The Manics are shit. Their songs consist of sixth form poetry set to fourth form rock "stylings". They claim to be socialists, but are signed to Sony - one of the world's biggest multinational corporations. Their drummer wears fingerless gloves, even though he is no longer in the 1980s.

Oh, but the single (Your Love Is Not Alone) is glorious. It's a crunchy, punchy, punk-pop parsnip - all glossy harmonies and rousing stadium-sized choruses. I suspect this turnaround has something to do with the influence of Cardigans' singer Nina Persson, who features on the song alongside regular vocalist James Dean Bradfield. That woman could sing Pink's back catalogue and I'd probably find it acceptable.

On second thoughts, maybe not.

In other news from the long held musical beliefs being turned on their head desk, the new single from Avril Lavigne is also quite good.

Yes, it tries to rhyme "delicious" with "addictive" and, no, the lyrical conceit (I don't like yours much) isn't going to be winning the nobel prize for literature any time soon...

But it finally delivers on what Lavigne always promised - fabulous fizzy girly pop which sounds like a cross between Shampoo, Toni Basil and Alanis Morisette. Except good, obviously.

Top marks to all confounding expectations-type artists concerned.

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend MP3 (radio rip)

Manic Street Preachers feat Nina Persson - Your Love Alone Is Not Enough MP3 (radio rip)

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Please don't do the one about the boat

Hooray! I actually managed to get two tickets for Take That's Beautiful tour this morning, despite every website and "hot"line in the country crashing under the sheer weight of Thatties (or, more likely, ticket touts) trying snap up all the precious seats.

The gigs-and-tours.com website was so stressed by the whole process that it omitted to tell me what date my tickets were for, or where in the so-called "02" arena I'd be sitting.

No doubt that means I've got to watch the gig from a burger van in the car park. But, hey, at least that improves my chances of bumping into Gary Barlow...

The concert's not til December, so in the meantime why not download an MP3 of that Arctic Monkeys' single I was talking about yesterday [via zshare] and tell me what you think about it?

Also, to round off the utter random-ness of this post, here is a gratuitous picture of George Clooney with a brolly.

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Arctic Monkeys - the people speak

So last night on Fabulous Rrrrradio One Eff Emm they played the new Arctic Monkeys single. Taken from their forthcoming sophomore album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, it's called Brian Storm (do you see what they did there?). It has since been played on the station every two hours or so. There's a law about it, apparently.

As we all know, Arctic Monkeys are the biggest band on the planet. "They're like this generation's Oasis" is what well-known rock critic Dizzee Rascal said.

We also know that Arctic Monkeys are popular because of the internet, which allowed their fans to come together and say "crikey, I quite like this music", except using typing and modems.

So the online response to this hotly anticipated new record is bound to be stellar, isn't it?

Erm... no.

A total of three (count 'em) bloggers have written about the single. "I heard it. It's good, yeah", says Imdagger with unique insight into the creative process. Meanwhile, Pillaged Prose is more effusive, but slightly more cryptic: "Damn what a follow up", he writes. "But not the sort of thing to listen to when trying to do finicky seam work". An important health warning for all of those kids listening to the Monkeys in a third-world sweatshop, there.

And what of the response on the group's fabled myspace page? Similarly poor,I'm afraid. Just five of the band's 62,989 "friends" felt moved to make a comment. One of them, Mikey, wrote "your new song is the sex", which makes me wonder if he has ever actually had sex (hint: no). But, apart from Mikey, no-one seems to be wetting their pants over this much-feted record.

Come on, guys, the song's not that bad. I mean, the words are clever. And the guitar riff is pretty ferocious. Yes, the tune just repeats itself every two bars and there's no chorus - but what do you expect? They are this generation's Oasis, after all.

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Pinch, punch, first of the month

Last Christmas, for reasons best known to herself, Mrsdiscopop bought me a Girls Aloud calendar to perv over keep track of important dates and events in 2007.

Today, as I began to recover from what the doctor reliably informed me was a "nasty virus", I turned over the calendar to March:
Yowsah!

...Of course, mrsdiscopop is much, much prettier than Nadine and I am a very lucky man.

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