Fat dancers anonymous

Bloody nora - Take That are reforming! Only, they're not really. ITV is doing a retrospective on the band this December, and all five of them will take part. By which we mean ITV are broadcasting an extended advert for a re-released Take That hits CD this Christmas.

Forget your ipods, your wifi and your psp - THIS is what the cutting-edge of technology should be about.

It's official: "Tyra Banks has natural breasts; there are no implants". The former supermodel was groped by a doctor on her talk show this week just to prove it. In a previous programme, she showed the audience pictures of herself before and after they were airbrushed. But wait... aren't talk shows supposed to be about the guests?

While Tyra gets her ladybuns fondled on live TV, fellow supermodel Helena Christensen works out some althogether darker fetishes in her new photography portfolio.

INXS have chosen a new lead singer in the grand finalé of their not-really-very-widely-seen reality show competition effort. The band insisted they wanted someone new and fresh - not a Michael Hutchence impersonator. But in the end the singer they chose bears an uncanny vocal resemblance to the original frontman. He's not a bad choice - the song he wrote with INXS in the course of the competition was actually pretty catchy - but you can't help thinking he'd be better off playing with kids his own age.

...And with that, we're off to Bordeaux for a week. We'll bring you back some cheap plonk and a beret.

Tweet

Bob Dylan again?

Q: Why, when I set my ipod to 'shuffle', do the songs not play at random? I seem to hear the same artists over and over again.
A: It's because the songs are playing at random.

Damn you maths! You have foiled me again.

It's all explained at Wired News.

Tweet

Forgive us father...

Madonna has revealed the artwork for her new album - but which of these two is the real thing?




(Thanks to popjustice for making us laugh)
(Click on either image to enlarge it)

Tweet

What's in the box?

An enthusiastic Ebayer is auctioning off a box containing 'at least one prop from the TV series Friends.

What could it be? Joey's poreclain dog? Phoebe's guitar? Or... erm, the box that Chandler hid inside during "The One With Chandler In A Box"?

You'll only find out if you win: 4 days left to go!

Shock news! Mutya Sugababe eats Coco Pops and a full English breakfast in the morning. How does she manage to squeeze into those hotpants?

Mogblog is illegally generously offering a download of the new Franz Ferdinand album weeks before it's released. You'll need to get bittorrent for it to work, though.

Speaking of Franz Ferdinand, why is there suddenly a trend for song lyrics about kinky bumsex?

The Franz allude to it in their new single: 'Do you wanna go where I never let you before?'

Now Rachel Stevens (Rachel Stevens!) is at it, too. Her next record, "I Said Never Again" boasts:

It's two weeks later
I feel such a traitor
Oh, I let you in my back door

We never pictured Rachel as being into that sort of thing. After all, she stormed off TV last week after being asked to play a game of "Creamy Muck Muck".

It's still the best song title of the year, and the video is just as magnificent: "I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer", is streaming from the Cardigans website. Nina dresses up and plays femme fatale á la Jean Harlow, while something odd goes on with a dog. What's with all the dead people in bondage gear, though?

So, Kate Moss - a pencil-thin supermodel with a junkie boyfriend takes cocaine? They'll be trying to tell us Jordan is a vacuous, publicity-hungry, plasticated media whore next.

What's that? Oh...

Tweet

Revolutionary or ridiculous?

What the…?! That's really the only response to Nintendo's new controller. Well, that or: "Wait a minute, that's a remote control. How do you play the games?"



Well, the main controller is motion sensitive. Tilt it, and your movement will be replicated on-screen. It's got the usual array of buttons on the face, and a trigger at the back. The analogue stick, called a "nunchuck" is an add-on, which should provide mouse-style movement for shooting games.

Unveiled at the Tokyo Game Show yesterday, its got to be a massive risk for Nintendo. The company famously wants to expand gaming beyond the traditional geeky boundaries -- see the stylus-controlled DS for proof. But will non-gamers be seduced by the new controller simply because it looks familiar? And will current gaming freaks give up the stunning graphics (but questionable gameplay) of the new Xbox and Playstation in favour of something new?

Certainly, peripherals like Eyetoy and Donkey Konga show that you can persuade gamers and non-gamers to get together and play if you offer them something new and innovative. Imagine using this controller as a virtual golf-club, or a conductor's baton. That’s the sort of thing that can get the entire family to gather round the TV, making Nintendo's "Revolution" a lifestyle purchase, rather than a boy's toy.

Ultimately, however, Nintendo will live or die by this console. They've already lost their predominant place in the games market to Sony and Microsoft. If no-one buys into the concepts behind the Revolution it could spell disaster for the company. Luckily, gaming magazines who've had the chance to try out the new console seem to love it. The much-respected Edge has already branded the controller "one of the most streamlined, classic and neatly designed... seen so far in videogaming."

Consider my Xbox pre-order cancelled.

Had I ever pre-ordered one.

And I didn't.

Nintendo official site

Edge online

Tweet

Crime, genetalia, urine

Criminals are getting wise to forensic science, thanks to dramas like CSI.

Car thieves in Manchester, for example, have taken to dumping cigarette butts in stolen cars before they abandon them. "Suddenly the police have 20 potential people in the car," according to an expert interviewed in New Scientist.

So far, none of the thugs have hired Quentin Tarantino to direct a special blood-soaked, expletive-filled, happy slap - but surely it's only a matter of time.

An unreleased song / out-take from Fight Club has been leaked onto the net. The duet, performed by Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, is an ode to Helena Bonham Carter entitled "The Penis Song".

"Condi? I need to make pee-pee" - George Bush passes notes to his classmates at the UN.

Tweet

Got Wood?

Everyone's favourite hobbit, Elijah Wood, is so studly and hetero that he loves people to call him gay. He even "likes to surf the Web and look at doctored photos that put him in compromising positions with men," he tells MSNBC. Which doesn't sound like the sort of thing a gay person would do at all.

Wood even lets slip that his favourite website is called “Elijah Wood Is Very, Very Gay”.

All of which kind of makes this picture of his gurning face poking out of a giant balsa-wood vagina all the more disturbing.


Or desperate to make a point... You decide.

Tweet

Bits and pieces

Season three publicity photos for The O.C. cast have just been posted over at Justjared.com. As expected, everyone looks suitably airbrushed and hot. Except, that is, for poor old Sandy Cohen, who appears to have Bell's Palsy.

PLAY WITH RADIOHEAD!!! screams the NME. On closer inspection, it turns out you can attend a 'drum workshop' with Phil Selway for the grand sum of £15.

The workshop will consist of a five minute lecture entitled "What to do when your band replaces you with a randomly generated series of clicks and bleeps", followed by the video for My Iron Lung.

Guaranteed to keep you entertained for a whole minute:
Porn Star or Pop Star

After seven years, Natalie Imbruglia is touring again in the autumn. Bizarrely, there are only two dates - Norwich on October 31st and Shepherd's Bush on November 21st. Perhaps someone lost the rest of the itinerary in Natalie's lank, greasy hair (L'oreal evidently don't think she's worth it any more).

Anyway, we saw her last gig at the Camden Forum in 1998, and it was superb - particularly the 15 minute acoustic set, stuffed with songs that have never been released. So we can recommend this one, too. She clearly needs to get out of the house more.

File under "Utter Bollocks": An Indonesian airliner landed in a deserted airport after a passenger's mobile disrupted the navigation system, says The Jakarta Post. Because Air traffic control wouldn't have been concerned when the plane deviated from its flight plan, and the control tower staff in deserted airports can be so friendly.

Oh yeah, and Britney had a baby.

Tweet

Tacky marriage special

We do not endorse Jordan, Hello Magazine, Peter André or slaggy chip shop weddings in any way. However, there is one burning question that needs to be asked: How big is the toilet roll Jordan's hiding underneath her dress?

Tweet

Fillitup, turnitloose

The average ipod owner only has 375 songs on their MP3 player, according to The New York Times. Indeed, 50% of people who own an MP3 player have fewer than 100 songs loaded onto it. Which seems a massive waste: why bother spending all that money when you could just carry a couple of CDs around with you?

Anyway, we thought we should help out here. If you need new music to spice up your shuffle, or to max out your mini, here are a few ideas:

Franz Ferdinand - "Eleanor Put Your Boots On"
One of a few pre-release album tracks from Franz's new LP, over at Dreams of Horses.

Nellie McKay - "If I Needed Someone"
A Beatles cover to keep us amused while we wait for Nellie's delayed second album. Available via something called The smudge of ashen fluff.

Jon Pertwee - "I Am The Doctor"
Just Plain Odd... Most people are aware of Captain Kirk's mauling of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", but it takes a British sci-fi hero to make a truly weird record. Over a soft-funk version of the Doctor Who theme, Jon Pertwee (Doctor number three) delivers a rap that appears to be the test run for Vincent Price's effort on "Thriller". Available for download at Jamies Runout Groove. Caution: May frighten young children.

James Knight & The Butlers - "Funky Cat"
'Just like catnip', says the man and he's got a point. There are three reasons to download this song: The sample-tastic drum solo, the earsplitting crescendo of the saxophonist's solo, and the moment where the vocalist is so satisfied with his band he purrs. "Funky cat, cat, cat, cat", indeed. Get it on Aurgasm.

Sugababes - "Push The Button"
Super bouncy pop, even though it sounds like Tina Turner's "The Best" in a car crash with "Last Christmas". Plus, we're currently obsessing over Mutya's hotpants in the video. The song is available on Fluxblog.

Kate Bush -
"The Man With The Child In Her Eyes"
Because everyone needs a bit of Bush. Go to: Bubblegum Machine.

Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings - "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"
Listening to this, you'd think that Janet Jackson's 1986 hit was a cover version of a James Brown-era funk workout. Not so: this is the cover version, and its vintage groove dates from... well, 2002 actually. Click here to download.

warchildmusic.com
And after you've treated yourself to all those freebies, go and spend £10 on the new warchild album, "Help: A Day In The Life". There are 24 tracks - including new songs by Radiohead, Coldplay, Gorillaz and Razorlight. Most of it's great - but we'd skip Kaiser Chiefs doing "Heard It Through The Grapevine" if we were you. Spend your money here!

Tweet

Hollaback Girl

We don't normally just lift content from other people's websites, but this photo made us laugh milk out of our noses.



More of this sort of thing can be found in shocking neon at Pink is the new blog

Tweet

Bree is not a cheese

While Michael Jackson promises a song for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Prince has gone into the studio, recorded two of the damn things, and put them up on his website. Who's the King of Pop now? (Answer: Justin Timberlake, but never mind).

More info on Prince's songs at soundgenerator.com

So far, Rachel Stevens has been the only person to forge a career from ashes of S Club 7. Now she has competition - S Club's former lead singer, Jo O'Meara, is back with a new single. Rachel should be worried: Jo has already proved she has a stronger voice, and now she's managed to trump Rachel by giving an interview even more bland and innofensive than Stevens could ever manage.

In this 'exclusive' chat with femalefirst.co.uk we learn that:
- Her back is fine!!!!
- She is still friends with other people from S Club!!!!
- Her album is a 'compilation of good songs'!!!!!

After reading that scandalous news, we need to go and have a lie down.

Boooo! Billboard reports that Nellie McKay's album has been delayed to January.

Hooray! That unexpectedly yummy picture of Marcia Cross at the top of the post comes from the ever-excellent justjared.com

They're also responsible for this horrible image of Janice Dickinson shoving a big sausage down her throat. We're gagging as we type this, you know.

Over at lik-sang.com, they've unearthed a whole ton of Nintendo goodies that were supposed to be sold in the last millennium, only they kind of forgot. So now you can pick up a brand new SNES for £40, an original gameboy for a tenner, and the ever-popular Donkey Kong calculator for £1.50. It's even better than ebay!

And Girls Aloud have won the Popjustice £20 Music Prize. Well done, the Aloud.

Tweet

Shutup, fool

Kanye West is hinting that he's been banned from talking about Hurricane Katrina. The rapper is due to appear at an NFL concert tomorrow, and an MTV telethon on Saturday. So until Sunday, he says, he "can't say anything about it [Katrina] or wear any T-shirts that say anything about it." (read more here)

Isn’t this ludicrous? West's comments (that the US is set up "to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off as slow as possible" ) merely echo sentiments that have been expressed at length in the mainstream press.

Isn’t there some value in such comments being made on primetime TV to an audience that doesn’t watch political discussion programmes? How much damage could a T-shirt do to American society? And isn’t there something inherently creepy about the media saying "don't listen to that black man talking about racism, he's just a bit emotional"?

Tweet

A Company that Makes Everything

As a child, all I ever wanted was a pair of skates with rockets on them. Unfortunately, in those days, ACME only delivered their products in the Mojave desert... To coyotes.

Now the company have put their catalogue online for your perusal. But for some reason, there's no "buy now" option. Tsk.

The Original Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products

PS We know that ACME isn't officially an acronym of A Company that Makes Everything.

PPS Did you know that the Roadrunner is a ground cuckoo?

Tweet

Leak!

A sneaky little clip of Madonna's new single "Hung Up" has been deposited onto the internet, and it is the gayest song ever committed to MP3.

At the risk of bringing the website crashing down around our ears, click here to listen to it. [Link expired, but not because any lawyers were interested. Except Graeme]

Tweet

Jesus wept (with laughter)

We don't know how we missed this (actually, we do: it's because we don't generally spend a lot of time hanging around Christian websites) but users of ship-of-fools.com have been casting their votes to decide on the world's best and the most offensive religious jokes in the world… ever, etc.

The top ten in each category were performed at the Greenbelt festival last weekend - to mixed reaction. One panellist, there to discuss the jokes, told the audience they should repent for laughing at them.

But, in all honesty, the offensive ones are mostly disappointing. Most of them are concerned with paedophile priests, which has got to be the world's most hackneyed comedy stereotype. You'll get plenty more laughs from the 'good' list. (That's good as in "funny", not "guaranteed passport to heaven".)

Luckily, there is a serious reason behind the whole enterprise: to highlight potential problems with the Government’s new religious hatred legislation. So, at the risk of being sent to prison, here's our favourite:

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

He looked angrily and sorrowfully at the mob and told them:

"You who are without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman

Jesus looked over towards her and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

Click here to read all the jokes, and the theological discussions they provoke in ship-of-fools' readership (which, frankly, is often funnier than the jokes themselves)

Tweet

Fox news freak out

Despite our flippancy before Hurricane Katrina struck, it has clearly been a disaster of unimaginable proportions.

If you watch this clip from Fox News, you'll see why. Last Friday, two of the station's reporters completely lost their cool live on air while trying to describe the scale of the tragedy. They even (gasp) criticised the government's relief efforts.

It's not what you could call balanced news reporting (particularly the bit where one of them grabs a baby from the surrounding hordes and thrusts its face into the camera) but it is one of the most affecting, and unlikely, bits of television you'll see this year.

Watch the clip

Donate to the Red Cross

Tweet

And strreeetch

Dear Jesus God, no! What is that man doing to Salma Hayek?

Click on the photo for more. (via goldenfiddle.com)

Tweet